Felt awkward on date with long term boyfriend!?

[Mashy86]

Hi all,

just wanted to vent something and see if anyone else has ever experienced this? I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, we have our ups and downs like any couple ... but in general it is a good relationship.
One thing that I have learnt about myself in it though is that I do feel insecure quite often.. which, I think is a shame. I feel like sometimes I am not smart, or interesting enough for him, even though I know I am smart and interesting deep down... I don't just feel like that with him unfortunately. but he brings it out of me the most as this is my most close relationship.

Recently we spent 8 days apart due to other commitments and met up for a date night, last night. I guess I expected it to be lovely and exciting but the vibe was just not quite right. At times it felt pretty awkward and like we had nothing to say to each other, and I felt that the atmosphere of the evening was not relaxed - my boyfriend rushed us a little through dinner and I felt that it was because he was bored, and it put me on edge a little. We just weren't engaging and I felt awkward.
I did feel like I wasn't interesting or smart enough for him ... or he was not having a fun time with me. To be honest I feel like we both felt awkward and I just dont know why it happened. I don't like it, its a big deal to me even though I am sure it wouldn't be to most people.

I guess I just felt uninteresting and stupid and then didn't have anything else to say to him after that. and he didn't seem to have much to say to me either which only reaffirmed my worries. I am just wondering - after 2 years or so with someone, and then a good week apart doing separate things, what does one do when they end up feeling like that?

thank you!

[ImperialBlether]

In the intervening week, did you feel you'd engaged with other friends that you were with? It might be just that you two have outgrown your relationship.

[HildaOg]

If you can't communicate and have nothing to say to each other then you're not compatible and it's time to move on.

[Mashy86]

I don't think that its that extreme, it was a one off awkwardness. I guess if it happens more than once I could potentially think about the fact that something is a miss.

[Joysmum]

Something is amiss as because there was issues on the night and continue to be because you still can't talk to him about it and don't see your own self worth when you are with him. That's no way to live.

Talk to him.

[gamerchick]

You're very down on yourself OP, yoir bloke doesn't sound as if he put the effort in to put you at ease. Maybe he thinks he's not good enough for you.

Or maybe he's just not the right person for you.

[DarkFloodRises]

I think this is totally normal! You're apart for a week, you're really looking forward to an evening together and somehow it falls a bit flat and doesn't go as well as you hoped. Maybe one of you was feeling tired / stressed / distracted by something.

Surprised by the replies indicating it's something serious

It does sound as if you would benefit from working on your self esteem though OP.

[Badliar]

Sometimes it's just the way two people connect. I think some people bring out the best in you and some people don't. I know what you mean as I had an exh who made me feel like that and acted bored in my company if it was just the two of us whereas I know other people appreciate my company. You need someone who makes you feel sparky and alive.

[caffelatte100]

Yes normal, every relationship has its ebbs and flows...

[Ratatatouille]

Sometimes I think when you build something up in your head - like in this instance, maybe expecting a big romantic reunion after time apart - it can be an anticlimax and then the disappointment can make it feel like a bigger issue than it is.

DH and I have been together donkeys years. We're right in the midst of baby central at the moment so things are busy, but before we had DC we've definitely had times where we both agreed we felt we weren't "clicking" like normal. Not that we were arguing or unhappy, just a feeling that we weren't in sync. It happened to us a few times over the years. My advice would be to talk about it and agree to both make an effort to spend time together just being a couple. No big exciting plans. No pressure. Just a day walking round a big park or having a lazy day watching movies at home. Just something very simple to try and reconnect.

Of course, if you feel unable to talk to him then you have other problems to address. Likewise, if you feel a permanent disconnect from him then it's time to re-evaluate the relationship.

[SorrelSoup]

I think you just too much pressure on yourself to "have fun" and "be romantic". You need to address your issues though. Why are you not equals? Why do you have low self-esteem?

[TheStoic]

If you feel that you're not interesting and witty enough for him, that is definitely going to come across. Things therefore can't help but feel a bit awkward.

[user1491572121]

I remember a time like this with both my exes. I've never had one like it with my DH though.

I do think it's a sign that there's some incompatibility. People may say "Oh that's normal"

It's not ABnormal but it's not ideal.

You don't need to be salivating over one another or roaring with laughter but you should feel comfortable with someone.

[TheNaze73]

Think you've built this up to much in your head & got carried away with yourself.
Take a step back, breath & take each date as it comes. Focus on enjoying it & don't force anything that isn't there

[user1486956786]

It's very normal. Maybe him (or you without realising) were tired or stressed. Me and my partner have nights where we just cannot get on or don't have much to chat about. But plenty of great nights too. (More good than bad!)

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

I think the general feeling of 'not being good enough, funny enough or clever enough' is colouring your behaviour.

When I don't see my DP for a week or two, I also feel a bit shy and he jokingly reminds me "I'm xx, I'm your boyfriend, nice to meet you" as he knows it takes me a while to warm up again. We are very touch-y feel-y when we're together and when that is absent, even though we talk and text every day, it can feel a bit strange when we meet up next.

Did you keep in contact, Skype etc while you were apart in the week? Did he tell you he missed you or was looking forward to seeing you? Did you spend any time hugging and kissing before your dinner date or did you meet up at the restaurant? I'd find that a bit odd I think - I need a bit of private time first to re-establish the bond. It would bother me when our first meet up after two weeks would include his family, as I want a little bit of me 'n' him time first!

I don't think the odd quiet evening is the issue here, I think it's how you feel (or how he makes you feel) all the time that's the problem. I know I'm clever but I never felt pretty or funny until I met DP, who goes to great lengths to make me feel more confident, special and appreciated. That's what a good partnership is - if he has tried to make you feel better about yourself then maybe some counselling would help. Focussing on yourself as the most important person in your life can be very beneficial.

[loababy]

Maybe because you'd been away from each other you both felt under pressure to make it a big reunion date when actually you've probably spoken to each other lots within that time?

[tiba]

Sometimes when I hadnt seen my BF for a while I felt a little bit bit out of touch with him.

Other times when I hadnt seen him in a while I was really exciting and couldnt wait to see him again.

I think it sometimes depended on what type of week we had had, and whether we were tired or stressed at the time.

[Theycalledmethewildrose]

If its a one off, don't dwell on it. When I was dating DH, I remember sitting in a restaurant beside another table where the couple literally didn't say more than two words to one another. They didn't look like they were arguing, just that they were totally content to sit in silence. I think the issue isn't that you didn't speak much, it is how you felt and imo you put some sort of pressure on yourself to have an amazing night after a short break of seeing each other.

If it happens more than a couple of times, then perhaps revise the relationship but for a one off, then I'd just forget about it. In the meantime, I'd try to think more positively about yourself. You really should not think anyone would think you are dull, but more importantly you should not think that about yourself.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

'Date night' wouldn't be my preference after time apart. I far prefer a night in.

😂 Yes, for the obvious! But also because I prefer to adjust to being 'us' again at home, in comfy clothes, with our stuff around us etc. Things to talk about. I find restaurants a bit stifling.

[Jaxhog]

Maybe he had a bad day, or got some bad news or was tired. As several people have said, if it's a one off, don't dwell on it.

[FinallyHere]

My first thought was that it happens, its just normal. Usually we have lots to catch up on when we get back together but sometimes. What i find works for me, is to ask questions like 'how did x go' or whatever you remember about what they were doing. It usually gets me back in the swing and the conversation bubbles up from there.

If it doesn't, then maybe its time to think about what you are getting out of the relationship. All the best.

[KitKat1985]

If it's just a one-off I wouldn't put too much thought into it. Sometimes we build events or nights out up in our head so much that the reality doesn't live up to expectations. If it's a regular thing though that you are meeting up and not finding anything to talk about, then maybe you've grown apart.

[Emboo19]

I agree with Annie when my boyfriends been working away, neither of us want to be going out when he's first home.

I wonder if you've just put too much pressure on yourself, if it's a one off I wouldn't worry.
The most concerning part is that you feel you're not interesting or smart enough. Does he do anything to make you feel that way or is it just your opinion of yourself?

[ZiggyForever]

I know how you feel, Mashy - I'm often plagued with insecurities myself. But, remember it's a two-way street. Was he interesting and amusing? Did you enjoy his company? It's not just about whether you're interesting/smart/good enough for him, it's also about whether he is all those things for you, if he is the right person for you, and what you bring to each others' lives.

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

I've only been with my boyfriend for 7 months. We usually see each other twice a week but sometimes can have breaks of up to two weeks due to work or other things going on.
I agree with others that sometimes after a break, things can feel a bit off, even if you are both really excited to see each other. It can take me a while to "warm up" sometimes and I feel a bit flat and distant. But always by the end of the date the intimacy has returned and we're fine.
I'm quite an anxious person and this used to really bother me as I'd convince myself that I'd gone off him, he'd gone off me, we were compatible etc and worrying about it would make it worse. Any silence would feel like we'd run out of things to say instead of a natural lull in conversation etc. And I'm sure my boyfriend would pick up on that and feel on edge too.
Now I understand that it's just that sometimes we need a bit of time to readjust and it's much better if I just relax and go with it.

How did you end the date with your boyfriend? How did you feel afterwards? Have you seen him since?