Can we survive a double life

[numbandlost]

Name changed for this.
I have just found out that last year my partner was having an affair it is over now I know that for sure and things have been going great for us at the moment.
I'm not sure what I even want to say I feel numb got pins and needles.
Feel like I'm in shock. Can a relationship survive something like this? Do I even want it to?
Guess I just want a hand hold

[numbandlost]

Just to be clear last year he was having mental health problems and met this girl at the time and started an affair but for the past 6 months we have been in a great place felt really solid and like the beginning again! We have been together 11 years and have got 2 kids together.
I'm in a bit of a mess luckily the kids are with their grandparents and nobody else knows what's happened yet!

[Goingtobeawesome]

You can as people do but he needs to admit everything, accept you're hurt and it will take a long time to get back to feeling as you did. Look into professional help.

[numbandlost]

Thank you so much for replying he's rang me and admitted everything answered every question all the dates times everything I think I actually feel worse! I've spoken to her as well and she said he told her that he was single so she's as pissed off as I am but she confirmed it was over a while ago!

[MissBax]

You can definitely come through it IF you both want to and work hard to repair the relationship :)

[numbandlost]

Thanks missbax
He desperately wants to sort this out but I don't know how I feel right now but I did only find out today, not sure if I should make any decisions right now! For now I've told him to give me space and I'll tell the kids he's busy at work!

[numbandlost]

Is it weird I haven't cried?

[MissBax]

A couple that my OH and I are friends with went through something similar - she had a bit of a breakdown and had an affair. He was devastated and they broke up for a while. We didn't think they'd get back together but now they have been for a while and seem happier than ever. I don't know the ins and outs of it though but I know they did go to counselling together.

[MissBax]

You're probably in shock! It might be best to have some time apart, regardless whether you want to sort it out or not. Time to clear your head and really think about what you want ❤

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

His response to poor mental health was to have a six month affair, which got him into a good place. Hell of a treatment plan. Let's hope he never feels down again.

[numbandlost]

Thanks missbax good to know some people can work through it!
Yes I do feel like I'm in shock I've got pins and needles in my face!
Definitely feel like I just want some time alone to figure out how I feel because I just kind of feel nothing right now I'm not crying not angry it's feels weird!!

[numbandlost]

Runrabbit that's exactly what I said to him! If that's his excuse what about next time he is having a shit time at work or feeling down!

[MissBax]

Just be prepared to go through anger, grief, depression, devastation etc. If you do want to make it work it won't be smooth sailing OP. Have you close friends you can speak to when it gets tough?

[numbandlost]

No I don't have any friends I am close to my cousin but she's literally just given birth so can't turn to her and I'm too embarrassed to tell my mum and dad also it's my parents we are going on holiday with! Everything is such a mess!

[MissBax]

I'm sure your cousin would be happy to be there for you - she might appreciate the company if she's on maternity leave with a new born (although I'm making lots of assumptions here).
Could you explain to parents that you're just going through a rough patch, but not go into details?

[thethoughtfox]

Please search for 'the script' on MN for the standard behaviour and things men say and do after an affair. If any of this sounds like him, you might not be fooled by it. I hope your husband is sincere but after a sustained period of lying and betraying you, be on your guard. Remember this is not 'one mistake'. Every text message, kiss, meet up, lie to you and your children, add up to thousands of deliberate betrayals.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

No friends? That's odd. Big red flag actually. Why don't you have friends?

[Thinkingofausername1]

How come you don't have friends? do you work or are you sahm?

[SemiNormal]

Thank you so much for replying he's rang me and admitted everything answered every question all the dates times everything I think I actually feel worse! I've spoken to her as well and she said he told her that he was single so she's as pissed off as I am but she confirmed it was over a while ago - How did you find out and why did you discuss this over the phone rather than face to face? or was that your choice?

Lots of relationships have continued post-affair, some more successfully than others. If you do carry on with the relationship then you both need to set out some kind of 'plan' or 'rules' ie you can't throw the affair in his face constantly (it'll never work if you do), you also need to discuss the issue of trust - do you want access to his emails/phone to feel you can trust him? does he feel this is fair or a breach of is privacy etc ... lay the ground rules now rather than waiting for something to crop up and deal with it then.

[happypoobum]

So he lied to you over a long period. Just think about how many lies he has told you, all the time, money and energy that went into his other relationship.

I couldn't forgive and I wouldn't want to live with someone I could not respect or trust.

I think you should tell your parents and tell him you need him to stay away until you have made a decision.

[Goingtobeawesome]

It's probably the shock that is making you not cry. Don't try to rush getting past this. Take your time. Make your own decisions. Might be an idea to ask him to leave for a couple of nights. They will be very illuminating.

[numbandlost]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply!!
My cousin only gave birth last night so I can't turn to her right now but in time I'll tell her!
The reason I haven't really got any friends to turn to is we moved for a fresh start to be closer to my parents and because I'm quite shy I don't really have any local friends and I feel like I need more than a phone call! I do have some friends from my old home but we have kind of drifted apart since I moved and I don't know if it would make me a really shitty friend to call them now because I need something!!
I am a SAHM at the moment but hoping to start some part time work now my youngest is in nursery and hopefully will make some friends through that!
I chose to talk over the phone because I just can't bare to be near him right now I don't want to even look at him so he is going to stay with family for the time being!
He keeps calling and answers any questions I have about what happened but to be honest I feel like I'm done talking now and I've asked him just to leave me alone and I'll speak to him when and if I'm ready!
He has said he is willing to do whatever it takes and keeps asking what can I do but there's nothing he can say or do really is there!
Yeah I don't want to be with someone I don't trust and I don't know if that is something that can be fixed! I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder!
I haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon so think I'm going to get me and the boys a treat a Chinese or something and just all get in bed together and watch a film I just want to cling on to them!!!

[Findmuckery]

Hi, I don't know if I can help by telling you my experience. I found evidence of an affair in November in the form of condoms and viagra. Initially my H lied,lied and lied saying he only thought of an affair but hadn't acted on it.
During the last 6 months he's admitted he's been with prostitutes but also, I have found out that working girls always supply their own condoms so I know there's probably been affairs too. I know he's still minimising and withholding information.
Like you I was numb, I was unable to cry and then I've been through a grieving process which is similar to experiencing a bereavement. Be prepared for your emotions to be all over the place in the next few weeks and months.
My gut has told me that things haven't been quite right during our marriage but my H always said he was depressed and stressed by work and I had nothing to prove otherwise.
It's taken me six months to decide to leave my beautiful family home. I cannot live with someone I can't trust and to feel like I'm always going to be suspicious and check up on him. I'm however in a different situation to you as my children are in their 20s but it's still not easy.
My advice to you is give yourself time to decide what you want to do. It's hard to make a decision after discovering your H and your marriage wasn't what you thought. My choice was made for me really as I know I couldn't stand my H to touch me again knowing what he's done. My H is truly devastated now he's facing the consequences of his behaviour but I'm afraid he decided he was willing to risk our marriage and thought very little of me. Good luck OP in whatever you decide

[numbandlost]

Findmuckery
Thanks so much for sharing its made the tears come! I'm so sorry for what you've been through and I'm so glad you are coming out the other side!
He did deny it for ages but today has admitted the full extent it was pretty bad! While he was away dealing with his depression for weeks at a time he was with her!! I did have a whole previous post on his depression under another name!
You sound really strong and I'm glad you were able to do what was right for you

[Findmuckery]

Thanks numbandlost I posted on here under a different name about my H's depression too. I spent such a long time trying to fathom out what was amiss. Ironically six months before discovery day was the happiest period in our marriage. My H is in pieces and it's hard to witness at times. I'm just so glad I've found out now rather than in ten years time.
I will never marry or live with a man again but I can't be a man hater as I have such a lovely kind and caring adult son. I found lots of support on //www.survivinginfidelity.com

[maras2]

There are 2 very brave Mumsnetters who post to give sage advice about continuing a marriage after infidelity.
I don't think that they'll mind me naming them as jonesthesteam and orm who is now I think irianofway
I describe them as brave because I know that I couldn't do it.
Was he professionally diagnose with a mental health illness? I ask because some cheating blokes use this excuse and it's part of 'the script'.