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Is this worrying? (TMI warning)

(68 Posts)
Namechange0987 Fri 26-May-17 10:48:04

Ok, have name changed here for obvious reasons.
This is even quite difficult for me to discuss anonymously - probably because I'm scared about what people's comments will tell me.
I've been with my OH for 6 years. We're very much in love, I am treated wonderfully by him, he's very attentive, tactful, kind etc and we have a good sex life.
Last year we got engaged and OH wanted to tell me something to get "everything out in the open" I was curious and willing to hear whatever was said.
He then told me that when he was younger he had engaged in oral sex with another man.
Obviously I was quite taken aback and surprised - he has always been very into my body and our sex life. I also don't know WHY he told me this. I don't feel like I needed to know it. He said he's never told anyone in his life and wanted me to know before we got married (again, not sure exactly why).
Since he told me he has told me that it's 'unearthed' what happened and he feels like he has been thinking about it more and more. He has also suggested that we have a 3-some and has admitted watching male to male porn of blow jobs!!
Now I'm very open minded and know several of my female friends who have also experimented when they were younger. But this just bothers me. Not the fact that he might be bi (which he obviously is as much as he isn't willing to accept it), but that I am never going to be able to give him THAT!
He has said that he could never imagine kissing another man, anal sex and is not aroused by the thought of cuddling or having a relationship with a man or looking at a man's body as a whole. But he says he feels aroused by an erect penis.
I do believe him.
Am I being stupidly naive??
Is it possible he really could have a "penis fetish" or is this just the first step to me being left for a man in the future?!??

Borninatrap Fri 26-May-17 10:51:06

No, I don't think this will lead you to being left for a man. What you find a turn on and what you want out of a relationship are two different things. Are you worried that eventually he will seek out oral with another man?

Borninatrap Fri 26-May-17 10:52:46

And I know this is very private blush but did he give or receive? Because I can see if he gave it this would cause you concern as you don't have a penis so he can't do that in the future?

Namechange0987 Fri 26-May-17 10:54:08

Bornina thanks for replying - yes I think that is my worry. He's said since telling me he's found himself fantasising about male oral sex! I've even considered buying a strap on or something so he can carry it out if he wants but don't know whether it'd actually just upset me. Or if it didn't and he liked it would he want to move it on to the 'real thing'?!

Namechange0987 Fri 26-May-17 10:55:16

He did both - gave and received. I don't know which it is that arouses him more, I've not actually asked as I find it so uncomfortable to talk about. I'm normally very liberal and accepting - if this was a friend it wouldn't concern me at all, but I find it very hard to think about.

Borninatrap Fri 26-May-17 10:59:32

I can see it would be really difficult to talk about but I think talking it out is the only way. Have you voiced the concern you hadn't in your last sentence to him?

Borninatrap Fri 26-May-17 11:00:23

*have (sorry)

category12 Fri 26-May-17 11:02:42

If he wants to think of it as a penis fetish, that's one way to frame it. Just sounds like he's bi to me. But whatever.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 26-May-17 11:04:35

In your shoes I would be honest and ask that he kept this part of his sexuality to himself. No need to be involving you in his fantasies unless you are actually turned on by him giving oral sex to another man and by the sounds of it you are not.

Imo he only told you because quite simply he wanted to put feelers out and gauge your reaction, and since you took it so well he is slowly pushing the boundaries.

statetrooperstacey Fri 26-May-17 11:05:39

i think he. Is sounding you out to see if this is something you are ok with as he has probably been sticking his cock in public toilet glory holes (and volunteering on the other side) for some time. Just my guess as you said it was a random thing to bring up and he didn't really need to tell you.

Namechange0987 Fri 26-May-17 11:06:31

I have talked to him about my concerns and he's assured me that if I didn't want to explore it with him in some way then that's fine as I'm his priority. But a part of me is worried that he's just saying that to put my mind at ease!

Namechange0987 Fri 26-May-17 11:08:01

state what an absolutely ridiculous statement to make. He is not a cheat and would never engage in such risky behaviours - he's not an idiot!!

HildaOg Fri 26-May-17 11:08:06

If it's not for you, it's not for you but appreciate his honesty and openness. Personally, it wouldn't bother me. People like all sorts.

Why can't you ask him what specifically attracts him? He's opened up to you with something very personal... You should open up in return. If you're thinking about marriage then you have to be able to talk openly about sex or there will be problems no matter what the fantasies are.

If you don't think you can be sexually compatible with his desires then you may want to think twice about marriage but you have to be able to talk openly.

Namechange0987 Fri 26-May-17 11:17:42

Hilda - good point. The last time we spoke about it properly was a few months ago. When I have asked him about it more recently he's just said "oh don't worry about it, it's not a big deal" so have just left it really but it does play on my mind a bit.
Like you - before this I would have had the exact same outlook and said I wouldn't mind but admittedly I do feel differently now I'm in the situation

statetrooperstacey Fri 26-May-17 11:28:48

gosh no of course not, lots of other men do that, but not your husband obviously. How rediculous of me. Sorry.
I would however keep it in mind however far fetched it seems.

Namechange0987 Fri 26-May-17 11:34:18

state - of course it's a ridiculous statement to make. You have taken one piece of information about my OH and painted a picture that he sneaks off to shag holes in walls for pleasure 😂 you know nothing about him so to suggest he engages in risk taking behaviour and would become aroused by such a seedy thing is very odd. Are you the type of person who also assumes that girls who wear short skirts must be total slags and that all gay men are promiscuous?

shineon Fri 26-May-17 11:37:41

Oh God thats a tough one. Honestly if it was me I think it would be too much for me to live with. That picture in my head would be there & I would always have a niggling doubt that I would never be what he wants. Only you know if you can live with this

NotYoda Fri 26-May-17 11:41:52

I agree with what QuiteLikely says

He could have kept this to himself, and fantasised, so I don't think he told you in a spirit of general honesty. He really wants to do this.

It's not something that I could put back in the box, personally.

NavyandWhite Fri 26-May-17 11:50:23

Blimey. I agree with Yoda that I don't think he's told you to not have any secrets but because he's still thinking about it and probably wanting to carry on with it.

I'm not sure I could carry on the relationship in all honesty as at some point I would be worried it would rear its ugly head again.

Rareshopkins Fri 26-May-17 11:50:56

Interesting that he waited until you were engaged to bring this up. There was no opportunity in the previous 6 years??

NotYoda Fri 26-May-17 11:51:00

..as it were
sorry

NotYoda Fri 26-May-17 11:51:16

^ that was to Navy

Launderetta Fri 26-May-17 11:54:01

I think its really positive that he is sharing this fantasy with you, he obviously trusts & respects you. I don't think his fantasy poses a risk to your relationship, theres such a big difference between a sexual thrill & a meaningful ltr.
In your shoes, I'd let him try the threesome. Thats as close as you'll get to involvement in his fantasy, and I think its important that you work with him on this. If you don't stay involved then you obviously risk pushing aside what seems to be a significant part of his personality; thats when relationships suffer.
Take this as an opportunity to explore your own sexuality, too - you may find the threesome is a turn on for you too!

NotYoda Fri 26-May-17 11:59:24

I would only like fantasies to be shared with me at my invitation. Perhaps I am a prude

Borninatrap Fri 26-May-17 12:06:10

Hmm, I missed the threesome point. That kind of changes things as it means he's dragging you into it and I suspect if you did have one you would be sidelined whilst he indulged his fantasy. I think it might do more harm to YOU in the long term and affect your self esteem. What do you feel about it, in your gut?

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