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I am pointless and worthless

(34 Posts)
Sickofthisalready Fri 26-May-17 13:30:30

Just that really.

I have posted recently about my ex leaving me and DS for someone else. I have realised that every single relationship Ive been in has been ended by the other person (who usually cheats on me).

There is just nothing to me. I work, sleep and look after DS. I have very few friends and no interests or hobbies. I dont even watch TV other than one programme. I am just a pointless human being.

With every relationship ive had I throw myself into it, and give my everything to the other person thinking this is the right thing to do. I have totally lost any identity I had, and my life just revolves around my partner at the time.

I now feel immense guilt that I have bought a child into the world, and because of the way I am his father has left us. I do not want my son to grow up like me.

I cant seem to get over my ex, and I think the fact he is the complete opposite to me is making it harder. He is outgoing, has hundreds of friends, is always busy and is confident. He consumes my thoughts 24/7.

If someone tries to talk to me, my first reaction is to wonder why on earth they would bother with me. If anyone looks at me I move as I think they must be looking at someone else and im in the way.

I feel like I need to be in a relationship to validate me, and that im absolutely nothing without a partner. When my relationships end, I struggle ridiculously to get over them often feeling suicidal.

I just dont know why im like this. My parents divorced when I was young and I wonder if thats had anything to do with it.

Dont really know why im posting this, just felt like getting it off my chest.

AlternativeTentacle Fri 26-May-17 13:33:44

What's the TV programme?

Sickofthisalready Fri 26-May-17 13:36:13

Thank you, thats exactly the response I expected.

I rest my case.

MissBax Fri 26-May-17 13:36:58

Ok, firstly - noone pointless and worthless. Let's just get that straight OP.

Now, it does sound as though you've got some things in your life you'd like to change. May I ask why you have no hobbies etc? Is there nothing at all that interests you?
Unfortunately by not showing much joy in life, this can impact upon the way people see you. I'm not saying anyone deserves to be left for another person and I'm sorry you went through that, but maybe now is a good time to work on yourself. When you build your life back up and start to love yourself that's when people will feel the same.

Do you have a job? Go to kids clubs with DS etc?? What brings you joy?

ZiggyForever Fri 26-May-17 13:38:55

OP It sounds like you are an amazing parent who invests everything into creating a good life for your family.

MissBax Fri 26-May-17 13:39:14

Also, if you feel like you have to be in a relationship to validate you as a person - this will be evident to your partner and you may be seen as needy or clingy. I personally think there's nothing more attractive than someone who has things going on and keeps busy. But remember - it's not about doing it to attract someone else. It should be to bring substance and value to your life.

AlternativeTentacle Fri 26-May-17 13:41:11

Thank you, thats exactly the response I expected

?

You don't have a 'case'. There is no gavel. Nobody is pointless and worthless. But what you tend to gravitate towards can seriously affect your mood.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo Fri 26-May-17 13:46:07

Read 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway' by Susan Jeffers.

It's a brilliant book that tackles why we sabotage ourselves and don't take risks because of worrying what others will think/do, and how we can step outside that comfort zone that is actually a trap that makes you feel awful.

It also tackles the problem of what happens if you invest everything in a relationship and don't have other stuff going on.

I read it when I was about 21 and again several times in my twenties and it really is spot on- it shows you that other people don't start out with confidence/friends/taking that new job because they don't feel fear, they 'feel the fear and do it anyway'.

www.amazon.co.uk/d/cka/Feel-Fear-Do-Anyway-Indecision-Confidence-Action/0091907071?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Foureyesarebetterthantwo Fri 26-May-17 13:50:14

You also write in a lucid and readable way. I wonder if you dropped out of school? I think writing is something you do well at but aren't doing it right now for some reason.

If you are feeling suicidal or just depressed at any points (I can't tell if you do now obviously but you do mention it), please visit the GP or ring the Samaritans
www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

I bet you are now thinking- my GP will think I'm wasting his time, the Samaritans aren't interested in my story etc. This is not true, it is your mind playing tricks on you. They are in fact exactly for people like you, or any of us, who need a bit of a hand sometimes before they really sink. It could be worth booking an appointment today to talk about feeling so low with the GP- could you do that?

Bumply Fri 26-May-17 13:51:09

There's no way your DS thinks you're pointless and worthless.

I'm a single Mum and not a perfect parent, but my DS refuses to hear me say negative things about myself.

When I had CBT for depression my mood improved, but looking back nothing had changed materially- just my perception of myself.

You've just had bad luck in partners and could do with some help seeing the good in yourself.

WifeyFish Fri 26-May-17 14:37:48

OP I promise you that no matter how you feel you are definitely not pointless or worthless. It sounds like your self-esteem is at an all-time low and it would be worth having a think about why you put such little value on yourself and why you feel like you need a relationship to validate you?

It's so easy to get stuck in a downward spiral when relationships end unexpectedly but you have a great opportunity here to reevaluate life and start making small steps towards becoming the person you want to be. You'd be amazed what a simple shift in mindset can do and the great thing is these small steps can lead to a big change. Perhaps start by writing out 5 things that made you smile each day. Start training yourself not to focus on what's bad, but to find the good in everyday situations. It can be really simple things like hearing a song you like on the radio or that you bagged the last parking space but it'll help to start lifting the dark cloud from over your head.

Now's the time to really learn what makes you tick...is there something you've always been interested in learning or trying but always put off or even just a place you'd like to visit? Could you get to know other mums in your area with children a similar age to DS and start to widen your social circle? All of this will put you in good stead when it comes to finding your identity again and help you have the confidence to retain your identity when you do meet someone new.

user1491812680 Fri 26-May-17 14:43:37

You arent, you really really arent. You feel this way now as you are clearly very down and who wouldnt be really having gone through what you have but Im promise you are not worthless.

Self worth and value can be learned, but firstly you have to accept that it is ok to be you. that its ok to feel bad.

You have a child who I have no doubt you are an excellent parent to. Your worth to that child is limitless. try and chat about it either with your gp or a counsellor. There is hope.

pog100 Fri 26-May-17 14:44:44

Look at the people reaching out to after one post here. They don't think you are pointless. You did the most amazing thing, grew a new life inside you. Something I'll never do as I'm male. Take the advice here and use this time to re-evaluate from scratch and see things differently

BubblingUp Fri 26-May-17 14:50:51

Start small. Start defining yourself to yourself. Decide things you like and don't like. You get to have preferences, interests, things you like to do. The one TV show is a great start. Build on that.

Don't date right now. Just build your own life. Read the above mentioned book and also read some dating books written by men. You'll see that "giving your all" to a relationship and partner is actually a turn-off for men. A healthy man wants a woman who has her own life and boundaries and doesn't rely on the man for her happiness. But it seemslike you already figured it that out, which is good.

The first thing I did when I decided to be happy, was get a bra fitting at an expensive department store. It's funny the steps we take in order to define ourselves. It'll take time to re-focus towards your own life instead of always being outwardly focused towards a man. You can do it!

ravenmum Fri 26-May-17 14:55:37

What Foureyes said.
www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/low-mood-and-depression.aspx

You sound depressed and need to deal with that as a medical condition.

Perhaps this knockdown could be the one that makes you deal with these ongoing issues and will be a turning point. You may end up wishing your condition had been treated thoroughly a very long time ago.

Have you attempted to get help before now?

category12 Fri 26-May-17 15:08:13

Go to the GP first off. Get some help with your low mood. Make the appointment today.

Next, start taking small steps to finding yourself. Revisit childhood hobbies, try something new, plan a little holiday or trip, join a class or try a MeetUp group, do something you've never done before. < not all of those at once smile.

You're just a bit lost and sad right now.

ravenmum Fri 26-May-17 15:13:57

As well as your GP, some practical things you can start to combat your depression straight away include getting exercise, ideally outside in the sun, and making sure your diet is healthy - fresh food, plenty to drink. Are you getting enough iron?

(Maybe also look into joining a hiking or cycling club in the longer term?)

Justbreathing Fri 26-May-17 17:02:56

Read women who love to much
You sound exactly like me, I nearly got run over and all I could think is "no one would really care"

Sickofthisalready Fri 26-May-17 20:22:09

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone that took the time to read and reply.

Missbax - I do work part time. My DS goes to nursery while im at work and on the other days we go to the park/beach/zoo/swimming etc. I used to enjoy gardening but have lost interest in that. I am thinking of joining the gym and doing some classes, but its difficult to commit to something thats a specific day and time as ex is so unreliable and my mum works evenings.

Foureyes - I dropped out of college shortly after starting, as I wanted to work instead. I have been thinking about going to see my GP for a while, so think I should make this a priority now.

Im so grateful for all your replies and will definitely get the books mentioned. I suppose ive never sought help before, as I thought it was just further proof of what a loser I am needing help to get over things that other people just deal with and take in their stride.

I know I need to start with small changes and stop comparing myself to others.

Ive had a long hard think, and have decided I would love to learn to speak french fluently, then maybe other languages. I love camping and want to learn to swim properly. Id like to learn some basic DIY skills as I now live alone, and would quite like to do some kind of make up course id these exist!!!

I feel so much better already and am actually not dreading the weekend anymore. Thank you everyone xxx

category12 Fri 26-May-17 20:45:12

That sounds really positive smile. Your local college will probably do some or all of those classes. Camping in France this time next year wink.

Motoko Fri 26-May-17 20:53:41

Glad to hear you're feeling better OP.

You said you used to like gardening. Do you have a garden? It would be something you and DS could do together. Children love watching plants grow, especially if they're edible!
Even if you don't have a garden, you could grow some things on the windowsill, such as herbs or cress.

Have a google for free language courses. I'm sure I've heard people mention one called DuoLingo that's free.

There are lots of tutorials on YouTube to learn DIY skills.

You're NOT a loser! You're just going through a rough patch and got a bit lost. Time to find yourself again.

Hope you have a good weekend.

Angleshades Fri 26-May-17 21:06:05

Op you are soooooo not pointless. You sound at the end of your tether after someone you cared about has let you down. Take your time, grieve the end of your relationship and then slowly start to rebuild yourself. This will not happen overnight but will be a gradual process and one day you'll look back and see how far you've come.

You have the perfect blank canvas from which to kick start your life with. You have a wonderful ds - lucky you, a lot of people would give anything to have that. Look for the positives that you already have in your life and build from there. It's good that you have a supportive mum too who can help with babysitting now and again.

There are so many opportunities out there for you. You say you like camping, have a look at this and see what you think www.campmates.co.uk I think the idea of learning a new language is a great one. You'll get to meet new people through that and that will bring other opportunities to socialise.

What about inviting some nursery mums and toddlers round for a cuppa or joining a mum and toddler group perhaps?

I think sometimes we can all become stuck in negative thinking which makes us feel rubbish and unworthy of a happy life. But these are just thoughts. Nothing else. And it's not true. It's just negative overthinking. You somehow need to turn off your negative thinking, take a deep breath and throw yourself into something. You won't regret it.

Sickofthisalready Fri 26-May-17 21:07:09

Thank you both.

Ive camped in france every year for the last 12 years, amd thought it wouldn't happen again now im single. But DS loves it so maybe after a few uk test runs we'll venture back to France!!!

Im lucky enough to have a garden, and your right DS would love growing some strawberries and tomatoes. So we'll clear a patch for them tomorrow smile

Have a lovely weekend everyone xx

Trying2bgd Fri 26-May-17 21:13:32

I think you need to learn to love yourself and value yourself. As you said yourself you have needed relationships to validate yourself and hence when it goes wrong, you fall into a downward spiral. You are smart enough to understand what the problem is, so now you just need to get some help to take the next step and help you put a stop to all this ruminating on the past. It needs to come from within you rather than via a partner or a friend. See a counsellor who can offer you the support and guidance in finding the strength to be the amazing person I know you can be. Don't give up on yourself.

Trying2bgd Fri 26-May-17 21:14:41

Just read your last post, definitely do some gardening! Enjoy

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