Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How to encourage shy adult DS

(13 Posts)
Aggieisback1 Thu 25-May-17 14:21:32

My DS is late 20s. He was exceptionally shy growing up and some of it has lingered. To cut a long story short although he lives abroad we talk from time to time on the phone. I had assumed he had had romantic relationships just nothing which lasted long enough to be introduced to on a visit home. He said recently he didn't think he would ever meet anyone and it made me sad. I just don't know what to say, or do. I'd be very surprised if he wasn't able to meet anyone but in his head he sees things differently.

Reow Thu 25-May-17 14:27:44

Online dating!

I have already been very socially awkward. I thought I would be alone forever.

Then I joined an OLD site, and found my equally socially awkward DP! We've been together nearly 7 years now.

OK Cupid seems to be the best for introverts/geeks/alternative personalities. I tried loads of sites before that one, and finally found people like me.

Reow Thu 25-May-17 14:28:19

*always, not already. I'm even socially weird typing.

Aggieisback1 Thu 25-May-17 14:50:19

Yes it crossed my mind. No offence at all to you or your partner but I wouldn't describe him as in any way socially awkward, he just has low self esteem and little confidence in this area of his life. I think perhaps what puts him off OLD is he lives in a different country and although most people speak English there and he does speak some of the local language maybe he thinks his foreignness might go against him. It's hard really as I think he doesn't seem himself the way others do.

pudding21 Thu 25-May-17 15:02:27

I live overseas and if anything being a foreigner to most people is an attraction and people tend to be intrigued. Tinder is in most countries, encourage him to give it a go smile

Seeline Thu 25-May-17 15:04:41

Does he have any hobbies/interests where he could join a local group or something?
Music
Sport etc
Volunteering?

Aggieisback1 Thu 25-May-17 15:16:48

Re interests sadly I think the job's long hours preclude quite a lot of stuff. He goes to the gym and socialises with colleagues sometimes I think. He's good looking (I know I'm biased but..) has a good job nice friends and a really lovely caring personality so I find it genuinely very hard to work put why he thinks he has nothing to offer. I suppose being on his own for so long makes him think he's not attractive or good enough which is just so wrong

Northernparent68 Thu 25-May-17 17:06:11

I'd encourage him in a sport as that will improve his confidence, but I would not get over involved in his dating life, leave him to it. It could be he doesn't want a relationship

ravenmum Thu 25-May-17 19:34:09

Sounds like he could do with some counselling. Do you think he could also be depressed? If so he would likely need to start with his GP. I wish I'd gone down that path at his age or earlier; I just about managed without but my self-esteem issues were still there in the background. Had counselling and a course of ADs at 45 and it really helped clear up some old issues. Just experiencing confidence due to ADs "proved" it to me that my low self-esteem was really in my head and not due to me being a bit shit.

I also live abroad - like someone else said, it can make you exotic, which can be a good thing, but you do have to have an extremely high level of language skills or confidence not to (at least sometimes) come across as a bit boring, weird or stupid in a foreign language.

Getting help from his mum could make him feel even more of a loser; be careful how you word your advice ... maybe mention some of your own problems at the same time, for example...

Aggieisback1 Fri 26-May-17 15:44:54

I had been thinking that depression was possibly behind the low self esteem, yes.

Reow Fri 26-May-17 16:47:49

May we ask which country OP?

Book clubs, pub quiz teams and gaming groups are often advertising online if that helps. Or a language class to meet others in similar positions?

I've found yoga to be very good for self esteem.

Aggieisback1 Sat 27-May-17 02:53:21

He is in The Netherlands. He likes it there and has made friends and so on. Mostly other expats I think. Seems to be a confidence issue.

ravenmum Sat 27-May-17 09:40:46

One problem if you do mainly stay with other expats is that people often only stay for a short time, so your friend group changes constantly. That would also be a problem if you needed a while to get used to people for a relationship to develop.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now