Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Hand hold while I try and end this? (Again)

(43 Posts)
Yellowbag Thu 25-May-17 05:11:28

Just posting to get it all down really, discovered DH affair some months ago, gave him another chance, he revealed all, promised it was a massive mistake and he'd ended it... ups and downs since we started again but he seemed to be on the right page. Just checking his phone records to make sure, as he's not been as open with his phone as I'd like (difficult habit to crack apparently hmm ) noticed a different number, called a lot, I thought sod it and just called it to see who answered, of course it was ow, (on a different number from last time) though she didn't want to admit who she was. He's been calling her the whole time we've been 'working on our marriage' probably meeting her too. I can't think of any other explanation. He's not just an idiot who made a mistake, he's a cold hearted psycho. He knows I know. He's trying to gaslight, bluff, minimise, blame me for ruining it when he was 'trying so hard' I have to divorce him asap, I'm so tired, I'm so scared, I can't believe I'm here again, even though part of me was pretty sure I would be.
And a little extra background, with the affair (of approx 1-2 years probably) came the abusive behaviour towards me, verbal, emotional. And lots and lots of gaslighting about the affair. So I'm really scared about the future and how best to protect my kids. And I'm so confused and freaked out by this weird game they are playing with me, she denied any affair completely on the phone, even though he's already admitted it happened. They deserve each other with their lies.

DanielCraigsUnderpants Thu 25-May-17 09:12:56

Consider your hand being firmly held. Will you ask him to leave?

You're doing the right thing.

Yellowbag Thu 25-May-17 09:24:40

Thank you, he's away for work, so it's a case of coming back to get his stuff. He's totally minimising, saying he was just tying up loose ends of the relationship with herhmm. He told me he had no reason for contact, had deleted her etc, so he's still being dishonest. I can't get my head round it.

TheNaze73 Thu 25-May-17 10:02:53

Just stay strong & end it.

He's sticking two fingers up at you & your relationship. If that isn't enough motivation, nothing will be. Good luck

Rainbowqueeen Thu 25-May-17 10:11:47

Imagine your life without him. Less stress, no head fucks
You can do this
Sit down and start a list. Finances and a solicitor should be top. Womens aid can help, please call them
Wishing you well

Yellowbag Thu 25-May-17 11:07:19

Thank you all, I need some sleep before I can tackle anything, I've caught the kids cold so I really needed last nights sleep which was lost to adrenaline, I'm kicking myself now for not holding off with it for a few more days until I had more strength. I have all the important papers out of the way and a bag packed in case. But my brain won't admit it's happening yet.

DanielCraigsUnderpants Thu 25-May-17 11:34:19

You did it at the right time, imagine having to pretend everything was ok when it wasnt. Rest as much as you can and if there is anyone in real like who can support you, lean on them.

ImperialBlether Thu 25-May-17 11:37:20

I'm so sorry; it's a horrible situation to be in.

I imagine he doesn't want to live with her, so that's why he's minimising in case he's forced into that. When I told my ex, "Your dreams have come true - you can go and live with X" he nearly wet himself with fright.

Yellowbag Thu 25-May-17 12:18:04

Imperial grin

I guess it's literally he wants his cake... I'm just totally mind blown that he didn't get the message last time. All the agony and talking and emotion, how did he just slip back into the relationship so quickly?!
He's just called as he can't concentrate at work (my fault) and needs me to know there is NOTHING between him and her anymore, the daily calls are just winding down the relationship and wishing each other well hmm

Neutrogena Thu 25-May-17 12:36:21

He hasn't been honest with you.
If that makes you want to end the relationship, then do it.
If you want to stay with him for the children, then accept it and move on.

Either way, you have full support of whatever you decide. There is no right or wrong choice.

TheStoic Thu 25-May-17 12:45:09

You poor thing. :-(

You need to consider him as dangerous to you - because he is. He is dangerous to your mental health. Protect yourself like you would protect your children from someone dangerous.

No contact unless it's about separation plans.

MrsChopper Thu 25-May-17 12:50:38

Just here to offer a handhold!

Agree with pp, don't bother talking to him unless it's to arrange for him to get his stuff.

MissCookiee Thu 25-May-17 12:51:24

Hand hold for you ❤️

HappyJanuary Thu 25-May-17 12:55:49

I could have written this op. It is heartbreaking and terrifying. I am two years down the line and feel so much better for ending it. You have some tough times ahead but one day you'll look back and be proud of how much you've accomplished. It's a cliche, but you really truly are better off without him.

emma8t4 Thu 25-May-17 13:02:56

He's just called as he can't concentrate at work (my fault) and needs me to know there is NOTHING between him and her anymore, the daily calls are just winding down the relationship and wishing each other well

Even if this was the case and it had ended, by doing the above he is still prioritising the OW feelings above yours which is totally out of order and not the actions of someone wanting to rebuild his relationship.

magoria Thu 25-May-17 13:02:58

Even if his complete bull shit about winding down their relationship excuse is true it means he is putting her and her feelings over yours.

No one contacts another person that much to end a relationship.

You deserve better.

TheFaerieQueene Thu 25-May-17 13:05:51

He can't respect you at all if he thinks you will believe the winding down bullshit.

isitjustme2017 Thu 25-May-17 13:06:17

I am also here for a hand hold! The guy is a complete lying loser and you are so right to get rid of him. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'honesty' and after this, you can't possibly ever trust him.
For him to carry on denying things is just insulting to your intelligence.
Look forward to your life without him. You deserve so much better. flowers

Adora10 Thu 25-May-17 13:52:40

Hand hold but also big girl pants on now; he's continuing to take the complete piss so it's about time you called an end to this farce, this is not a relationship, there is no trust or kindness here; as has been said, you need to start seeing him as the enemy because what he has done and is continuing to do to you are not the actions of a committed person; he wants to keep you home whilst he shags around behind your back, no matter how much he minimises.

And this was not a mistake, please do not swallow that BS, he's been doing it for at least 2 years, nobody can call that a mistake.

Yellowbag Thu 25-May-17 14:58:11

You're right, I need to be brave and strong. There's definitely no option for another chance now, I laid my cards on the line when I took him back, he's disregarded that by speaking to her, and more than likely doing more than that sad If I take him back again I would be accepting this revolting behaviour in my marriage, and no way can I do that. Seems he has no intention of giving up ow. Just gutted that a man like this is the father of my children.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 25-May-17 15:27:05

Daily phone call to wind down a relationship?
What a crock of total shit!!!!
He calls her once. 'It's over. I'm working on my relationship now and won't be in contact again'
Job done!
He's a lying cheating asshole.
Stay strong OP.
Similar has happened to me recently.
We are no longer together.

Yellowbag Thu 25-May-17 18:08:16

Ok I've called bullshit on his minimising attempt, and said goodbye. Now my heart is breaking

isitjustme2017 Thu 25-May-17 18:09:46

Well done OP! It must have been so hard but you're doing this for you and your DC. How did he take it? I assume he tried to worm his way out of it again? Sending you big hugs.

MrsChopper Thu 25-May-17 19:10:25

flowers

rosetintedbex Thu 25-May-17 19:16:16

I am currently in a very similar situation to you OP, though luckily no marriage or children to consider.
I too feel like I've been conditioned to meet his needs before my own and compromised parts of myself I know I shouldn't have. He cheated recently and briefly, kissing only he says (!) and still has contact with the OW, though he knows I strongly object. We've been together and lived together for 5 years and though I know I need to go, I'm just finding it so hard to make the break and clinging to the less than happy familiarity, but like you, starting to doubt myself. I know it's my trampled self esteem, but I can't seem to put myself first.
Not advice I know, usually I'm full of it, as solving other people's problems are of course much easier than facing our own, but a whole heap of sympathy and a hand hold all the same.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now