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DH made a financial decision without me

(49 Posts)
Raisinsaretoddlercrack Thu 25-May-17 20:17:24

Our 2nd family runaround car was written off by an uninsured driver. We agreed to sit down and discuss claiming on the insurance Vs not claiming and taking on debt to replace the car or getting a salary sacrifice scheme rented car through work. I was leaning towards claiming and, he was leaning towards not claiming, but no decision was made and he promised to wait until we had an offer from the insurance company before sitting down and looking at our options.

Today DH went to a friends house and took the decision to go out and buy a new car with his friend knowing full well I wouldn't be happy. We are not a family that can easily afford to just go and buy a car - we budget fairly tightly due to having two young DDs in nursery.

We have (had?!) a marriage where we share bank accounts and finances completely and we have never taken decisions like this without discussing them fully with eachother. Often I have taken the lead financially (eg looking into mortgages, sorting monthly incomings/outgoings etc ) as I tend to have a better head for figures, but everything has always been discussed and agreed. I'm realing now that he had gone and done this. I feel betrayed and like the trust has been damaged, I'm shaking right now I am so so angry.

He had made some half arsed agreement with his friend over lending the money - nothing in writing, no repayment plan agreed. I barely know this friend and whilst he comes across as nice I thinks is really odd that he is taking such an interest in our family. He has been very insistent in getting my DH to accept this loan and at one point was saying it was a gift. I feel very uneasy about the whole thing and have made this clear to my DH but he chose to ignore this. I keep hearing that "Mark" (not his real name) thinks claiming will effect our insurance premiums too much, Mark says DH will have to start again with his no claims, Mark's feelings will be hurt if I don't accept this gift/loan, Mark doesn't want us to be without a car, Mark doesn't want us to line the pockets of the insurance company. Who the fuck is Mark, and why do his opinions matter more than mine?! I am blaming my DH here not Mark, but AIBU to feel a bit weird about Mark's sudden influence on my DH?

DH accepts that I have a right to get angry but says I just have to get over it. It was the "best decision for our family" (irrelevent) and as the policy was in his name it was his decision. My argument is that it effects the family's finances for the next 2 years or so therfore a family decision.

I know compared to some this is a minor problem but it has massively shocked me as we don't have the sort of marriage where we break promises and go behind eachother backs. I feel so angry and betrayed. I have no idea where to go from here sad

Raisinsaretoddlercrack Thu 25-May-17 20:18:51

Ps I am working nights so if I don't reply quickly I am not being rude/ungrateful for responses!

user1488408666 Thu 25-May-17 20:26:02

I went ahead and used a solicitor that we users for a mortgage to sort out a will. I didn't discuss it with my wife and she was livid as we probably could have saved money going with a different firm.
At the time I was annoyed as she is not good at getting organised whereas I am so I just thought "sod it. I am going to grab the bull by the horns".
However looking back she was right and I should have discussed it better with her.
It's the first and only time I have done that with any financial commitment. At the time I thought i was doing the right thing.

I guess a will is a bit different to a car.
Just tell him how upset you are.

I really didn't y understand why my wife was pissed until she sat me down and said she felt I went behind her back (when that really wasn't the intention).

Just a bloke's perspective.

Raisinsaretoddlercrack Thu 25-May-17 20:41:03

Thank you for your thoughts user. I think in your situation you were less to blame than my DH as he knew I was not happy with the arrangement but went ahead anyway whereas you took a decision quickly without discussing it - not great but not as bad as deliberately doing something you know for certain your partner would be unhappy with.

category12 Thu 25-May-17 20:46:26

it's very odd, isn't it?

Raisinsaretoddlercrack Thu 25-May-17 21:08:13

Yes it's odd! Would anyone else feel comfortable taking a gift of £1000 from someone they have met twice?

HandbagCrazy Thu 25-May-17 21:14:37

I would be very uncomfortable about 'Mark' and absolutely furious with DH if I were you.

I think you need a discussion with your DH where you simply ask him why he did this? Why is Mark so keen to lend you money? And why does your DH respect you so little that he did this behind your back?
I also think I would be pointing out that he is right, he can chose to do what he likes about his insurance, but it is making you consider how your marriage and finances work and that actually, you're not under any obligations to 'get over it.'
I am angry on your behalf

Aquamarine1029 Thu 25-May-17 21:29:56

My head would explode if my DH did this! And who the fuck is this Mark person?? This part of it would worry me just as much because it's just so bizarre. Why on earth is he so involved, why is your husband listening to HIM and not you, and why would you give a basic stranger so much money?!?!

category12 Thu 25-May-17 21:36:21

Is he your DH's boyf?

pinkandstripey Thu 25-May-17 22:27:12

Have you met Mark? Is mark actually Maria?

Raisinsaretoddlercrack Thu 25-May-17 23:39:08

To answer a few questions; Mark is a work colleague of DHs that he has developed a friendship with so whilst he is a stranger to me he isn't to my DH. He definately exists as I have met him twice. He seems nice and I am happy DH has a good friend but this is overstepping the mark and making me feel weird.

He is definately a male and DH is definately not gay. Although I take the point about him being his "bf" as making a decision with him over something like this is really odd. I have pointed this out.

I'm glad others can see why I am so furious. It helps to know I am not over reacting. To me he was deliberately dishonest by going behind my back which was disrespectful and has broken my trust.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 26-May-17 00:00:41

You are not overreacting. You have every right to be furious. Your husband has completely disrespected you. If the shoe were in the other foot, I'm sure your husband would be livid. Perhaps you should remind him of that fact.

Qvar Fri 26-May-17 00:08:04

Mark works for Provident.

Qvar Fri 26-May-17 00:09:19

This is something my ex did to me all the time, made big purchases and claimed his friend had given/lent him the money. His 'friend' was a provident loan agent

Raisinsaretoddlercrack Fri 26-May-17 00:27:02

I have reminded him of that and he agreed that he would be livid if i had done the same to him and that it was wrong. He kept apologising and trying to hug me but I get the feeling he isn't sorry - he would do it again if he could wind back time to get his own way. He also seems to think that whilst he understands why I am upset, I am also overreacting and being ridiculous.

It makes me so cross to think of them both discussing and planning to go behind my back angry it also feels like there is a third person in our relationship.

Raisinsaretoddlercrack Fri 26-May-17 00:46:16

Mark has definitely both given and lent money. I know this because mark originally rang me and offered it to me and I thanked him and refused. The stupid thing is we have really good credit rating and could have got credit easily if that's what we decided to do once we'd looked at the options.

On my DH's part I believe this is nothing more sinister than him not being prepared to wait to look at the options and taking the easy option without discussing it because he knew I would object. Which is bad enough tbh.

What I can't work out is why Mark wants to give/lend us all this money. I wouldn't even borrow that much from my mum. DH can't see how weird it is.

MyheartbelongstoG Fri 26-May-17 00:59:59

Whilst I agree he should of discussed this with you, Mark has a point. The car isn't worth that much and your premiums could go through the roof.

MyheartbelongstoG Fri 26-May-17 01:02:14

I also don't think it's weird. You just think it is because he's a stranger to you. Maybe your dh does helps him in work.

I would genuinely help someone if I could.

Naicehamshop Fri 26-May-17 07:09:43

Does your dh have form for this sort of behaviour? I would be livid if I were you. Can you pull out of the deal?

The most worrying thing is that he doesn't seem to understand your anger... what's to stop him from doing it again? sad

DarkFloodRises Fri 26-May-17 07:33:21

You are not over reacting at all! I would be furious about this. Not so much about the Mark thing as just because DH ignored my opinion and seems to think that him apologising makes up for this.

Bananamanfan Fri 26-May-17 07:58:16

Mark definitely has an agenda of some kind. Was your dh going through a slightly vulnerable phase when they met? Dh has/had a friend like this for years. They'd met at school when dh was shy & struggling & the friend saw himself as a bit of a gangsta mentor. He would constantly encourage dh & other friends to assert their dominance over their partners & invite them out to "boys only" events (where friend's GF would attend, so that they could appreciate her beauty away from the censure of their partnersgrin) He has fallen by the wayside now, but he was quite a feature for about 10 years!

SandyY2K Fri 26-May-17 08:00:29

As you normally operate as a joint entity, I can understand why you feel this way.

DH and I own our own cars and make the decisions regarding them independently.

We have certain things we pay for in the household, but after that, we spend the money we earn as we please.

DH is much better with all the switching and saving mortgages and utilities, so he just gets on with it.

The issue here is he knows that you both discuss things and decided to unilaterally take on a loan you can't afford.

Has he actually bought the car yet?

If not he can return the money, because it sounds like his friend being offended, is more important than you being upset.

I'll tell you something I told my Dsis in a similar situation. Her DH initially bought a bed for them without consulting her. Then he bought a dining table. She expressed her upset about the but I don't believe she was strong enough about it.

Next few years, there is a knock on the door and it's a new sofa being delivered.

She was furious. I told her it's because she didn't make clear and he didn't face any major consequences following the other things.

I advised her to be firm this time and a few other things I won't say here.

I told her a few days of her in a bad mood wasn't enough.

In the end he sold the chairs and because he couldn't take being ignored by her and their DC.

I told her that her DC would see her as weak and as having no say, if she didn't stand firm on this. They were younger when he did the other things, but I told her, this was a bad example to them.

She act told me that had she not followed my advice, she would have let it go a lot sooner.

Had she done this to begin with, he wouldn't have done this again.

I personally said that if my DH bought a bed without me getting to express my view on it, he would not be getting any sex from me and that would be enough to get him to get rid of it.

Raisinsaretoddlercrack Fri 26-May-17 17:43:11

No DH doesn't have form for this kind of thing. Normally we discuss things and make decisions together. Occasionally we disagree but always find a compromise. In 10 years of being together he has only ever done this once and it was fairly recently and Mark was involved.

We can't really pull out of the deal because I believe the car has been paid for. I don't know much about the details as I was so angry last night I didn't want to hear it and I have been working nights so asleep today.

DH wasn't vulnerable when he met Mark. It was probably the opposite as Mark is quiet and keeps to himself a lot in group environments. DH made a lot of effort with him and is the more confident of the two they do seem to be good friends. DH has always been very up to date with his thinking when it comes to male/female roles. He is good at sharing household jobs, unphased by traditional role reversal, respectful of women etc but I feel that he seems to be slightly slipping from that position? He's said a couple of things that don't sound like him so I wonder if maybe this is Marks influence.

Ellisandra Fri 26-May-17 18:16:21

Who is the car for?
If it was for me, I'd keep very quiet.
Then sell the fucking thing, pay off Mark, and save/get credit/make a claim and do what I wanted.
And if my "partner" complained I hadn't discussed it, I'd give him an icy state until the penny dropped.

As you say Mark is the less confident of the two, I even wonder now if he's trying to buy your husband's friendship - in which case your husband is taking advantage of that, which makes it worse.

I would be FUMING.

Raisinsaretoddlercrack Fri 26-May-17 18:43:02

The car is a family car. The second runaround. It will be registered to him and our 1st car is registered to me (worked out cheaper on insurance) but they are shared so I can't really take up the suggestion of selling it!

Yes I think that there is possibly an element of buying friendship which Mark doesn't need to do as DH is a very loyal person that tends to make good quality lasting friendships. I have pointed this out to DH before and he got incredibly offended that I was implying he was using him. I still feel uncomfortable about it all though.

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