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WWYD re a child

(29 Posts)
ems137 Sat 27-May-17 19:04:43

This might sound a bit odd but I just want to know if I'm being a total cow here or whether I'm speaking sense.

Been with DH 4 years, I have 2 kids (11&9) and we have a toddler together and am 36 weeks pregnant.

When we got together his fairly recent ex went a bit weird, very very jealous he was moving on as she always hoped they would get back together. They'd been separated for around 7 months when we first started seeing each other. She would message me claiming she was 6 months pregnant (lie), that they were married (lie), she even told the police he hit her so he got arrested. This was 100% impossible as he was with me all night, his car (she says he turned up in) was in for its MOT and we were in a town 40 miles away. Because of this false allegation SS assessed my children's safety, apparently it's standard procedure with DV allegations, I found this very distressing. As well as the constant messages.

So, she has 2 kids who are approx 15 & 12. When DH and her were together they brought them up as "their" children but they're not DHs. When they split up she said she was telling the kids the truth and that DH was to have nothing to do with them anymore. So he didn't.

It has since transpired that ex has told the 15 y/o but not the 12 y/o DD. We are at a large BBQ tomorrow and her DD will be there, she still thinks DH is her dad.

I do not feel comfortable going along with this lie AT ALL. My toddler isn't her half sister and I don't think it's fair to pretend she is. I also think the longer this lie continues for the worse it gets for a young teen girl. I would never get involved in telling her the truth obviously but I don't feel I should lie either. WWYD?

I think I might just find an excuse to leave and quietly slip away but is that the right thing to do? I also don't want any of my children being confused by this girl calling DH dad. I just don't think I'm prepared to play along with the family reunion knowing the truth.

Am I being an awful cow here? It's not the poor girls fault and I genuinely feel so sorry for her. Her whole life has been a lie.

Solasum Sat 27-May-17 19:07:12

Was your DH happy to just walk away from kids he had been raising as his own?

ems137 Sat 27-May-17 19:19:10

Not massively happy but I think the constant hassle from the ex girlfriend made him think it would be easier to do. Like ripping off a plaster so to speak.

He was with her for 5 years so not from when the children were tiny. I believe the lie they told the kids was that they had separated and got back together a few years later.

I do not condone the lies in any way, shape or form and I think he was silly to go along with it tbh.

SparklyMagpie Sat 27-May-17 19:21:10

If this was me, if this child has been brought up with my DP as her dad, i don't honestly think i'd have a problem with my children being around her. Its not her fault and it's going to have a hige impact on her, if shes all of a sudden pushed out.

On the otherhand, your DP needs get this sorted, can he not have a chat with DD and his mother?

Poor girl, she's probably going to feel like shes lost a family and been pushed out by everyone sad

SparklyMagpie Sat 27-May-17 19:22:26

Sorry just re-read and your update, its the two DD's, i'd still feel the same if he played a massive part in their lives

ems137 Sat 27-May-17 19:40:37

Thanks for replying.

Yes she has 2 kids but has told the eldest the truth but not the youngest. Maybe it's because she thinks the DD will take it badly?

I think what concerns me a lot is how nasty and vindictive the ex is. She has already had SS involved in my children's lives due to her lies. So with her being so spiteful and nasty I'd just worry she would pull the rug out from under us all if she saw us playing happy families IYKWIM?

anxiousandpregnant Sat 27-May-17 19:57:19

He was happy enough for those kids to call him dad, I think this is very selfish of their mother to suddenly rip them away from your partner and also I don't think it's your place to tell this girl the truth. It should come from your DP if he wants to tell her the truth. The kids are innocent in this and she deserves to be told in a gentle way so she doesn't feel completely rejected by the man she thought was her dad. I'd suggest he sits down and talks with the kids together I think this is a horrible situation for them, what a cruel thing for their mother to do.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sat 27-May-17 20:04:08

Both girls should know the truth. Dp needs to do it. Like you mentioned it's hardly fair if she thinks she has a half dsis at your house she isn't seeing. .

twentytwotwentysix Sat 27-May-17 20:04:15

Has he had no contact for however many years? So this BBQ will be the first time this girl will have seen her 'dad'?
If that is the case I think it's massively unfair in the poor girl for your DH to go. If her big sis knows then she needs to know before seeing your DH again. Imagine seeing your dad after years of no contact and then being told after that he wasn't your dad at all? It's playing awful and unnecessary games with her feelings.

Different if he had been having contact though.

AStickInTime Sat 27-May-17 20:09:36

Can't you just tell your own kids that this girl has always called him Dad, and at the moment she hasn't got a dad so you think that's ok for her to do unless she wants to stop.

AStickInTime Sat 27-May-17 20:11:18

Feel sorry for both girls tbh, it Will be hard for the youngest to find out and must be hard for the eldest to find out and keep it to herself like that. Some parents choices really piss me off.

HildaOg Sat 27-May-17 20:29:05

They were both unbelievably cruel to lie to the kids and pretend he was their real dad!!! And then he walks away...

Why on earth did you get pregnant with him knowing what he had done?

Mari50 Sat 27-May-17 20:33:29

Bit of a mess really. This is the problem when adults come in and out of children's lives and why the use of mum and dad should be considered very carefully. The youngest was only 3 when he came into her life so he's the only 'dad' she's known.
I'm not sure what to advise but it's just a shame for the children involved. 5 years was half these kids lives when he left so not an insignificant amount of time.
Maybe stop focusing on being so angry at the ex and consider how the children are feeling.
That said I do understand your feelings towards the ex.

Kennethwasmyfriend Sat 27-May-17 20:42:26

This is horrendous. She is going to a BBQ thinking someone there is her dad, who just walked out of her life and didn't see her again. Is it better for her to see this feckless dad or to be told he's not quite as feckless as you think, as guess what he isn't your dad?
Neither your dp nor the ex should have let things go on like this.

ems137 Sat 27-May-17 20:43:27

I know, I do hold anger towards the ex and I would 100% NEVER tell the poor girl anything. I just feel so sorry for her but equally I'm scared of being part of the charade when she eventually finds out.

twentytwotwentysix Sat 27-May-17 20:45:55

If it were me I wouldn't go and would try to persuade your H not to either. Have you asked him why he thinks it is ok to go to this BBQ under these circs? Why is it so important that he goes?

ems137 Sat 27-May-17 20:48:32

And yes she saw DH when they first separated but then ex was horrible and refused access because he started seeing me.

There wasn't a lot he could do about it, especially after being arrested from his workplace and held in a police cell for 18 hours falsely accused of domestic violence. He was on bail for a while whilst police investigated, part of the condition was to have no contact with ex or children. After that DH has had no contact whatsoever with ex and therefore the children. Some of DH family members still speak to the kids though and this is how the BBQ has come about. We only found out this afternoon about the girl attending. She is aware DH is going and is also keen to meet me. She is having trouble with her mum at the moment apparently

Kennethwasmyfriend Sat 27-May-17 21:06:00

I don't understand this attitude. A child at 8,9,10,11 thinking her dad won't see her because her parents split up. Your dh needs to let her know the truth. This was all so avoidable, why enter into the lie in the first place?

Voice0fReason Sat 27-May-17 21:09:44

What a disgraceful lie to be complicit in! Why on earth did he do that?
Those poor children. How to completely destroy their trust. I could understand if he had been around from them being babies, but to intentionally make up a story to tell young children is inexcusable.

I think the priority must be the children. They deserve to know the truth and they deserve to have contact with the man they see as their dad if they want it.

Tiredemma Sat 27-May-17 21:15:01

This is a disgraceful way in which to fuck with a child's head

diodati Sat 27-May-17 21:20:34

I think there's more to this than meets the eye. The whole situation sounds dodgy, particularly your current partner's behaviour. You have taken a big gamble; be careful.

ems137 Sat 27-May-17 21:42:52

I know, I completely agree with people saying the lie was disgusting. I told him that from the very start. I'm sure he was doing it for the right reasons at the time but clearly neither of them were thinking of future consequences for the children. They probably (naively) thought they'd be together forever so it'd never be an issue.

I'm starting to feel really anxious about tomorrow and I think it's best if we don't go. I will speak to DH and tell him that I don't want to bring my family into this mess

I just think if I went along with the pretence then I'm no better than him and ex am I?

Kennethwasmyfriend Sat 27-May-17 21:46:12

Avoiding the BBQ will only postpone the problem; he needs to sort it out.

twentytwotwentysix Sat 27-May-17 21:46:27

OP - this horrible situation is not your fault and I don't think you would be horrible to not want to confuse your own children with it. They are not currently involved and I think you would be doing the right thing in keeping them out of it.

While it is not your fault, and not your place to get directly involved it seems that no one who is involved is actually looking after this poor child's interests. I think your H needs to step up. While I have sympathy for him in that his ex's behaviour sounds very hard to deal with, he took a responsibility for this girl when he agreed to pretend to be her dad, and it's really shitty that he has just left it and accepted no contact for the past 3 years.
You can play a part in encouraging your H to do the right and decent thing. In such a messy situation I don't know exactly what that is, but he needs to engage to find a way forward for this young girl.

Ellisandra Sun 28-May-17 00:48:59

How utterly shitty for the poor 15yo to have had to carry this lie for what - 4 years?

A small girl who thinks her father dumped her, and a not much older girl who isn't allowed to tell her, presumably. Can you imagine the potential stress on her, and the potential damage to their sibling relationship?

Honestly though, I'm hmm about your husband's extended family involvement. They may have only found out today that this girl is coming, but she's only coming because someone invited her. And someone has also found out that she doesn't know the truth. How reliable is that? Could it be the girl calls him Dad because it's the name she has for him - but does know - and a relative of his has made wrong assumptions?

It is ridiculous that a child who has been abandoned by her father (in her eyes) is having a reunion with him after 5 years, in such a way. Who the fuck in his family is stirring this shit?

I would go to the BBQ. I would assess the lay of the land to then agree how to act. I don't think you need to worry about your toddler at all. Easily dealt with. If in a large group they notice her call him dad and question it, you explain he used to be her stepfather.

What a mess! Good luck.

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