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I've left my abuse partner and I'm struggling

(3 Posts)
MamaCL Sat 27-May-17 12:24:15

Around two weeks ago I made my abusive partner leave. I say I did, in fact social services and the police did, but the outcome is the same. I no longer have any means of contact with him and he legally cannot harass me anymore. Obviously I've had a range of emotions including; relief, grief, guilt, happiness, excitement, resentment, self hatred, loneliness and sadness. I expected this though, I expected feel happy and free one second then be a sobbing mess the next.

But some things are happening that I didn't expect which is making feel like I'm sick and wrong. I miss it. And I don't mean the good times, I do miss them but that's normal. I'm missing the abuse? It's like I'm craving that feeling of being put down, the fear of being hurt and the humiliation of being sexually abused. I find myself daydreaming or actually dreaming of these horrendous things that used to make me cry and yet now I'm craving them. I feel lost because I haven't got anyone telling me what I can or can't do. It's like I've never functioned without it, like I've forgotten how to be normal. I'm so worried that it's seriously broken me, that this is who I am now.

The children are far happier now and I feel I have more time to spend with them which I love! So I immerse myself in them to keep my positivity up and keep reminding myself that I've done the right thing, but there are times I don't even feel like I should be around them, everything that I thought was normal has been turned upside down and I'm questioning everything I do even when playing with the children.

I don't know if this is normal or what I should do 

Lovemusic33 Sat 27-May-17 19:05:50

There are places you can get help, have you talked to anyone? Gp? Rape crisis? Woman's aid?

When I split with my partner at Christmas the police got involved, they put me in touch with the local rape crisis team, I also went to my gp who sent me for a mental health assessment, I was offered councilling but for me I just wanted to move on (probably not a good idea), I still miss him and the rubbish relationship we had but it is getting easier, I know I deserve better and I know how bad our relationship was even though he made me feel like he was madly in love with me.

I know I did the right thing and I was advised not to take him back or I would be putting my children at risk and social services could get involved. You will get stronger and things will get easier.

twentytwotwentysix Sat 27-May-17 21:04:24

I don't know if this is what you mean but I still find it hard sometimes making decisions for myself and trusting them (the decisions).

And ridiculous things like it took me months to realise that I could go to the supermarket without the children - that going when they were at school wasn't/isn't lazy or a waste of time.

Abuse happens because we are trained into accepting it and are brainwashed into the abusers ways of thinking. It takes a long long time to truly escape that, I am finding.

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