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I will always come second to drugs so I'm going to end it.

(25 Posts)
Borninatrap Thu 25-May-17 22:00:04

After reading another thread and being rejected for sex masked as ED for months, I've come to realise weed is the 'OW' in my relationship.

It is cryatal clear that my DP prefers a drug to a real person. And that real person is me. He is incapable of a real relationship. He has sacrificed his money, our sex life, our happiness, my company and my love so that he can smoke his life away. He is 41. He doesn't seem to realise he hasn't got forever.

I have asked him numerous times to stop or at least cut down. He's says he will but doesn't. He gets stoned every single day. I have no idea how he manages to do his job on that shit. I am FURIOUS with him.

AIBU? I don't even know why I'm asking that question because I know I'm not. I have been raped as a child, survived really physical domestic abuse and an eating disorder whilst raising 3 brilliant dc's alone but do I need to get off my head constantly? No. Has had he had any trauma? Not really, he left his poor ex after 14 years with no kids or marriage or house. Just dropped her because he 'wasn't happy'. How the fuck can you be when you've not lived in the real world since you were 18? Sorry about the rant.

jeaux90 Thu 25-May-17 22:05:02

You are amazingly strong. You really don't need this useless asshole do you? Get rid x

foxyloxy78 Thu 25-May-17 22:06:05

He must be addicted.Have you suggested counselling for him? Has he ever tried to cut down?

Borninatrap Thu 25-May-17 22:09:02

He is definitely addicted and yes I have suggested counselling and yes he has been and no nothing has worked to get him to cut down. I'm at the end of my tether with it.

I love him so much but my love hasn't beaten addiction and I don't think it ever will. I'm not strong jeaux I'm defeated.

Borninatrap Thu 25-May-17 22:10:10

And also incapable of using a comma in my defeat, it seems!

mayhew Thu 25-May-17 22:11:24

But you are strong. You have sparkling clarity. You are solving your own problem by cutting him loose.
Whereas him, he lives in a fog of weed, selfishness and avoidance of responsibility.

missyB1 Thu 25-May-17 22:14:20

you can't win in this contest, the weed will always win. An addict cannot be cured unless they want to be. He's ruining his own life but don't let him ruin yours. Leave, move on, and stay strong.

Borninatrap Thu 25-May-17 22:19:55

missy you are so right. Nothing, absolutely nothing can beat it. Not the love and adoration of a 5 year old little girl, not the breakdown of a brilliant sex life, not even the crashing depression that hits him with alarming regularity. He always goes back to it. What a joke it has played on him and he has played on himself. He uses it to calm his mind and his anxiety but it makes him hole into himself so much that he loses all the good bits of his life.

jeaux90 Thu 25-May-17 22:37:01

My sister is the same. She leaves early from family gatherings so she can smoke it. She says it's a pain relief but it's a crutch and an addiction.

You are really strong you have clearly been through so much already and this is the worst thing. When you are strong and you have motivated yourself to cope by whatever it is that kept you focussed....he just doesn't have that. He is not you. He never will be. You can't fix this.

Borninatrap Thu 25-May-17 22:53:02

Yep. He is weak. I used to mistake it for him being nice and laid back. Now, I see he is just weak. He has no fortitude. My respect for him has gone. So it is definitely time to call it a day.

BubblingUp Thu 25-May-17 23:01:15

You can't compete with addiction. All you can do is leave.

goneanonymous Thu 25-May-17 23:01:50

Congratulations and good luck OP. I ended a long marriage when I realised I was always going to be second to alcohol even though I did love him so much, he would never love me first. My next relationship made me the third party with the 'other woman' being dope. I have ditched him too and feel so strong realising that I am worth more than that. You are worth so much more than that too. Good luck and stay strong. If the respect has gone it is time for you to make your way as an amazing single woman who knows she is better than being second best to substance abuse. You are going to shine without that in your life.

Puddy234 Thu 25-May-17 23:28:13

Help. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years he lives with me. Doesn't contribute to any household bills etc because he wants me to include him on the tenancy and register on electoral register before he does this. .fair enough but he literally doesn't give me a penny and lives a very free lifestyle when it comes to his money. He gambles and drinks etc and has watched me struggle to even scrape together enough to clothe my son and doesn't bat an eye lid. We were planning to get a place together in order to 'share' the cost of things but I'm just so worried.

deste Thu 25-May-17 23:36:10

Borninatrap and Puddy234 the same advice to both of you, get rid and the sooner the better.

Cookingongas Thu 25-May-17 23:36:57

I'm sorry for you're wasted time op, joyful that you've chosen a future without the waste of an addict.

Puddy- stop searching for a place together and leave. Now. He's a bad un.

Hermonie2016 Fri 26-May-17 06:58:15

Puddy, maybe start your own thread to get more support.
It isn't fair that he doesn't give you money, what kind of man does that?

Please don't give up your home, he will drag you and your child down.Your child doesn't have a choice to live this life so don't move.It will get worse and you won't be able to get him out.

Any addiction always comes first over you.Once you realise you deserve better you will find strength to end it.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 26-May-17 11:37:58

Some people think weed is harmless.
It's not.
It ruins people.
Not all people but it can seriously mess you up.
Well done on deciding to end it.

lanouvelleheloise Fri 26-May-17 11:39:49

Do it, do it, do it. It is hard short term, but in the long term your life will be so much less painful and easier. Sometimes in life you have to go through pain so that you have a chance to escape out the other side of a black-and-white life and into technicolour.

number1wang Fri 26-May-17 11:52:18

You sound amazing OP. Unlike so many people, you haven't been ground down by your background and your relationship, you've just got stronger. You see things clearly and you know what to do. Good luck with going through with it.

OhhBetty Fri 26-May-17 12:06:49

No one is unreasonable to end a relations for any reason so if you're unhappy just end it.
Fwiw I have been through similar things to you and more and I did turn to drugs. I had an addicted to a specific drug but would take many things. Weed was also a constant for a long time. I don't think that makes me weaker than you or in any way beneath you. I just wanted anything to be out of reality. People take drugs for a variety or reasons and you also may have no idea if he's been through trauma. Only 3 people in my RL know part of my past. I know this isn't the point of the thread but I just wanted to add it in.

number1wang Fri 26-May-17 13:06:01

*OhhBetty" using weed in itself isn't the issue, and any reason why he might or might not be using it (like background trauma) is irrelevant.

The issue is that his behaviour has a massive impact on his partner and family and he doesn't appear to give a toss about that.

If you (I don't mean you "OhhBetty", I mean anyone in this situation) have a MH and/or a drug misuse issue there is never any shame in that, but if you don't own the problem and the effect it has on those close to you, then those people deserve to put themselves first because you aren't going to.

If your partner leaves you and your kids hate you and you're still bleating excuses about your background making you act that way - then that's just your way of saying your issues are more important than theirs.

If her partner had apologised for the effect it had, sought counselling and THEN said his poor behaviour was related to severe trauma in his past we would all be very sympathetic and given the OP's own background she's likely to have understood.

IronNeonClasp Fri 26-May-17 13:12:59

OP. I gave my ex-DH an ultimatum in October. Give it up or leave. He moved out earlier this month.

Unfortunately my DC will still see it. I don't actually have a problem with it recreationally but I do with it being rolled in front of my kids. And everything ended as our relationship broke down - the social anxiety- wouldn't come anywhere with me, take me out. Sex completely broke down. It's really, really sad. I wish you all the luck in the world flowers

TuppenceForYou Fri 26-May-17 13:31:39

at a party, occasionally, i have no problem with weed.

but honestly men smoking it all the time - I think what a waste of space. And I'm sorry, but they usually are sad. They lose all drive, and most of them become complete drips. They can't develop emotionally and they are the same at 37 as they were at 27 as they were at 17, I believe because the weed creates a chemical bubble around them so they never have to face reality. Thats when you say OP he's never lived in the real world since he was 18 you are absolutely right.

If you remain angry with him you are still involved in the emotional struggle, one he doesn't give two figs for, by the way. Don't waste your energy, just get away from him.

Good luck.

Adora10 Fri 26-May-17 13:51:47

Sorry but I know a few men personally who smoke it every day and they are fully functioning and efficient; they don't walk about like zombies and you'd never know so I don't buy into the `waste of space`. Weed is like any addiction, like alcohol, it's just not as socially accepted.

Either way, he needs to at least try giving it up; maybe if you give him an ultimatum he might get a light bulb moment but he's not doing it to get at you; he feels he needs it, simple as that.

Mindprowlxr Mon 12-Jun-17 18:28:33

Hi, im quite new here and im sorry to hear that there are many of us here facing the same problems :/ i have the same situation but i feel more stuck then some.

Im married to my husband of 3 years and we have a 3 year old girl tgthr. We live with his parents and my family isnt of much help so theres no whereelse i could go if i were to leave him. He is addicted to some non class A drugs but still drugs nonetheless and he has been in the hospital before due to this but keeps coming back. He has also been in prison due to drugs and came out clean before i met him. I constantly give my support to help him get through the addiction but he always cast my feelings aside and doesnt seem to care that his daughter sees all this and understands altho i know he loves her too. We have fought countless of times due to me finding out the things he uses and the instruments i find in his room. And time and time again he gets away with me giving him chances and him giving me empty promises of change. I want to walk away because i feel i deserve more. He has a hard time finding a job but i have a steady full time job. he doesnt ask me for money but he does ask from his parents. Im ashamed to know he does that. I am financially independent but its not enough to go on my own. If i were to leave him, i risk losing my daughter too as his parents are taking good care of her and i since im working a full day job i wont be able to leave and still take care of her too. So if i leave i will lose my daughter but if i stay i will lose my mind. I am just very very stuck here. 😔

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