Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Coping with the fall out from a womaniser(41 Posts)
I'm not sure womaniser is the right word. Player? Lothario?
I had been seeing a man on and off for a long time. Three years. He is one of those charming men that tell you everything you want to hear in the moment. I fell head over heels. He was never serious about me and we never really integrated into each others lives - just saw each other on dates one on one.
Just before I finally decided I couldn't cope with the pain of loving someone who didn't love me back, we went out with a group including a close female friend of mine. He was really flirting with her and when we said goodbye he went to give her a kiss on the cheek and slid his hand the full lenght of her bare arm (she was wearing a sleveless vest). It was unmistakenly erotic and painful to watch.
I have since (not to do with that - what provoked it was unrelated shoddy treatment of me) "broken up" with him and we aren't in contact - that was 3 months ago and I haven't spoken to him in that time.
YET - I can't seem to get over him and keep torturing myself imagining him having sex with my friend. I realise that even if he'd been properly my bf I'd have never felt secure but it makes me really sad that I was never enough for him. I feel like my friend might very well fuck him for her own reasons and the thought of it breaks my heart.
Last night I dreamt we were having a party together (as a couple) in a very fabulous Beverly Hills type house, it was the first party we'd had as a couple. I was standing on a balcony and watched him crouch down next to a random woman who was sitting with her legs crossed. In the dream, he was just chatting to her but slid his hand up her leg and I Knew he was fucking her. I woke up feeling as if it was real and I could barely breath.
It's over and I don't want to go back as I know he doesn't love me -but I feel like he and his womising has destroyed something in me. Some sort of internal self confidence. I am torturing myself mentally over and over (even in my dreams) about me not being good enough, attractive enough, and him sleeping with my friend and other women.
Is there anything I can do to get over it faster? What has he done to my head? I never used to be like this.
Don't worry it won't last. It was a fantasy and he was like a drug to you.
As soon as you realise this you can start to get better. This happened to me and nearly destroyed my life.
You've done the right thing. I read some stuff about visualising him in black and white and then make the picture smaller till its gone. strange but it worked for me.
Its also called limerance I think.
Now I look back with embarrassment.
Your dream just confirmed the truth about him. Yuk
Does your friend know how much you feel for him? If she does, and is sleeping with him I would reconsider the friendship.
I've been where you are and I really feel for you. It's as though there will never be another man like him and it HURTS.
Take things minute by minute. If you work, keep turning up and do everything you can to focus. Be kind to yourself and make sure your basic needs are taken care of.
It is absolutely not about your attractiveness or ability to "keep" him. It's about something in him. If your friend is seeing him she will be feeling the same way you are now sometime soon.
I feel so torn up about it though.
I forgot to say that night with my friend was the first time he'd met her. It was so awful seeing him do that right in front of me. I don't mean literally in my face but I saw it because I was watching him. I knew that I'd never have a moment's security with him because he basically wants sex with any woman with a pulse.
I'm so sad about it. I really loved him and care about him. I only wanted him to be happy. It's this self torture though - and it's made me feel really distant from my friend because I feel as if I couldn't cope if they did sleep together. May have done already for all I know.
I just want to have him not resident in my brain.
it's not about how attractive you are, or how interesting you are to him, or you being able to keep his attention. It's not about anyone (not even your friend) being able to do that. These myths about women who "tame" womanisers are just myths.
For him it's all about him. About his opportunism, his impulsivity, his changing momentary needs. He is not comparing or contrasting, he is just trying to take what he wants when he wants it and living in the moment.
Obviously it takes time, and meeting someone else, to realise this and move on. Having dated charmers in the past - one in particular - and being in a similar situation, when I met my DH i actually laughed at the thought of him and his behaviour.
You need to start believing what other people are saying. He is not complex and interesting or someone who deserves your preoccupied thought. He is more likely just a prolific opportunist.
PS - he's not called Will is he? I've had the "arm stroke" move from a Will before.
I feel so torn up about it though.
I know . Because you have real feelings, and empathy and you can't fathom how someone could do that in front of you knowing it would hurt. That's because you're not like him. That's why it doesn't make sense to you. His behavior is his own and is no reflection on you.
You said you were seeing him on and off for 3 years. It doesn't sound like he made any promises. Is that correct? I wonder if it's worth thinking about why you stayed with something that was so painful for you. Rather than moving away from it.
Classic case if you wanting what you can't have. Give it time but, let it go
he went to give her a kiss on the cheek and slid his hand the full lenght of her bare arm
Eurghh! He sounds creepy. I think you have made a wise choice leaving him - focus on the lucky escape you have had in the long term. He might 'get away' with this sort of behaviour while he is (presumably) good looking, but as the years go on and his looks fade he will increasingly be seen for the letch he is and be nothing but an embarrassment to his partner.
Yes - I was seeing him on/off for 3 years. I think it was partly because I'd really fallen for him and partly because I kept hoping that eventually he'd see what we could have together.
To me we had a lot of sexual chemistry and got on really well; it mattered to me and was very special - I don't feel like that very often. It had been years tbh. I expect though he can fake "sexual chemistry" with a lot of women.
Arealhumanbeing - yes my friend knows how much I like him. I don't really have a lot of close friends. I don't trust people very easily and I think I can be hard to get to know. I'm very scared that she would sleep with him - she may have done already. He's can be quite manipulative (he's very good at it and it translates into seductive) and the next time I saw him after that he asked me about her. He was "what was your friend's name; I thought she was a lot of fun." It made me wonder if he was doing that thing of wanting to make me talk about her to see how I would react.
The whole thing made me highly paranoid - it was like my deepest fear. I sometimes think that if you feel that strongly about something (afraid of it) you can actually make it happen; you attract it towards you. I mean there is probably a logical explanation rather than supernatural karma. Like you give out vibes that you don't want him to see her, which in turn he picks up on and subconciously pricks his interest - that kinda thing.
Saffissiat - no he's not called Will.
This dream I had was so real that it has really made me focus on him all over again.
This morning I was googling for "womanizer help" type stuff and found this:
This section (below) really upset me not because I was a "mistress"; I wasn't - but because the sentiment of it (accepting poor treatment (Very casual on/off) in the hope of being "upgraded" to a serious long term relationship) was EXACTLY what I was doing.
He has an ex-wife and several serious long term gf. I just keep torturing myself with why I was never good enough to make that grade. Why I was so sub-standard to him.
3. The side-chick rarely becomes the long-term girlfriend.
Once you allow yourself to be relegated to the role of a man's "mistress," "woman-on-the-side," "jumpoff" or "booty call," there is a large chance you will never be upgraded to the role of "wife" or "long-term girlfriend."
I just had this discussion with a female friend recently. There are a number of women who naively think if they start out as a man's "sexual play toy," sooner or later they will earn the right to be "upgraded" to that man's wife, or long-term romantic partner. That is highly doubtful ... not impossible, but extremely rare.
As a woman, you must familiarize yourself with what is known as the "Madonna-Whore Complex." I always tell women that understanding this concept first developed by legendary psychologist Dr. Sigmund Freud is the absolute first step to understanding why many men choose some women as long-term monogamous sex partners while interacting with other women only as short-term non-monogamous sex partners.
Without getting too lengthy here, I will give you the very short-version: Most men want to date and marry women who remind them of their mothers. I cannot tell you how many men I know right now who are married or involved in a long-term relationship with a woman who has one or more similar attributes to that man's mother.
If you remind a man of his mother, to one degree or another, that is when his conscious or subconscious mind places you in the category of "girlfriend" or "wife" material. If the primary quality that stands out about you is your sex appeal and nothing else, then nine times out of ten, that man is only going to look at you as "casual sex" material.
If it is truly your desire as a woman to be a man's future wife or girlfriend, then the worst thing you can do is start off being that man's "mistress" or "woman-on-the-side" while he is currently involved with someone else. You automatically lose respect in that man's eyes. The chances of him ever upgrading you to the status of his number-one romantic companion are slim.
Got any plans for the long weekend, OP?
Read any good books lately?
Do you live in an area where the GE candidates come canvassing, or are you in a safe seat, like me?
This hot weather's glorious, isn't it - but they speak of thunderstorms on Monday! Typical!
<Don't waste your precious, precious time thinking about this worthless idiot>
Oh this is familiar . . . been there, done that. And it is so bloody hard to get over it and move on. However, you've managed to go three months without contacting him - that's more than I managed. He was like a drug and I was addicted; I knew he was terrible for me but felt like I needed him. It changed me as a person (for the worse) and shook me to the core. I don't even know if I believe in god but I remember crying my eyes out in the loos at work one morning, begging god to help me. Definitely a life low point.
All I can say is grit your teeth, accept that you've been traumatised by it, you'll have wounds that will take a long time to heal over and scar, and just take things day by day. You WILL get over him, although it won't feel like that to you right now. Be proud of yourself for being strong enough to end the relationship and standing firm.
Many many to you!
Time time and more time is the only solution.
IMO "womanizer" is usually a term for a complete shit who treats women like objects.
How are you feeling today, OP?
You have done well not to contact him for 3 months. Many in your situation just do not manage to stay away. On top of that it was you who dumped him!
He will not like that at all.
Do you have any plans for the weekend? Doesn't have to be anything elaborate. Cook yourself a nice meal or buy some flowers or something nice for the bath?
That kind of stuff may not be your thing at all but is there anything that might give you a lift. Even if it only distracts you for a few minutes.
If there really isn't anything then don't put pressure on yourself. It can take a long time to get there.
Not going to lie it's been a tough day for me. We would usually have spent the bank holiday together so have had that to dwell on too.
I still wish I could DO (well have done) something to make him want me and to not have been so interested in other women.
I really can't imagine feeling loved ever again. It's kinda like "I offered him my love and he rejected me" who would want me. Worse because we seemed to have a real kind of click but I get that he was probably faking it with me.
I want to wake up in 2020 and for him to be a distant memory.
Is there anything I can do to speed up healing?
There is something very wrong with that man. There really is. He is damaged. Don't let him damage you anymore.
Are you looking to date anyone else right now?
I'm in exactly the same position as you OP. It's only been 8 months for me but bloody hell. It hurts. I met him just after i discovered my husband of 20 years was shagging someone else ( hired a PI and got footage/photos of them checking in to a hotel). So needless to say, i was prime fodder. Vulnerable and in desperate need of some validation.
He sounds exactly like your womaniser. Pursued me relentlessly until our first date, to the point where i nearly called it off. Then on night of first date he turned up bang on time at my house. Came in, looked me straight in the eye and then pushed me up against the wall in my corridor and rampantly kissed me and pretty much groped me. Then we had to go out for dinner...red flag, red flag. I know.
But instead of dumping him, i then became intrigued by him. Began to enjoy his rough kissing. Slept with him, then everything changed. I've allowed him to treat me as a sex object because it's best to have him like that then to not have him at all.
During the time I've been his side-chick, he's had 2 other more 'serious' girlfriends, and several casual but regular encounters with women he's met on an 'open relationship'website. What the HELL is wrong with me that I've somehow been alright about this?! Because, like you, i fell in love with him and was secretly hoping he'd see what he's missing. But it's NEVER going to happen. Where has my dignity and self respect gone? What an utter tool (me, not him). I can't stop thinking about him and have been lying in bed all day today because i finally ended yesterday and I'm distraught. He ended it. Got sick of my neediness i think...
He doesnt sound like a 'womanizer', what he sounds like is a gropey, sleazy creep. He sounds disgusting. If a random sleaze stroked my arm id kick right off 👹 Its cos you love him, ypu think hes all that. He really isnt!!!!!
Female co-worker: 'I don’t know what they (other women in the office) see in him.' Me: 'Thats why they go in for a closer look.'
Morning OP. Did you manage to get a decent sleep?
Try to stay away from google and articles referring to 'side chicks' and 'mistresses' and all the various ways you can 'lose respect in a mans eyes'. There's a lot of rubbish on the internet. Much of it extremely sexist and designed to make you feel worse by playing on your insecurities and banking on the fact that there are a lot of broken hearted individuals out there searching for answers. Often it's about separating you from your money too. Dating tips, coaching packages, quiz results etc.
Every situation and person is different. This guy has is own unique set of circumstances/issues and the fact that you were never his wife is probably more to do with timing than anything that was lacking in you. I'm speculating here but it's possible that his marriage was a game to him too. They're not married anymore are they.
Do you really imagine that being married to him was a healthy or fulfilling experience?
He sounds exactly like your womaniser
Then on night of first date he turned up bang on time at my house. Came in, looked me straight in the eye and then pushed me up against the wall in my corridor and rampantly kissed me and pretty much groped me. Then we had to go out for dinner...red flag, red flag. I know.
Oh god Little Badger. This sounds EXACTLY like what he would do. The first time he kissed me was pretty similar. I found it very seductive because it is so full of confidence and so unlike how most men behave - it made me feel intensely desired.
Wondering if it is the same man. Or are there more of them? A tribe of men that have that self confidence to just chase and plough on in.
Shayelle and others who said he sounds like agropey sleaze.
I get why you would say that but it somehow isn't like that. It's hard to describe but it maybe because he is just good at picking his flirting targets. He totally hones in on the person he is talking to so a move like the Bare Arm Stroke is just intensely erortic. I haven't spoken to my friend about it (a bit too scared to raise it really) so I don't know how she felt. His skill is being charming and engaging so the whole effect isn't actually sleezey. He is good looking too which helps.
Some how the same behaviour from fat old Uncle Gary is different when carried out by a young Brad Pitt/David Gandy type.
A real human
Thanks - I did manage to sleep but still in the thinking about him zone.
That side chick thing is still bothering me. I suppose a part of me (this is really bonkers) still hopes that some point in future this may work out. That he'll call me because he really misses me and wants me. I have little fantasies of bumping into him looking fabulous and him falling at my feet in a rapture.
This will not happen because I'd have to go to the gym 12 hrs a day to shift this lard and have no motivation
It doesn't really make much sense to me becaues I know I don't want to go back to being that hurt.
No idea about his marriage but I wish I'd made the grade. I used to feel so jealous when he'd mention previous proper serious gf or his wife. Wished I was that good enough. Good enough to use for sex, take out for dates but not to be his partner.
Self esteem = totally pounded flat.
I'd be delighted I wasn't shackled by marriage to such a scuzzer.
He strokes your best friend's arm in front of you and flirts and you still think he's a catch?
He sounds like a dickhead. Sorry but he really does.
I think your self esteem was pretty low before you met him otherwise you wouldn't have put up with his treating you like you're disposable.
I would start saying yes to everything out there. Discover new things. Force yourself to go out to parties, dates, out with friends. Sure you'll think about him a lot but it will become less over time.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.