Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

We have to sell our house and I feel bereft

(82 Posts)
Saffastisat Fri 26-May-17 00:40:59

Slightly embarrassed at posting this as compared to some of the problems people have this is nothing. But it does fall into the remit of relationships.

10 years ago we bought what we thought was our forever home. The moment I walked in I saw myself living there when I was 80 years old and sitting at a seat by the window in the living room watching the goings on down below. It's a beautiful period building in a lovely city, and we restored it from crumbling, decorated it and settled there.

I brought my DC home from the hospital to the house, and they've grown up there so far (they're still young - under 5.) I spent my first night as a new mother there with DD1, in the living room, holding her on my chest feeling the weight of responsibility, but also feeling elated and grown up.

Every time I have felt sad or depressed the house has been a retreat for me, and I feel very peaceful and safe there. It's the first house I have ever "owned" too, as I could only afford a joint mortgage with DH.

Anyway, thanks to DH making some poor investment decisions, we are struggling. We've investigated a lot of options, but the only option seems to be to sell our house.

DH is trying to be very matter of fact about it and telling me I have to want what's best for our family and what's best right now is that we have enough to bridge our financial gap. Which is true. He says that even talking about it or investing emotion in it is a waste of time and does not benefit us.

But every time I think about losing the house or selling it, I want to bite my cheek hard inside my mouth. The thought of it is unbearable.

I am also angry at DH and I don't know if i can get over his decisions which led to the events where we had to sell this house. But it's more loss that I feel than anger.

We had a lot of parties there, friends would drop round as it was the centre of town. Lots of memories, family, events, working from home. The house was so tied up in my identity.

I'm just wondering if anyone's got some words of consolation. Even a kick up the ass. Or telling me why I am feeling this way about the house.

DH keeps telling me that our family is our family - the 5 of us - not the house. That wherever we go will be our home. And of course I agree with that, that's what that matters.

But I just feel like what I thought was my future has disappeared in front of my eyes.

Is that justified?

2014newme Fri 26-May-17 00:44:26

Do you not make investment decisions jointly? If not, could you in future, has your head been in the sand?
A house is bricks and mortar only but yes i would be gutted in your case. Can you remortgage instead?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Fri 26-May-17 00:45:58

That sounds really really sad OP I'm so sorry flowers
Can you tell us a bit about why your DH has lost so much money - is it debt? Can it be reconsolidated? Have you looked at all options

Saffastisat Fri 26-May-17 00:46:06

He had supposed expertise in the market we were investing in. I agreed based on his expertise. Turns out it wasn't right. He always maintains that I did agree so technically it was a joint decision.

Doesn't get rid of the blame in my head.

We've looked into remortgaging but we can't. We currently have no income.

2014newme Fri 26-May-17 00:47:52

Can one or both of you get a job ASAP?
I'd be out getting even temp work straight away

Orangebird69 Fri 26-May-17 00:49:00

Could you rent it or for a little while and rent somewhere cheaper yourselves?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Fri 26-May-17 00:49:24

I don't understand. What was he using for his investments? Where was the money coming from that he was using to invest?

You say he had expertise, do you mean he was qualified?

MyheartbelongstoG Fri 26-May-17 00:53:25

Op you sound heartbroken.

I'm currently in an agreement with my mortgage company. I know a little about how you're feeling and I'm so sorry.

I own this house with my ex husband who refuses to divorce me so makes me situation a little bit different. I feel like I'm living on borrowed time and like you I've brought all of my children home here.

Are eithervof you in a position to work?

VimFuego101 Fri 26-May-17 00:59:43

YANBU to be upset about it. What options have you looked into? Perhaps someone on here can suggest something.

PippaFawcett Fri 26-May-17 01:03:22

Renting it out could work, then if your circumstances change then you could move back in...

Tortycat Fri 26-May-17 01:06:13

flowers op. I can understand why youre both sad and resentful - you're sad about the loss of a dream and your hopes for the future.

In a similar ish position too sadly - dp was made redundant at xmas and hasnt found another job yet. I cant afford the mortgage on my salary. If he doesnt find a well paid job soon we'll have to put our dream home on the market. Feeling equally sad...

2014newme Fri 26-May-17 01:24:13

Op always take independent financial advice Re investments and never risk your home 💐💐💐

AcrossthePond55 Fri 26-May-17 01:25:08

I think you have a right to be sad, a right to grieve. Homes are more than 4 walls and a roof! Regardless of whether the decision was joint or not, your DH should respect your right to feel sad about it.

You talk about 'bridging the financial gap'. Am I correct in assuming that this means that you'll have to use any profit from the sale to meet financial debt rather than to downsize to a less expensive house?

I'm in the US so completely unfamiliar, but is there any way you can file bankruptcy and keep the house?

e1y1 Fri 26-May-17 01:29:59

So sorry you're going through this OP flowers

On one hand can totally understand your feelings, you love your house and it holds a lot of memories.

On the other, a house without people is just a building, not a home. In the end, your family security is more important.

Can also understand your anger at DH, as if not for the bad investments, then this wouldn't be happening.

Maybe look at altering how these are handled in the future (if needed, not for me to comment), and you never know, your next house may be even better, and actually be the one that is meant to be your forever home.

sleepingdragons Fri 26-May-17 01:33:26

How much do you need

1. to pay in total?
2. to pay each month?

It the problem that you can't meet your mortgage payments, or that you have debts to pay also?

Let's see if there are any other options.

1. rent the whole house, live osmewhere smaller and cheaper for a bit
2. rent a room to get money from a lodger
3. AirBNB it
4. Get a job
5. Sell stuff

If you tell us more about the detail I expect some o hte kowledgable poeple here might have some good ideas.

You need to take control and stop letting him make the decisions. He's told you you have to sell the house - now it's up to you to see if there is an alternative. Don't let him talk you out of is, you make your own mind up on what needs to happen.

Maverick66 Fri 26-May-17 01:43:04

I feel your pain OP.wineflowers
we have made foolish investments. (Property in boom time) now we are left with negative equity and dh has to work extremely hard to keep a roof over our heads.

We are married 30'years and life is not how we envisaged it.
We thought we would be semi retired and having a comfortable life at this age but instead we struggle to make ends meet and retirement is a distant dream.

BoomBoomsCousin Fri 26-May-17 01:43:12

I suspect a lot of the loss you feel is down to the manner in which you have lost it - something you feel was avoidable. Perhaps you think DH was not honest about his knowledge? Or that him having knowledge should have entirely insulated you from risk? In any case, I think the key to accepting the loss of your dream home is in truely forgiving him.

TinselTwins Fri 26-May-17 01:49:15

Can you take in a lodger? take in language/summer school students? rent out your parking space/garage? Rent out the whole house for a while while you live in a smaller/cheaper rented property?

p.s. I understand completely understand, I had a lot of emotion tied up in the house where I carried my babies - from peeing on a stick in the bathroom to early labour and bringing them home etc xx

Mysteriouscurle Fri 26-May-17 01:50:13

I would be a bit annoyed about dh insisting it was a joint decision. It WAS a joint decision but it was based on his bad advice. I would probably struggle with this too. No advice but I think your dh should accept that you have a right to be upset.

annandale Fri 26-May-17 02:25:01

When I was 16 we had to move out of our house as my dad had made decisions that made that inevitable. It was painful in a way but at that age it was also the best thing that had ever happened to me.

Ultimately a house is just a house. Your dh is right in that the memories in that house are all of family. Learn from this - only bet what you can afford to lose - investments are just bets by another name.

Having said all that - the house is an asset - is there any way you can sweat the asset as suggested by Tinseltwins? Your DH is once again calling the shots - make your own assessment of the situation - is there really no other way?

FauxFox Fri 26-May-17 07:06:18

It's just a house. If you continue to blame your husband for this you will lose him too in the end.

SomeKindOfGenius Fri 26-May-17 07:06:21

I have been in a similar situation regarding my parents house with years of memories (40+ years) when our family home was blighted by HS2. I felt all the things you describe, I couldn't console myself, it felt like the pain wouldn't end. This all sounds very dramatic and probably a bit ridiculous to some people but that's just how it was for us. It was like grieving.
Lots of people gave the "it's just bricks and mortar" advice but we didn't believe them.
It's now 2 years down the line. My parents have moved to a new home, they have both retired and live in a new village with very active social lives. This isn't something that would have happen in the last village because it was smaller with limited things to do.
We are making new memories and we look fondly back at the old ones.
I'm not sure that I'll be able to drive past the site of the old house when they bulldoze it but I can avoid that.
Give yourself time, it'll all be ok.

BTG3385 Fri 26-May-17 07:07:14

What has happened to make you not be able to afford the monthly payments? Most bad investments involve losing savings not your house.

I think women suffer more with this type of problem. To most men it simply is bricks and a roof.

ShinyGirl Fri 26-May-17 07:10:39

Why aren't you working, are you looking for jobs because maybe you can bridge the gap quickly? brew

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 26-May-17 07:12:44

Could you rent the house out to cover the mortgage/remortgage? That way it is still there for you when you are back in your feet.

How long will it take you both to get jobs and have an income? Selling takes ages, surely in that time at least one of you could have a job, any job, if not both of you.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: