Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Separating, and chatting with old flame

(27 Posts)
PinkGlitter17 Wed 24-May-17 23:39:20

I have this old flame who was a Friend With Benefits. This was before I even met STBXH. He lives in Switzerland now, and we got back in touch recently on Facebook messenger.
When we were seeing each other, the sex was great. STBXH and I have not had sex in a year, and the spontaneity and lustfulness of the fling I had with FWB is messing with my mind a bit! I want to get on a plane and go over there and jump him. I have been having dreams about it. When I think about it, I get so turned on. On one occasion, he came round to my student house to see me one night, and was so horny that he ripped his shirt in the hurry to get naked. It's a proud memory of mine! And I did really, really like him.

I've told this friend that my marriage is breaking down, and he hasn't replied. He doesn't use Facebook etc much anyway. I just told him by way of conversation, no hidden agenda, just in a 'catching up'/what's new with you' sort of way.

I think the point of my post is to ask whether you think I'm being out-of-order having this little sex fantasy about this old fwb. We might never meet again. I do sometimes feel like I'm hiding a lot of lust behind my platonic chats, but my marriage is over and so I don't feel like it's emotional infidelity.
Or perhaps I'm just v sexually frustrated and thinking back on the ravishing sex.
What do you reckon?

josuk Thu 25-May-17 00:00:22

Sorry about your marriage...
And - there is absolutely no reason to feel bad about your dreams or flirtation!!!
Just means you are still alive.
Go with it and for it.

PinkGlitter17 Thu 25-May-17 00:12:41

I actually feel like I could arrange to meet him so he could, er, do me a little favour.....

There would be nice food and live jazz and wine....wink

josuk Thu 25-May-17 00:28:34

So - what's stoping you????

PinkGlitter17 Thu 25-May-17 00:35:38

Jo!!! I love your encouragement!! I haven't even started flirting with him yet. The last thing I said was that my marriage was in breakdown mode. I don't feel like making my next sentence a flirty one. But I might have a little play with the situation when I've had a reply from him. I mean, the distance is kind of helpful at this stage. It means I might be a little more forward than I might otherwise be, given that we won't be seeing each other in the street
Any time soon.

josuk Fri 26-May-17 20:01:04

Look - it's not that complicated. And doesn't need a lot or strategising.
Either he'll be receptive, or not.
Flirt if you feel like it!!!!
And - if he is not receptive, there will be others.
Once you realised that your sexuality is back with a bang (as it seems to be) AND you are now available - it will be visible to men too.
Exciting times.

BTG3385 Fri 26-May-17 20:59:06

I assume what's stopping her is he hasn't replied!

Maybe he is shagging someone else now too

PinkGlitter17 Fri 26-May-17 23:21:40

I'm overthinking as usual! It's partly to sort of titillate myself (some sort of foreplay!), and partly because, yeah, he hasn't replied. I'm filling the no-reply gap by thinking too much and being too considered about it all.

josuk Sat 27-May-17 00:49:10

My 'what's stoping you' wasn't about practicalities - it was about questioning yourself and your judgement....

Btw - him not replying - maybe because he doesnt understand that you are just looking for - ravishing sex.
Or, he may, indeed, be happily married....

While you are waiting for him - look around!!!! Maybe your eye will catch a more easily accessible object for your lusting!!!

PinkGlitter17 Sat 27-May-17 01:18:21

Well, I know he's not married. He said last year that he was gonna be making more of an effort to find someone. This was all while I was with STBXH, but things are different now.

BTG3385 Sat 27-May-17 07:44:27

He may not be married but he may be with someone.

BTG3385 Sat 27-May-17 07:44:59

If you are ready to get back on the horse so to speak there will be plenty of other willing riders!

TokenGinger Sat 27-May-17 09:13:28

Just to clarify, you're still married, still living with husband, still legally committed?

So yes, you are emotionally cheating, you are considering how great it would be to have an affair, and you are being cruel on your husband.

I have no idea why people cannot just leave a relationship if they're unhappy. That hurts both parties enough. There's no reason to add infidelity in there! It's fucking cruel.

PinkGlitter17 Sat 27-May-17 09:23:54

No, my husband and I are separated. We are under the same roof for now, FWB is in Switzerland, if I start flirting with him then it's not as if I'm going straight over there . Can't just leave DCs anyway.

PinkGlitter17 Thu 01-Jun-17 23:05:38

I've just been chatting online with FWB. It was great, then I alluded to the times we used to have and he didn't respond to my hints. And then made a pretty hasty exit (he's an hour ahead in Switzerland, and has work in the morning). I don't think he's interested at all. And that's fine. Just hope I haven't blown the friendship.

PinkGlitter17 Thu 01-Jun-17 23:22:11

Nah.....I've just read the conversation back, and I think it'll be fine. Hope so.

josuk Fri 02-Jun-17 00:21:11

Hey - don't worry!!!
Hastily exits or not - it's still better to look for FWBs within bus/tube/train distance....
Switzerland is a beautiful country - but a bit far to go every time you feel like....well like you feel now.
😂😂😂😂

He is a man, so if anything you referring to the good times in the past - will only brush his ego. He won't hold it against it.

Good luck, whichever way you take it!!

PinkGlitter17 Fri 02-Jun-17 00:36:54

Jo - your advice is just what I need to hear! I sent a little message blaming wine, saying I'd got a bit flirty and didn't want to mess up our friendship. I haven't actually had any wine, but...
I hope that, yeah, it'll just be an ego-boost to him, no awkward feelings. That's the crap thing about online chatting.
As for the distance, I don't actually have any illusions of anything actually happening, I don't think. I'm just playing with some 'safe' flirting, and the distance is quite convenient really, as much as I would love to get together with him.
I expect he will reply, so I wonder what he'll say. Maybe I care too much. It's partly just because I felt so DESIRED when I was seeing him, and god knows I want to feel desired again.
So confusing and delicious and aching and exciting and tingly.

PinkGlitter17 Fri 02-Jun-17 23:42:08

Jo, you speak the truth. He replied this morning (unusually) and said no worries, he'd just had to get to bed, and that flirting is a nice confidence boost. And that he hoped and trusted that I will find nice people closer to home too.

TOO!!! An invitation, right?

SuiteHarmony Fri 02-Jun-17 23:47:40

No, I would read that as 'I wish you well and I hope you find someone closer to home.' Not as an invitation.

PinkGlitter17 Fri 02-Jun-17 23:59:23

'Invitation' is the wrong word. I'm so all over the place at the moment.

josuk Sat 03-Jun-17 00:14:15

Agree with Suite.
Not much of an invitation.

And - despite being not in a relationship - he probably has some FWB, or something....
Otherwise - he'd have played along and flirted back.

Pink - Given how alive and awoken you are - are you sure you are not ready to 'date'? And by that - i don't mean finding love, or something. And neither do i mean - going to Tinder.
What I mean - is dating and having fun with it.
Like we all used to do when we were young, and before we started dating to find 'the one'????

PinkGlitter17 Sat 03-Jun-17 00:31:50

I just don't feel ready to get out there yet. So much is up in the air, waiting to move out of current home, everything feels so rocky. I'm feeling flirty when online with this guy, and it's 50% 'I'd love to sleep with him again" and 50% feeling like I'm so bloody naive and going to end up looking like a tit. I think I come across as a bit odd on here. It's such a long time since I've felt attractive or worth it or interesting, that I feel like a clumsy teenager about all this stuff. History with this guy, plus the distance, means I'm dipping my toes in the water again and trying to find that part of myself again, without the risk of doing it IRL.
Not that I'm doing this because never want to risk anything! Just that I'm finding my feet. I wasn't saying that I thought my friend was like "feel free to flirt with me from now on" - just that I thought I might have f*cked everything up between us, and I was relieved that he'd taken it ok.
I've been doing too much late-night stuff online, and my posts have been pretty obsessive and mixed up.

robinia Sat 03-Jun-17 00:44:35

* that he hoped and trusted that I will find nice people closer to home too.*
I think this means he hopes that you both will find nice people closer to home as the distance between you means that a relationship, fwb or whatever, is not practical. May well be up for a shag if you were closer.

SuiteHarmony Sat 03-Jun-17 00:47:22

Hey, I get all of that. And when you're emerging from a long term relationship, there is an awkwardnsss about knowing where you fit in and what to do next. I find it encouraging and yay! that you have the appetite and libido for adventure. I highly recommend getting kissed and exploring the world. You might kiss some frogs, but enjoy the journey (and the kissing): it sounds like you are almost ready.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now