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Anyone up? Found messages on DP's phone.

(52 Posts)
Whambulance Thu 25-May-17 01:27:04

I'm not proud of myself but I went through his phone (he's asleep).

Before we moved in together, he got cold feet and had messaged another girl who he had been talking to before we got serious but never met. He admitted all to me and we moved on. This was about eight months ago.

At the weekend, I could see he was messaging someone on facebook and asked who she was. He said he didn't know her and that she had just added him and started messaging but I could tell from the way their conversation read that he wasn't being honest.

Turns out he found her on POF, messaged her first and they had a brief conversation -he told her she was very pretty - before he requested her facebook details. He added her and initiated the conversation on messenger too.

There were two other conversations on POF that he initiated recently. In one of them the girl he messaged is talking about her son who is the same age as mine, yet he makes no mention of living with my son (not his) who is the same age.

Conversations are innocent enough, general chatting and apart fom the comment about one girl being pretty, not filrty at all. But why is he on a dating site, which still says he is single on his profile, initiating conversations?

The first two girls don't even live remotely near us so I doubt he's intending on meeting up and actually acting on anything. The third girl (with the son) stays a bit closer.

Wtf do I do now?

NotISaidTheWalrus Thu 25-May-17 01:30:25

But why is he on a dating site, which still says he is single on his profile, initiating conversations?

I think you know why. There is only one reason.

Are you only together 8 months?

sashh Thu 25-May-17 01:34:20

I agree with previous poster, only one reason

Whambulance Thu 25-May-17 01:34:52

We've lived together 8 months, started seeing each other in 2015.

If he's looking to cheat, why is he contacting people hundreds of miles away? He doesn't ever work away or have any reason to travel without me, so I can't imagine he's trying to pursue anything in r/l. Is it just the attention?

rockabillyruby82 Thu 25-May-17 01:41:48

Sounds to me like he's bored, which definitely doesn't justify it!
What has your relationship been like before and after your move?
Not sure how you can broach the subject as you really shouldn't have looked at his phone.

HildaOg Thu 25-May-17 01:50:08

He likes the thrill of female attention. He will cheat on you physically when the opportunity arises. Men like this always do. All that's required is an attractive female prepared to ego massage.

toffeeboffin Thu 25-May-17 01:51:40

In a nutshell you need to get rid, now.

DarthMaiden Thu 25-May-17 01:54:03

You posted for a reason.

It's to confirm what you already think.

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 25-May-17 01:58:38

One Foot Out Of The Door Syndrome.

Basically a comittmentphobe who has comitted (ish) but has convinced himself that he hasnt really. So he does this shit to prove that he isnt tied down. He will also avoid marriage at all costs, and probably any financial entanglement too such as a shared mortgage.

This sort of man views any normal expectations of an exclusive relationship to be unreasonable and will leave eventually. Dont wait. Get rid now.

user1486956786 Thu 25-May-17 01:59:55

Even if not planning on physically cheating... why is he even interested in chatting to new females online? 2 / 3 years in and already needing attention?

SongBirdsKeepSinging Thu 25-May-17 02:00:19

Dh did this to me 3 years ago now. He didn't add any on facebook but I caught him sending intimate pictures. I confronted him he denied it so I showed him what I'd found at that point. He went to work because I made him. I did more digging on pof on the laptop and found he'd messaged just short of 500 women within a month. It only went back a month and he denied being on there longer than that. They were mostly hundreds of miles away. He had given his phone number to 3 women.

I was devastated. I still am at times because our relationship has changed. We have worked hard to move past it. We're in a really good place but I still have an issue with it because he has never said why he did it. He only ever said he didn't know why.

I'm a very cut and dry person. As soon as I found out I made it clear to him we were over. He did a lot to get another chance and he knows he will not get another. I do trust him now but it has taken a long time to get to this point.

I know none of what I've written will help at all just wanted you to know you aren't alone. I hope you have good support around you to help you.

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 25-May-17 02:17:47

song ime (sadly) extensive experience of stuff like this I think that often its almost interactive porn to them. Its just "words on a screen" so it doesnt count. Again, ime "I dont know why I did it" means "I know why I did it but I will look like an even sadder twat if I tell you".

They often dont see the woman at the other end of the messages as real women, but a fantasy woman who still has that frisson of the unknown in her replies to him.

Pathetic really.

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 25-May-17 02:19:58

And of course they think that because its just words on a screen it isnt cheating. Until their OHs find out, and then they realise that it is.

Thats why I always think that if you are doing something you are not happy to tell your partner about then its cheating, even if you have never even laid eyes on the person involved.

Whambulance Thu 25-May-17 02:22:13

Becoming more serious with our relationship has always been pushed by him though. It was him who asked me to move in with him, he has mentioned marriage and children before those thoughts had even entered my head. If he is afraid of commitment, why do all that?

We've had a couple of bumps in the road where I've told him if he is struggling with the living situation that I'd be ok with him moving back to his old place for some space, and still enjoy our relationship which is generally good.

I couldn't give him more attention if I tried- we have sex frequently, I never turn him down, we are affectionate, we talk, laugh and have fun. We make time to do things we enjoy as a couple, he includes me in all his friendships and involves me in everything. I don't understand it at all, apart from these messages, he doesn't behave like someone who is fed up with me or who has "checked out".

SongBirdsKeepSinging Thu 25-May-17 02:23:13

Completely agree. He said it hadn't occurred to him that it was cheating until he saw how it effected me. Then he was devastated too. I'm glad things worked out for us but he is well aware that anything like that again and there's no coming back from it.

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 25-May-17 02:29:22

I dont think he had checked out.

And I think that he wants those things or rather wants to be the sort of man who wants those things. But when it comes down to doing it, he feels backed into a corner so needs a door to escape through. Even if he never uses it, he needs to know he has that option.

I am living like that. Dont do that to yourself, please x

DarthMaiden Thu 25-May-17 02:32:24

FFS - get rid and be done

Mom2K Thu 25-May-17 02:46:41

Even if it is for attention, do you want to be with someone who needs validation from other women?

It's wrong and so disrespectful to you (and also to the women he is leading on with his 'single' status on a dating site). Disgusting behaviour. My exH did it also, this is why he is an ex. Get rid. Don't even hesitate, for your own self respect, dump immediately and don't waste your life trying to figure out or justify why he's being a selfish pig. He just is, and you deserve better. flowers

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 25-May-17 03:14:59

FFS - get rid and be done

Yeah, because its just that easy.


rockabillyruby82 Thu 25-May-17 05:32:15

OP, next time he is on his phone start the conversation.
Don't tell him you snooped but do say you're concerned and would like validation from him.
Some people will flame me for this but I'd ask to see messages. If he refuses, he has something to hide and I'd confront him on that.
This is how I discovered my EXH affair, he wouldn't show me the messages.

GingerHanna Thu 25-May-17 05:55:54

He wants to be wanted. Hence the push for moving your relationship on - he wants to know you want him.

The 'other women' may be far away but trust me, as another poster said when he gets the chance in person he will take it.

Sorry OP but LTB. sad

LellyMcKelly Thu 25-May-17 06:04:39

It really is that easy. Dump that loser. His loss.

NotYoda Thu 25-May-17 06:10:44

I don't think you'll ever be able to trust him will you?

I am not a person who thinks that anyone anyone is completely trustworthy, but this early in an concrete evidence....

NotYoda Thu 25-May-17 06:10:52


NotYoda Thu 25-May-17 06:12:39

He's not checked out. He just wants more. Flirting with other women pleases him. He's a bit inadequate really (sorry)

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