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Oh god! I'm sick of this

(12 Posts)
JK1773 Thu 25-May-17 23:25:23

This is an odd one because it's not about me but I'm getting tired of it.
My best friend has been there since we were 11 and now we're 42! I love her unreservedly, she's been there for me and vice versa over the years. I spend a fair bit of time with her and DH who she's married to about 6 years. I have DP of my own who I love dearly but due to it being relatively early days I have half the week on my own so that's why I spend time with friend. My issue is my DBF is foul to her DH, I mean swearing, nasty, belittling etc. He seems able to deal with it I suppose but she's throwing her marriage away and they have young DC. She's troubled and I've always been there for her but her behaviour towards DH is over the top and I think she'll lose him. I've tried telling her to calm down and she listens briefly but then it goes back the same. Tonight when I said she was being unreasonable she accused me of taking sides and I'd never do that but she's going to lose it all and I want to help her not do that

JK1773 Thu 25-May-17 23:29:54

Sorry this is every single time I see them they argue and she's abusive to him. It's horrible to witness

Fishface77 Fri 26-May-17 06:52:52

Your friend is abusive and I would be spending my time advising her DH on how to get away from her and how to get custody of the kids.
What an awful woman. And just because she's your friend and nice to you doesn't mean she's a nice woman.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 27-May-17 04:02:19

This may be difficult, but I think you might need to reexamine your friendship. It sounds like this woman isn't the person you've always thought her to be. She sounds cruel and abusive. Can you really be friends with someone like that?

Barbaro Sat 27-May-17 07:34:42

So their whole 6+ year relationship has been like this, but you haven't seen this behaviour from her before?

If thats the case, it sounds like a hell of a lot of stress to me thats causing the behaviour, rather than her actually being just simply a horrible person. She needs counselling and a lot of it.

If she's been this way the whole time you've known her she still needs counselling but I think you should cut contact too until she sorts herself out.

PaintingByNumbers Sat 27-May-17 07:54:15

a recent thing or always? I was pretty foul (actually, not that bad but maybe it seemed so) to dh when he wouldnt admit he had spent.the last five years sleeping with prostitutes, having an affair, and messaging old girlfriends. noone else knew. I never told anyone my suspicions. dh always seemed lovely to everyone else. it was just me who knew he was constantly lying. looking back, I can see how anxious and fucked up I was. I now wonder what my friends thought of me. my head feels completely different now and I dont understand why I didnt just leave.
maybe its similar for your friend?

Ellisandra Sat 27-May-17 08:43:59

I think you should take sides.
I think you should point him towards the services available for domestic abuse for men, and tell her that her behaviour is intolerable.

LostGarden Sat 27-May-17 08:56:13

It's not exactly new behaviour though, is it? OP says her friend has always been "troubled" which suggests she may be, God I don't know how to phrase this inoffensively, diificult, challenging?

Our family know a woman like this. She was never an easy person to be around, not very likeable, but since she married she's been monstrously abusive to her husband. So bad in fact that on one occasion when she was verbally abusing him in a supermarket, a woman approached him and asked him if he needed help. (Thank you, whoever you were, for having the courage to do that).

I would support him, as a pp suggested. Find out what resources are available for abused men, find a way to let him know you are there for him.

It's heartbreaking seeing this woman we know destroying the young guy she's married to. Friends have tried to help him but she's isolated him pretty successfully.

In your position, seeing this side of a friend, I don't think I'd want to be her friend anymore. She's an abuser.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday Sat 27-May-17 09:03:04

As she is a very good friend I'd ask firstly if she realises she's being so horrible to him and ask her why she's doing it. She needs to be made aware of it!

Tell her you feel sorry for her H and she needs to get some kind of counselling.

JK1773 Sat 27-May-17 09:53:11

I have spoken to her about it before, several times. She says that I don't realise what he is like when I'm not there and that he is just as bad if not worse. It's just horrible. When I was there the other night he couldn't say anything at all without her being nasty. He just shrugs it off. It's an awful relationship. I wouldn't dream of speaking to anyone the way she speaks to him. It's just doing my head in because if I intervene she will sometimes stop it and apologise or she will snap at me.

RogueBiscuit Sat 27-May-17 10:11:23

I would stop socializing with them.

PaintingByNumbers Sat 27-May-17 10:25:08

so he is worse in private? thats surely worrying as well?

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