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Wwyd- throwing books at bed time...

(83 Posts)
doijusthavetolovewithit Fri 26-May-17 09:49:34

Best version....I called H a fascist in a discussion about the Manchester bombing i was totally unreasonable and wouldn't listen to him as I disagreed and was offended (I'm a minority he is not). I told him I could have this conversation and left the room. He was so offended that whilst i sdid bed time He threw a cup of water at me and threw every book in the room at me (maybe 100) whilst my children watched and cried.
I am definitely annoying/opinionated but how do I get our family help with anger it feels like it's seeping into all of us. I'm sure you'll tell me I have a responsibility to leave but he's the home maker! I would see the children less.

Babyonboard101 Fri 26-May-17 09:52:06

Uh tell him calmly u don't agree and don't want to talk about if it will turn into an argument? And he's the violent one not you based on what he said so the court system would most likely give u the children and him access maybe if you were to leave

MumIsRunningAMarathon Fri 26-May-17 10:07:35

This is the first time he's behaved like this??

doijusthavetolovewithit Fri 26-May-17 10:46:59

No

doijusthavetolovewithit Fri 26-May-17 10:47:21

This sort of blow up maybe every 3-6months

caffeinestream Fri 26-May-17 11:00:25

Why are you with a violent man?

MumIsRunningAMarathon Fri 26-May-17 11:02:14

So why hang around and wait for the next incident

You do realise your kids are taking all this in and will remember this as they grow up?

MumIsRunningAMarathon Fri 26-May-17 11:03:36

He's the homemaker??? How do?

Home wrecker by the sound of it

Your kids watched this man throw over 100 objects at you.... with the aim of hurting you

doijusthavetolovewithit Fri 26-May-17 11:08:53

I leave the house at 530am each morning and get back 12-14hrs later. He does school run, breakfast, children's tea....
You all make it sound very black and white. It doesn't feel black and white.

ImperialBlether Fri 26-May-17 11:10:25

Your working life sounds awful. Is there anything you could do so that you and he both work and have time at home?

thethoughtfox Fri 26-May-17 11:17:02

This is horrific. Don't minimise this. This was a sustained attack in front of terrified children. Please don't leave him with your children. Would you imply a nanny who was violent every 3-4 months? Would you assume they were like Mary Poppins the rest of the time? He will have thousands of interactions with the children a day and many will be tinged with anger and unpleasantness.

thethoughtfox Fri 26-May-17 11:17:23

employ

isthistoonosy Fri 26-May-17 11:18:19

Have you reported anything to the police? Thats where I would start and get it on record that he is violent.
Has he 'blown up' at the kids yet, if not it is only a matter of time I suppose.

If (hopefully when) you leave him how could you change your work to fit around the kids, whether that is go pt, or change role, or job location I'd start making those changes now so you are around more for the kids and closer to doing half of the primary child care role.

thethoughtfox Fri 26-May-17 11:18:54

What happened after the attack? Did you leave, call the police, beg him to stop? Who spoke to the children to tell them that this wasn't ok? Who cleaned it up? Your children may need counselling.

Boomcack Fri 26-May-17 11:20:14

Why are you asking if you don't want advise. He lacked sympathy with your perspective. Then threw things at you because you disagreed on something. Your children watched and were distressed. What do you think YOU should do? He is violent and impacting you and the children. So what if he is the home maker. Leave and pay a baby sitter

Boomcack Fri 26-May-17 11:20:45

It's called abuse and domestic violence.

caffeinestream Fri 26-May-17 11:21:51

Not black and white, no, but your kids are in an abusive household and by staying, you're telling them that it's okay for their father to abuse their mother sad

On the other hand, your working hours sound horrendous! Do you have a long commute or something? I think if you addressed that and tried to find a job with more regular hours, leaving wouldn't seem as daunting as you wouldn't be relying on him as much?

ILookedintheWater Fri 26-May-17 11:24:47

Are you certain that he does not abuse your children as well if you are out of the house so much.... If you found out he was hurting them what would you do?

MumIsRunningAMarathon Fri 26-May-17 11:43:53

How old are your children op?

thethoughtfox Fri 26-May-17 11:45:56

Even if he is not physically abusing your children, on a daily basis I bet he is snappy, short-tempered, rough handling them, perhaps calling them names when then don't do what he says. They will already be adjusting their behaviour and hiding their true feelings ( as much a children of their age can) to appease him and protect themselves. And if he attacks you every 3-4 months, he will hurt them soon.

doijusthavetolovewithit Fri 26-May-17 11:47:13

They are 7 and 5.

LuchiMangsho Fri 26-May-17 11:52:58

Your husband said racist things I gather? About their mother who is not white? Then launched a sustained attack while scared children watched. To make it worse this is not the first time it has happened. And to make it absolutely terrifying this thug/bully is the primary caregiver of the children who are left at his mercy.
I am struggling to see what is NOT black and white about this.

doijusthavetolovewithit Fri 26-May-17 12:04:32

I'm sure but can't you imagine? This isn't a frequent DV situation. Theoretically I have a lot of power in this relationship - independent financially and socially when I want. All the complaints DV wives often have about control with their husbands I'm the one with that control although I wouldn't say I force it on him he is utterly reliant on me financially and doesn't like it. He brings up the children more than I do sets the rules etc.
I've asked him to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm trying to work out if I can leave and provide. In court I'll have to support him and the children in a house separate to me. It's so simple from the outside I promise you it is extremely difficult from
The inside. I'm not injured. I'm not cowed. But this is a mess and I'm trying to work out how to extricate myself or solve the problem. And it's just not black and white. Imagine removing children from the father theyvadore to be with their mother who's normally always working! One step at a time.

I do totally understand though. I think that's why I'm here. I need to hear it. I keep making excuses. He keeps making excuses but I need to hear the horrified voices. I'm starting to normalise.

doijusthavetolovewithit Fri 26-May-17 12:09:20

Forget the racism stuff I don't want to go into that that's politics really. He didn't offend me personally I just thought he was rising to the clash of the civilisations rubbish that ISIL tout. Anyway that's complicated but he was drunk and was being provocative and it worked but I walked away but called him fascist and he got v v cross.

bibliomania Fri 26-May-17 13:23:59

I left my exH with my DD, and despite the fact that I was the main bread-winner, DD stayed with me. I took her and left, and then went to court to sort out the living arrangements for DD. He had plenty of access (which he subsequently messed up).

I'm saying this to reassure you that just because the current arrangement is him being the SAHP, it doesn't mean that the court will insist on this continuing. Whatever you do, don't move out, leaving the dcs with him, because that will be the status quo that becomes very hard to challenge.

You need to talk to Women's Aid/Refuge (or there may be a local org that does the same job). This is DV. It doesn't matter whether the books actually hit you (and frankly, you're relying on a drunk man to have good aim as the only protection against your children getting hit. Getting the corner of a book into the eye can do a fair amount of harm). WA won't force you to do things you don't want to do, but they can help you with information about the options open to you.

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