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Is leaving due to a lack of sex unreasonable?

(35 Posts)
PlayOnWurtz Fri 26-May-17 07:57:32

Once a month is all we have at most. I've grown resentful and tired of him and how his lack of affection and desire for me makes me feel.

I know it's frowned upon to sulk and whinge when you get turned down but I've tried being nice and understanding and am finding myself getting quite vocally pissed off with him when he yet again says he doesn't want to be with me.blush

Even when conditions are perfect - a weekend away without the kids - we won't ever have sex.

I've absolutely reached the end of my tether with it. I would rather go without sex because I'm single than be with someone and go without sex. It's making me so so angry!!!

TheNaze73 Fri 26-May-17 08:05:03

No, it is not unreasonable. Sex & money are the two most common reasons for seperatiom in the Uk.

There are two sides to every story however, you have right to end any relationship that isn't right.

aprilanne Fri 26-May-17 08:06:10

is your hubby maybe depressed or ill .i have not had sex for about 4 years because of his illness yes its frustrating but i think of all the other ways he is a good man

wherearemymarbles Fri 26-May-17 08:23:50

Well it depends. If you are a women posting on mumsnet then yes, all fine. If you are a man then you are an entitled sex pest and a cunt who is lucky to be married in the 1st place

TheStoic Fri 26-May-17 08:46:06

Have you talked about it? Do you know why he doesn't want sex with you?

PlayOnWurtz Fri 26-May-17 08:51:43

I've spoken to him about it numerous times through the years and he says he simply doesn't have the sex drive and doesn't want it. Nothing I've done or not done just never wants sex.

Teddy6767 Fri 26-May-17 08:51:50

Me and my ex of 5 years split up because we were only having sex about once a year. I didn't want to waste my life with someone I wasn't sexually compatible with. I'm now with someone who I have incredible sex with whenever I see him (usually every couple of days). It's not the be all and end all of a relationship, but it's definitely important to have intimacy reasonably regulalry IMO

katronfon Fri 26-May-17 08:59:28

I think it's more complicated - or maybe simpler than that, TBH. You can leave a partner for whatever reason you want and it is won't be unreasonable because not wanting to be with them is a perfectly good reason to leave.

I'd hazard a guess that there is more to it though, because surely if you love someone to bits, find their company stimulating and basically love being with them, you wouldn't be asking the question. UNLESS it wasn't reciprocated - in which case the question is maybe not about sex, but more, 'is it unreasonable to leave my husband whom I love to bits because I'm pretty sure he doesn't love/fancy me and it is making me unhappy?'

In which case the answer is still, no, it's not unreasonable to leave someone for whatever reason you choose, and making you unhappy is a perfectly good reason. If actually you don't love him, and you think he doesn't love/fancy you, then even more so...

ZeroFuchsGiven Fri 26-May-17 09:01:35

How old is he? Do you think maybe he is suffering from ED and is embarrassed to talk about it?

user1495783607 Fri 26-May-17 09:02:45

We have sex once a month - if that! However we are both so tired we cant be bothered. Now in a way this is frustrating as hell! Could he be tired? A night away from kids could feel like a good nights sleep to him rather than swinging you all over the bedroom? I get how you are feeling. My situation is different because we both want to sleep. Does he flirt with you? I think as women, (may just be me) but sex isnt an issue if I am still being made to feel beautiful. Like if I am changing and he walks in he will just give me a look, or if i wear my hair different he will tell me it looks lovely. Is that element still there in your relationship? If thats mot there, then I would possibly walk away. Best advice I can give you though is if the sex issue is making you consider walking away, then it is important enough to you to walk away! You do whatever you need to make you happy xx

highinthesky Fri 26-May-17 09:02:57

Married people are expected to have sex as part of the contract.

Just another reason it's not for me.

Bananamanfan Fri 26-May-17 09:10:48

Can you ask him to be really honest about why he can't have sex? (& be honest with him that you are thinking of ending it). Is he too tired, too stressed, doesn't fancy you, suffering from ED, a victim of previous sexual abuse...I would want to know the reason before i left, but i guess you will have asked him many times.

Oblomov17 Fri 26-May-17 09:20:22

Is it unreasonable? No. Definitely not.

Dh and I talk about it aswell. It's sad, isn't it? Especially when there so much good and compatibility in so many other areas.

HildaOg Fri 26-May-17 09:20:51

See if you can fix the sex problem first. Suggest couples therapy. Also look at the possibilities for him not wanting sex; it's either medical whether physical or mental, he's met someone else or he doesn't fancy you any more.

The first can be treated if he's prepared to open up, the second is better gotten rid and the third can be fixed if the problem is that you've let yourself go.

If this can't be fixed then divorce but give him the chance to rectify the problem first making clear what the alternative is. You have to be open and prepared to listen to him too.

CiderwithBuda Fri 26-May-17 09:23:02

If he's is honestly not bothered about having sex again I'm not sure there is much you can do. You need to make a decision as to how important it is to you.

I understand completely how you feel. My DH is the same. It was a huge issue for us for years but I stayed for various reasons. I'm now used to it and it doesn't bother me. Whether that is due to menopause or the whole 'use it or lose it' thing I don't know.

beingsunny Fri 26-May-17 09:33:49

This is a terrible place to be, my husband exh stopped wanted by me, when it b came an 'issue' I got 'duty' sex which was worse than none.

It's damaging to your self esteem and very painful, I'm so sorry you are in this position.

I now understand that sex will slow down, my partner and I now are at around twice a week. I had a horrendous transition period of twice a day to twice a week because of my past.

He is flirty, clearly finds me attractive and when we do have sex very much turned on by me.

I would like it to be more frequent, 4-5 times a week would probably work but I now understand people have different drives.

It's a really hard decision, if you feel this is damaging you then you must leave, I would try couples therapy and maybe sex therapy first, I believe leaving is a last resort but there should be no shame or guilt for it.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Fri 26-May-17 09:38:01

You say there's a lack of affection, so does that mean that as well as not wanting sex he also doesn't want the non-sexual physical intimacy such as hugging too?

thinkiamgoingcrazy Fri 26-May-17 09:41:25

Not unreasonable at all. I am in the middle of planning to leave partly due to the same reason. Lack of affection is soul destroying. I too would rather be single and never touched again, than married and never touched again!

thinkiamgoingcrazy Fri 26-May-17 09:42:29

And I have put up with it for years.

CiderwithBuda Fri 26-May-17 11:00:40

And I must say that at one point once a month would have been fantastic compared to never! But if it's hurting you then it's not right.

It also depends on how loved you feel other than sex. I know dh loves me and he puts me and DS first and has my back generally. We get on well and he makes me laugh.

I think I'm slightly swayed by seeing what some other friends are going through with husbands that are completely the other way and completely fixated on sex. At this stage I prefer my set up but I didn't always!

WaitingYetAgain Fri 26-May-17 15:45:34

My friend left her husband because of it. As PP said, there was a back story to it, so while on the surface it seemed just about sex and the lack of it, there were multiple layers of issues underpinning it.

I don't think it is unreasonable to leave but I think I would only do so if I had exhausted all options for a resolution first. I would be more inclined to do that if everything else in the relationship were good. If other forms of intimacy, such as snuggling, had gone, then I personally wouldn't be able to stay. If my husband/partner were unwilling to discuss it then I'd not stay as not only would it never resolve but to me the unwillingness to discuss it ultimately shows a lack of respect for me/my happinesses etc.

NotTheFordType Fri 26-May-17 16:58:05

If he feels sex is so unimportant then presumably he's happy for you to get it elsewhere?

user1495707114 Fri 26-May-17 17:08:39

Maybe he's asexual. You're not compatible and you can absolutely leave.

But since he's a guy, you have to demonize him on the way out. Only women are allowed to not want sex!

metspengler Fri 26-May-17 17:18:09

I wouldn't suggest you end your marriage over it.

I do know how you feel, though. We have a lot less than that and I have been through all sorts of feelings because of it. I've felt like stringing myself up, I've let myself go (I put on about 7 stone) and after a few years of it I came quite close to taking someone up on their offer and cheating.

People who "get" you and then consider that quite enough sex for the rest of your life should carry a health warning. They make you feel like utter shit, any marriage they get you into is a lie and the rejection and withdrawn affection consumes the best years of your life, and eventually the very essence of your happiness like some kind of vampire. Horribly, the more faithful a wife you are, the longer and worse the torture will be.

Wow, that feels better getting that off my chest but not as much better as a shag would - anyway you have my sympathies OP flowers

AfroBrown Fri 26-May-17 17:32:12

Lovely mumsnet ladies, why do women get to leave their husbands for lack of sex but when men complain of a lack of sex most seem to think that sex is not a given and he shouldn't it be a pest. Surely it should be the same rules for both

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