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Have I done the rght thing?

(17 Posts)
PMdesignate Sat 27-May-17 09:22:46

So here's a bit of background- H and I have ups and down generally more ups. He is a loving father to our 2 dc and does a lot of hours to provide for us. I work pt and do nearly all the housework. But when we fight its almost always when he drinking or because hes drinking or because of something he gas done when drinking. He will not stop drinking, i have asked him to, he says he deserves it after working hard all week. He does work hard and only gets 1 day off. So more of a binge drinker. In the past he has hit me while under the influence but not everytime he drinks. He ofter wets the bed or carpet or in cupboards etc and not so often shits himself. He wet the bed last night and got up and started drinking again this morning. He can be life and soul of the party, a class clown type and everyone thinks he is great. This morning he told me he is sick of my moaning and nagging ( i don't think i do nag a lot i just ask him not to drink in front of kids) and that i dont know how good i have it and that he does everything for me and some men are a lot worse. He says this a lot but complimentary in between times. When he said it today i lost it and told him to leave i have had enough of it. He has gone. But says ive not to forget i have broke up our marriage and that its my fault. He says i am a typical woman casting up old things - i brought up some of his violence.
Have i done the right thing!? How do i tell my dc?

PMdesignate Sat 27-May-17 09:25:36

And now hes text to say his pal is coming for his works van but not when (keys are in our house) and won't answer his fone so i can find out. My fone has been cut off as we work with 2 accounts- he transfers money into a joint after he has been paid and there is not enough to pay fone bill so i cant txt him even to ask for money for me n kids!

Peanutbuttercheese Sat 27-May-17 09:27:57

He is violent when drunk and has a problem with alcohol, you have absolutely done the right thing. Get in touch with women's aid for support.

He is trying to guilt trip you, the only person that broke up the marriage was him

Stay strong, tell people in real life and come back here for support as well.

HerOtherHalf Sat 27-May-17 09:31:16

Yes you've done the right thing. He is an alcoholic and until he admits that to himself, and he may never, he will not change. Hitting you is never acceptable and drink is not an excuse, ever. You have been far too forgiving of him, it's time to see his behaviour for what it is and demand a better life for you and your kids.

PMdesignate Sat 27-May-17 09:46:12

Thanks for the support. After years of this i really doubt my own feelings and wonder if i am spiteful and shrewish. What do i tell the kids? They are 7 and 3 and ds7 is really anxious and a worrier.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 27-May-17 09:55:55

Thankfully he has gone. He needs to stay gone as well and you need to formally separate from him. Do not take him back. He is after all a drunk who becomes violent towards you after he's had a few. All abusers blame others for their own inherent shortcomings, its always someone else's fault other than theirs. Its all part of their script.

No you are not spiteful and shrewish; he is those as well. You did not break up your marriage; he did by his actions.

I would contact WOmens Aid today for further support from them.

What you have described is what life is like with an alcoholic; you are basically lurching from one crisis to another. Its not stable and secure and its not doing your children any favours to be party to all this either. The financial arrangement he has with you also smacks of financial abuse.

Tell your children the age appropriate truth re their dad along with explaining its not their fault in any way that mum and dad are no longer together.

I would also suggest that you enrol on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as part of your overall recovery from him. Men like this can and do take an awful long time, years even, to recover from.

CondensedMilkSarnies Sat 27-May-17 10:02:16

Well done Op for finding the strength to do this. He is not a good father , he has a drink problem which will adversely affect his children. You are protecting them and yourself. Congratulate yourself and never for one minute doubt your decision.

It's time to get practical- sort out finances and see a solicitor. Keep contact with him to a minimum don't engage in any communication unless absolutely necessary.

Be proud of yourself - I am xx

PosyBear Sat 27-May-17 10:41:26

He SHITS himself?
He pisses in cupboards?

Fuck's sake. What is wrong with people?

You did good. Don't look back.

Aussiebean Sat 27-May-17 10:43:10

Put the soiled sheets in the back of the work van.

You have done the right thing and after a good cry, start putting the paperwork together so you can plan your life without him.

I would bet a lot of your sons anxiety is down to him.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness Sat 27-May-17 10:46:23

Yes you have done the right thing.
You cannot stay with a man that behaves like this, for either your sake or your children's.

If you take him back then you are more or less giving him licence to pick up where he left off and that will in all likelihood have grave consequences.

Please, don't take him back.

TheHiphopopotamus Sat 27-May-17 10:49:02

Fucking hell, OP! My DH is a borderline alcoholic and I threatened to leave him if he didn't stop drinking and he did a lot less when he was pissed than your DH has done.

You have absolutely done the right thing. Stay strong and do not let this man back into your life.

MrsELM21 Sat 27-May-17 10:49:06

You have absolutely done the right thing, he clearly has quite a bad drink problem but his behaviour is inexcusable, please carry on with this, you've done the hardest part

bumpertobumper Sat 27-May-17 11:02:58

You are absolutely doing the right thing, for yourself and your children.
Growing up with an alcoholic parent has long term impacts. Your sons anxiety will probably improve with not having his father in the house.
Probably not the moment for it now, but all week woman's hour on radio 4 has been doing a feature on people talking about their experiences of having an alcoholic parent. Listening to it will help to reassure that you are absolutely doing the right thing for your children
Well done for taking this step! Hugs and strength to you cakebrewflowers

thethoughtfox Sat 27-May-17 11:50:44

The behaviour you describe is not normal drinking behaviour. You have done the right thing. Stay strong and get professional support for home to move forward.

Shewhomustgowithoutname Sat 27-May-17 12:16:42

Well done to get rid of such a horrible person. Hope the future is good for you and DCs.
Do you have family and friends local to you? Speak to them and explain the problem with the drinking and now keeping you so short of money that you can not use your phone. You need a working phone.
As someone suggested put soiled sheets in the work van but depending on type of van the under the front seat might be better than the back of the van. More stinky for the friend who is collecting

loveyoutothemoon Sat 27-May-17 12:23:29

He gets up and carries on drinking in the morning, fuck that's bad!

Absolutely you've done the right thing.

DoubleHelix79 Sat 27-May-17 13:04:53

If my husband ever even attempted to lift a finger against me he'd be out immediately, no going back.

However I'm speaking as a more mature person now - when I was at university I dated someone who couldn't deal with our breakup. He threatened suicide, attempted to kick in my front door and once waved a sword at me when we argued. Stupidly I felt guilty for leaving him, and didn't want to draw attention to the situation because I didn't want want to make it 'worse'. So I spent months trying to help him, reason with him etc and almost broke down myself. In hindsight I would have made it clear that he'd crossed all sorts of lines and refused all contact immediately. Abuse by someone els who is unwell (e.g. with an alcohol problem) can make you feel responsible and guilty even - don't fall into that trap!

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