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'This is what you chose when you chose to be a single mum'

(82 Posts)
ShaniaTwang Fri 26-May-17 20:26:46

Sorry this is a rambling long post but I just can't get this comment out of my head and feel irked and bothered and can't really work out why.

This is what my new partner said when I described the level of difficulty I have with my exh relating to his long non payment to me, non involvement with our dc in terms of going to school events, taking them to the docs ever, taking them to any activities whatsoever.

I was explaining that I can only manage to work part time as I have to look after my preschool dc and be there for my school age dc. As a result I have very little money. Just recently ex has started to vigorously insist on 50 50 shared care, which only involves an extra two nights a month. I think so he does not have to contribute via the csa but in reality only has them over night after they are fed and bathed on nights additional to a Saturday, as well as refusing to take time off during school holidays.

In short, it is a nightmare and I am in the process of seeking legal advice and working out whether I can face court.
My profession is relatively high earning in a contractor role but I don't feel I can cope and actually do my job if I go full time, with all the other responsibilities I have in terms of caring for the dc and meeting their general life needs, sickness, medical apprs (pre school dc has SEN), activities and social lives.

The new chap, who is not that new but I have been wary about going into a huge amount of detail with about this situation said that this was the choice i'd made when I chose to leave, that I was not a SAHM but a single parent, that I was not thinking of my or the dc future, that I was risking my financial stability by not working to my full capacity, and that exh had to step up and actually split the responsibility fairly so I can work more. I know without court this will not happen. The reason I left was because of ea then eventually dv. Exh has been difficult at every single opportunity and we now have a stable contact plan in place, until the most recent threats of non payment and demand to increase time to 50 50, and no dialogue between us. For the last few months he has been paying the csa payments and some extra for pre school child care. This he has said he will stop as well as the csa as he wants the kids 50 50. He is very unstable and goes up and down in mood and I do not think he is realistically able to parent 50 50, that knowing him as I do it is wishful thinking. I know he is loving to the dc or I would fight access, but I feel real 50 50 is beyond him.

In light of all these challenges with their dad, my main priority is my dc and I live an extremely frugal lifestyle now, with no assets or savings from the marriage, due to financial abuse too I'd say but would prefer not to go into detail. Clearly it's a less than ideal set up. The new chap was pretty horrified when I told him, obviously I feel embarrassed about it all as it means I can't afford to go out for dinners etc, I want to pay my way and I don't want a free ride, but stuff like hotels mini breaks and restaurants are currently not possible.

New chap has a very high earning job, pays generous maintenance to ex, pays mortgage and is on great terms with his ex, sees his DC regularly.

I really can't work out what I don't like about his comments as I guess they are true and perhaps I am in denial about how bad things are and what I need to do.

Any thoughts gratefully

Completeguess Fri 26-May-17 20:31:07

I think that's a disgusting comment. He obviously doesn't approve of you and your lifestyle and your ability to make your own decisions. I would never see him again if I knew he felt like that.

angelcakerocks Fri 26-May-17 20:32:36

He sounds unsupportive and lacking in empathy. That is what is wrong with it.
Sorry you are having such a hard time flowers

SoleBizzz Fri 26-May-17 20:33:36

The single Mother prejudice has always been there. When will it die?

NapQueen Fri 26-May-17 20:35:33

Its awful.

And I think its high time "contact" should be worked in 24 hour chunks. School hours aside, its surely the only dair way.

BewareOfTheToddler Fri 26-May-17 20:35:44

That sounds really difficult. I think you feel irked because while you may have chosen to leave, it doesn't mean all the accompanying crap was your choice too, which that comment implies.

Also, if DV was involved, then for the children's sake there wasn't much of a choice to make: you needed to do the right thing for you and them and get out. Huge kudos to you for doing that - I can't imagine how much strength it takes to leave a situation like that.

No wise words from me, but have you sought legal advice? Doesn't sound like you got a fair share of the marital assets (assuming there were any?).

MuffinMaiden Fri 26-May-17 20:35:45

It's a very blame filled statement. It's a terrible thing to say to you after you suffered EA and DV. You didn't choose to be a sìngle mum, you chose to get out of a terrible situation. Sounds like despite being amicable with his own ex, he's still resentful. What a peach he sounds like!

AssassinatedBeauty Fri 26-May-17 20:36:20

You didn't choose your situation. You had to separate due to being abused! This new guy sounds like he has zero understanding or empathy of what that means. How can he be horrified by you prioritising your children?

TheHodgeoftheHedge Fri 26-May-17 20:36:45

Why are you dating him? That's an awful thing to say.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Fri 26-May-17 20:37:23

You didn't 'choose to be a single parent'. Your ex chose to be abusive, and you chose not to tolerate it. Entirely different. Really hate how women are blamed for men behaving badly.

jouu Fri 26-May-17 20:37:36

I'd bin someone for saying that to me.

Reflects a low level of empathy and, dare I say it, intelligence.

RandomMess Fri 26-May-17 20:38:03

The comment was/is disgusting!!!

With regard to Ex - can I suggest you do 50:50 mid week to mid week so he has to do it properly and you actually get some respite!

PoorYorick Fri 26-May-17 20:39:53

OP, I think you should do the Freedom Programme and learn how to correct your man picker, because it's seriously off. Your ex is a turd and so is your new guy. Until you can understand why you keep getting drawn to turds, it's going to keep happening.

Oh, and dump the ignorant, judgmental turd, in case I didn't make that clear.

CormorantDevouringTime Fri 26-May-17 20:44:14

If you haven't told him about the EA and DV then it's reasonable enough to say that your ex is responsible for stepping up his childcare responsibilities so you can start to work longer hours. Too many women end up as "single parents" when relationships break down, with the concomitant hits to their earnings just because their exes are allowed (by society) to bugger off and opt out of parenthood.
However if new bloke understands more of the background then he's being a thoughtless twat.

TheMysteriousJackelope Fri 26-May-17 20:47:44

You had no choice, with domestic violence and emotional abuse it would have been flat out dangerous to stay, and would cause your DC terrible mental damage.

Your boyfriend's comment sounds ignorant, stupid, and judgmental. I would think you have enough going on without having to waste time on educating him too.

I hope you get legal help to sort out the situation with your ex. My friend used to split his custody with his ex-wife 50:50 so she had them half the week and he had them the rest. She'd drop them off at school one morning and he'd collect them from school in the afternoon. That meant they could work longer hours on the days they didn't have the children. Are your ex's parents in the picture? Would they be suitable to help him care for the children if he's not quite stable?

jeaux90 Fri 26-May-17 20:50:35

Single parent here too. I'd bin someone who said that to me after going through similar. What an asshole

ShaniaTwang Fri 26-May-17 20:54:24

Thanks all flowers
My man radar is obviously very wonky.

I think additionally to feeling outraged I feel pressured to work more by him, as I guess the message he is giving me is that he would not want to financially merge with me I guess, for wanting a better phrase as I don't bring much to the table sad

ScarlettFreestone Fri 26-May-17 20:55:01

I don't really think the new man is a good long term bet do you?

eddielizzard Fri 26-May-17 20:56:46

well, i guess it was what you chose, but the choice was to stay in an abusive relationship which is no choice at all. he's clearly clueless, but is that because he isn't aware of the reality of what you had to deal with or because he's lacking empathy?

twentytwotwentysix Fri 26-May-17 20:59:02

He sounds like a selfish and self righteous twat. You made a difficult, fantastic, strong, and right decision to leave your ex. You put your children first. You are amazing. It is not your fault or your responsibility your ex is a prick.

ShaniaTwang Fri 26-May-17 20:59:03

He knows why I left sad

ShaniaTwang Fri 26-May-17 20:59:53

Thanks twenty flowers

ScarlettFreestone Fri 26-May-17 21:00:28

It's not a question of you not being good enough for him Shania, it's quite the other way round.

Ellisandra Fri 26-May-17 21:00:50

What a cunt.
You chose to end up with a violent husband which then forced you for your own safety and your children's health to leave him?
Seems to be your radar is still a wonky, yes. That this man is less of a cunt than your ex, does not mean he isn't a cunt.
"Partner" my arse.
That is not what partner means.
Partner - no.
Cunt - yes.
Ex - preferably wink


ShaniaTwang Fri 26-May-17 21:01:01

Just to say, no grand parental or family help at all on either side

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