DP's DM's health is deteriorating and is becoming increasingly dependent on DP. So after considerable thought DP has decided to move back in with her and extend the house so that he can look after her (with the help of a carer). If we get married, this will be our set-up.
Dp is her only child and she has been a single parent since DP was barely a toddler. As a result they are very close.
I love that he is good to his mother and I love her too. She has raised a good man and I have utmost respect for her and their relationship.
However I'm nervous and don't know if the reality will be more than I can cope with. I know that sounds selfish but I have to be honest about how I feel.
DP says he wants nothing more than for us to get married and start a family together. But he will never put his DM in a care home.
He says he would be heartbroken but completely understands if it's a deal breaker for me.
I'm overwhelmed. And don't know what to think.
On one hand I love DP and think it could work. On the other I don't know if I would be able to cope in reality.
My MIL lives with us and our 2 DC. It's not our ideal but it is our only option right now. We all have to compromise. We get on fairly well but theres not enough space. We hope to be able to change things in a few years. I do feel a bit hemmed in and feel the lack of privacy frustrating sometimes. But other times it's nice to have female company and a live in babysitter!
It would be a no from me as you are moving onto her home which will make it difficult if you are unhappy with anything. Could you not suggest buying your own place nearby thereby partner can pop in to give support - if your partner is going to be at work all day you may also end up as the default carer if you are at home with babies?
I think you would need to have very clear boundaries agreed so that you do not end up doing a lot of caring. Also, given the Tories "dementia tax" the house may have to be sold on MIL's death so your investment in extending it would be forfeit.
Having had potentially the same challenge, I think the biggest worry is that his mothers care and support will primarily fall on you. Caters can only do so much. I have unhappy memories of DH assuming that both his parents would be cared for but that I'd be the primary support as his job meant he was often away or working unpredictable hours. It didn't occur to him to give that up and swap to a normal job with normal hours, it was my career that took the hit because it made more sense and seemed logical. I still resent it somewhat.
Gosh. My last (8 year) relationship was with a man who put his mother first every time. Not just sometimes but always. It was too hard for me in the end and I walked. I'm sure that nicer women than me would have coped. I couldn't cope with always coming second to his mother.
Joysmum, yes I see what you mean. For us it would probably be the other way round as my job is much more fixed whereas DP is self employed and therefore would have the flexibility should he need it.
Her health issues are not of the terminal illness (I don't want to say anything more in case MIL is a MNer and she would definitely be my kind of mumsnetter if she were as she's fiesty, opinionated, kind) but they are significant enough to need daily care.
I think he is making a mistake that will impact on you all to your overall detriment. He (as well as his mother) could very well be underestimating the amount of time and care she needs. If she needs daily care then neither he or you should actually take on that task full time. Carer burnout and fatigue are real possibilities here. It is causing a degree of resentment already.
Has she had a needs assessment done?
His own business will likely fall by the wayside over time and he could too easily get carer burnout. He may well find that the carers (plural is deliberate) will have to be funded out of her own savings. Also they stay for only a certain period of time; any extra time allocated will have to be paid for.
It may also come to pass that she will need a higher level of specialist care than he or you are able to provide far earlier than expected. My Nan never wanted to go into a home either and had carers but it took a huge toil (both emotional and physical) on my dad who did this for several years. Towards the end of her life her needs were such that home carers were not enough to meet her needs and she needed specialist care in a home. It was not at all easy to find such a place and it took some weeks for that to happen.