Name changed for this, hoping for help to think clearly and stop second guessing myself.
Married 12 years, 5 years infertility during which our relationship became very strained, then two children now aged 6 and 3.
No physical affection for years - no hugs, no kisses, some very awkward hugs when we have to e.g. Christmas day in front of the kids. No sex since dd was conceived, and only about 3-4 times per year before that.
interaction is mainly around the kids or transactional. When we're alone together after kids in bed dh doesn't want to talk, just looks at phone. We still do have good conversations about the kids though and enjoy parenting together.
The most difficult thing for me is that dh gives all his energy to his job, which he took just after dd was born. He works approx 50-60 hours per week including late evenings and weekends but only gets paid a lowish salary based on 45 hours. I am the main wage earner but am knackered from working full time, doing the housework and childcare, and only seeing him one day a week where we also have to cram in house work, taking kids out etc. I feel that our married and family life is being sacrificed for his work which only just pays for itself after childcare. We've argued about this for 3 years now and he says he sees it is difficult but doesn't plan to change because he likes his job and doesn't see any better ones in his industry.
I set up couples counselling last year but he didn't bother to go through with his part of the registration.
So I've been thinking and reading for ages and at the weekend finally had the conversation with dh and said I think we should now separate. He agreed. And immediately have been hit by waves of sadness and grief and am now thinking we should try again. I've lived with him all my adult life and I still love him and I'm so worried about the kids.
Then this week he told me he'd been sleeping with someone else occasionally for the past 18 months. Of course I'm gutted but it just seems another example of not being committed to me and our family. Then the day later broke down and said he was so sorry and 'is there any way back for us?' He's suggested just giving up his job. he says he's realised what he stands to lose.
I'm so tempted to say yes and try again. It's so good to hear he actually cares about the situation and we actually had a real conversation for the first time in ages. But there would now be trust issues and I could just see us in a year's time being in exactly the same place.
Why can't I just stay strong and stick with the decision to split? We've been unhappy in this marriage for years. It's not realistic to think it might suddenly get better is it?
Sorry for the long one. My head is a mess.
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Relationships
My marriage is over isn't it?
tempname88 · 26/05/2017 14:29
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