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Bothered by a past revelation

(64 Posts)
chomperomper Wed 24-May-17 22:33:53

DH and I are in relationship counselling.
Cutting a long story really short, but we began discussing about some small financial difficulties we were having a few years back. I was trying to balance our finances whilst DH appeared to resist my every effort, without really revealing why. I complained a lot and having just had a baby, was massively stressed out by DH'S obstructive manner.
Eventually, we saw a financial advisor (2 years down the line!) who basically agreed with everything I'd endeavoured to do to set things straight.
However, during a relationship counselling session, DH has admitted that his resistance at the time was due to the fact that he felt he deserved to have more disposable income than myself, as he worked more hours than I did and earned more money! (I was on mat leave at the time! And later reduced to part-time hours!)
He wasn't particularly apologetic and I got the sense that perhaps his views haven't entirely altered as he went on to say that all of his male friends have more money than their wives (as if he sees himself as hard done to for us having an equal share of disposable income!
Also, remembering how difficult I found it at the time and how obstructive DH was.when I tried to sort things out, I told DH that I was disgusted he had thought that he had deserved more money. Also, that he had been so resistant to all I did at the time, rather than communicate his truthful thoughts.
I then basically got a bit of a telling off from the counsellor about appreciating DH is telling the truth now and how I should choose not to feel disgusted. But, I can't help it, I just feel completely disgusted at his past narrow minded point of view that the husband should have more money than a wife who stays at home to look after children or works part-time, which in my opinion, still in part remains.
What are other people's thoughts about the division of finances and would any other women feel the same if their husband had said this?

TatianaLarina Wed 24-May-17 22:35:24


Branleuse Wed 24-May-17 22:39:11

i dont think during counselling is an appropriate time to tell your partner off and hurl insults. The point would be to discuss it and look at the way you two handle your disagreements etc

bramblina Wed 24-May-17 22:44:03

Yes I find this hard to accept and would find it very upsetting.

Dh has always earned more than me, but we have had a joint bank account from very early on. We just put all our money in, paid bills, and spent what we needed to, together. Since having 3 dcs and not returning to work after dc1 we went self employed. Dh does the hard physical manual labour of our business and I do the paperwork and accounts while raising the 3 dcs. He is abroad for 5 days so I do this alone. (Except for tonight when I'm on MN grin) As we are partners in the business when it comes to end of year accounts we split everything and earn exactly the same. Occasionally one of us earns £1 more than the other for accounting reasons wink. We both work. We both raise the kids, we both pay the bills, if we need something, we buy it. Money comes in, and goes out. To me a marriage is a partnership of everything and I sympathise with you if you and your dh do not share the same values as I appreciate you cannot control who you love!

chomperomper Thu 25-May-17 08:43:55

Thanks Bramblina. I'd always assumed that most couples separated finances as you do. Im a bit shocked to learn that not only does DH feel he should have more disposable income but says that his male friends have more disposable too. It just seems very unequal and such a misogynistic way to live. It makes me feel very sad that some men think like this and it massively conflicts with my beliefs and values as a woman.
Then to be told off by the counsellor for responding that I found it disgusting was like a double hit and I think quite unfair. Feeling very uneasy about the counselling session today.

AStickInTime Thu 25-May-17 08:52:41

Male counsellor?

fessmess Thu 25-May-17 09:26:11

Dh has earned more than me since we had kids and we split money equally. However I feel less entitled so choose to spend less (my shit.) I'm also a trainee counsellor and in no situation would I tell a client to not feel. Your feelings are valid, as are your husbands. Expressing them to each other, in a constructive way is what's important.

Peanutbuttercheese Thu 25-May-17 09:33:14

It's still very common, the sad thing is they will just not see it as misogynistic just a sort of right.

It's still all so ingrained in society, you needs to change counsellors though as that's appalling.

bramblina Thu 25-May-17 09:35:19

Perhaps you should consider changing counsellor as I think fessmess's opinion of how she would deal with you airing your views is probably what more counsellors would/should do. I have the opinion that both partners in the counselling session should feel valued equally as it's meant to be a neutral ground, isn't it? It's hardly going to work out if he takes dh's side. "Mediation". Best of luck that you can work things out how you want them.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Thu 25-May-17 09:36:27

He is a male chauvinistic pig then?
I would find that hard to deal with. .
Can't imagine I would be able to let it go at all!!

chomperomper Thu 25-May-17 09:36:42

Well she was asking me to change my thoughts not my feelings. She held up the CBT model thoughts=behaviour=feelings. I always struggle with this model as it conflicts with the idea of accepting the way you feel as often promoted in counselling.

user1486956786 Thu 25-May-17 09:40:31

If a husband earned a significant amount of money, like unusually high and had worked hard for it, it wouldn't be totally unreasonable to keep some for himself, I would want to if that was me in that situation anyways. Although I'd def want to spoil my partner lots. But if they are earning not a great deal more than what you'd be earning if you hadn't stopped for kids etc. then I think equal definitely. Especially as you are working part time too, you are doing great.

Mari50 Thu 25-May-17 10:18:45

My exP was like this, he had a lot more disposable income and invariably spent it on himself.
When I was in mat leave he was really unsupportive and very resentful that he needed to support me at all (I spent my £6k savings supplementing my income when on mat leave.)
When I went back to work 4 days instead of full time he wasn't impressed and I had to spend my day off running any errands he needed done because it wasn't fair I only worked part time.
Living with someone who happily drops a £1000 on a jacket for himself by grudges £50 for something for his daughter gets a bit wearing after a while.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 25-May-17 10:36:22

He sounds like he believes that the room should burst into applause every time he enters.

By all means yes acknowledge his frankness and be openly pleased he has finally come clean but I don't understand why a negative response to the attitudes he shows is denied to you. In the spirit of honesty, or what have you.

PollyGasson24 Thu 25-May-17 10:48:06

That's a disgusting attitude. You are enabling his career at the expense of yours by looking after dc. Bet he doesn't do the running around and organising stuff when you are both home either. Of course disposable income should be equally shared.

bookwormnerd Thu 25-May-17 13:45:17

Thats a horrible attitude. I am a sahm and myself and husband have equal say on how money spent. My husband may work but he realises my time at home means something and I contribute as well just in a different way, and also realises what I do ultimatly allows him to be more focused on his job leading to more promotions. Our money is family money. We are a unit. In fact half the time husband encourages me to spend more on myself. How would husband feel if one day he lost his high pay packet and he needed to rely on yours, would he feel you should have more say and have more money?

chomperomper Thu 25-May-17 14:52:13

His argument is mainly that before DC, he earned around 10,000 more than me each year, so should get more disposable! I argue that, having not had DC, I may have had promotions and gone on to earn more than him so his reasoning does not stand. In his ideal world, I would work full time, I would have my pay, he would have his and the DCS would be happy being looked after by other people. He has never quite empathise with my need to change to part time. Perhaps his views on less disposable income is my punishment for this?
I'm really upset that he managed to convince the counsellor that this was a past viewpoint and therefore required my understanding and appreciation for honesty now. But having hear hI'm then reel off other male friends who have a larger disposable income than their wives, it seems the counsellor was wrong to assume he no longer holds these views.
SAHMs are as deserving of their husbands of an equal disposable income, I'm just so appalled by this revelation of a point of view I never knew he held until now. And then for me to be criticised for being shocked and upset by it seems more unfair the more people I speak to about it and the more I think about it.
I must say though, please don't take offence women of 50+ but the older generation of women often appear quite flummoxed or even insensitive when I talk about the lack of equality between men and women in the home and often give advice which revolves around "acceptance." I struggle with this massively, I must be a feminist. You can not read 'Wifework' and not see the huge imbalance in society!

Babyonboard101 Thu 25-May-17 15:05:17

For me it's a case of everyone who earns an income (you and your dp) puts all the money, unless going into a savings account, into "the family household money jar" and then from that it gets dived into 3/4 depending on how many kids you have. So you have bills and food etc to pay and whatever is left is divided equally amongst the family because nobody is better than anybody else, for children some of that is pocket money and things they want like clothes and toys (clothes not including necessities like school uniforms) and the rest goes into savings as they don't require money when they're 4.

BubblingUp Thu 25-May-17 15:16:07

Besides the misogyny, it's his sense of entitlement that is irritating. What else does he feel entitled to because he earns more? A woman on the side?

The counselor has clearly sided with him and will be of no use going forward. From my experience marital counselors often side with the men. My own parents' counselor told my Mother that she just needed to accept the presence of the OW and get used to it. Dad earned the money and had final say with how he lived his life.

robinofsherwood Thu 25-May-17 15:57:55

I wouldnt go back for counselling. You open up and are in a vulnerable position. To then be told how you can feel or not is quite harmful.

I would be fuming if my DH said something like that especially as he felt he was entitled to do it at a time when you needed to save. I also think I'd feel a bit sick if he had a group of male friends who all talked about how they gave themselves more money than their sahm wives.

My husband and I are a team. At times he's earned more at times I have. The gap is massive now & will remain that way for the forseeable future but we have equal disposable money.

chomperomper Fri 26-May-17 09:48:27

Thanks for the messages of support. I am considering not returning for counselling, although we have paid up in advance. I know that if I reel DH I don't want to go back, he'll tell me it's because someone has agreed with me and I've got a bee in my bonnet about it. I should also point out that I call him 'DH' but we're not actually married. We don't have a Will drawn up either so it appears looking after himself financially is his top priority over family. I'm so upset by what he's said and I'm unsure what to do next. How can I not be upset when he tells me so very clearly that he doesn't value my role in this family as much as his own? It's actually awful.

ImperialBlether Fri 26-May-17 09:57:11

I must say though, please don't take offence women of 50+ but the older generation of women often appear quite flummoxed or even insensitive when I talk about the lack of equality between men and women in the home

Honestly, that is SUCH crap! Do you not realise that all of the rights you have now are due to older women?

chomperomper Fri 26-May-17 10:25:48

I am genuinely sorry if what I've written ofends you, but it genuinely IS what I've found in my own experience. I fully appreciate the rights that have been achieved through the work of older women but there is still a huge imbalance in society again from my own experience as a mother and partner.

Somerville Fri 26-May-17 10:35:11

I must say though, please don't take offence women of 50+ but the older generation of women often appear quite flummoxed or even insensitive when I talk about the lack of equality between men and women in the home and often give advice which revolves around "acceptance." I struggle with this massively, I must be a feminist. You can not read 'Wifework' and not see the huge imbalance in society!

You know the author of Wifework is over 50...?!

ImperialBlether Fri 26-May-17 10:48:05

I'm just hoping Germaine Greer and Erin Pizzey are not on here. They'd have a bloody fit.

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