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How do I work on myself in the wake of the absolute end of relationship? V rambly.

(10 Posts)
TerfwithaNerf Wed 24-May-17 18:37:33

Was with Ex for 13 years. He moved out New Year 16. We have 2 DC.

Since then we've been in a bizarre, dysfunctional quasi relationship where we do loads of couple/family stuff (holiday together, Xmas together, weekly telly night, Sunday lunch at one of our houses most weeks, nights out just us) but we're not a couple. And it has really wrecked my head.

I have swung between knowing separation is right to thinking I want him back. I've felt almost deranged with jealousy about him being with other women (not the sex stuff surprisingly, the going on dates doing what we used to love doing together stuff).

Events in the last few months have brought everything to a head and I have realised what an unhealthy situation we have ended up in. We will never be together again. The problems that existed were real and haven't gone anywhere. What we had was once absolutely fantastic but it's now gone. Romanticising it and thinking I can never find someone I'm as compatible with ever again isn't helping me.

I've laid down some ground rules with ex from now on that will hopefully create some distance between us (stopping all the stuff listed above). Does this seem sensible or am I punishing him (as he thinks)?

At the moment I don't see a way we can be friends but I want us to be brilliant co-parents. Can one exist without the other?

I want to be a happier person. I don't want to waste any more energy or time on obsessing about the past and a relationship that isn't good for me.

Have been toying with therapy/counselling. Would that help me?

Oh and I also have no friends. Not a one. So any tips on how to improve that would be great. Am moving to a new area in the next few weeks and would love to make some new friends.

At the minute I spend all my child free time walking the dog and watching crap telly. I enjoy both but do feel I'm missing out on fun/friendship.

Thanks to anyone who has made it this far. Just needed to get out some of the mess that's inside my head.

RandomMess Wed 24-May-17 18:40:16

Yes you are doing the right thing, you need to ended it properly, grieve, find things that you enjoy doing and move on with your life.


TerfwithaNerf Wed 24-May-17 18:46:30

Thanks Random - grief is exactly right. I said as much to ex when we last spoke. I've been a tearful, sad mess for the last few weeks and I think it's down to the realisation that that part of my life, that journey with the person who was so incredibly important to me for so many years is now over. It hasn't helped that he has been quite stoic but it's come off as disinterest/disdain which has hurt me all the more.

Crying again now. Ffs.

Jayfee Wed 24-May-17 19:07:22

A break up like yours is almost worse than a bereavement. Now after a period of grieving it is time to move on..but it won't be easy. Moving into a new area is good because you will be expected to be looking for new friends.
Definitely stop doing stuff with him..let him take the children but build yourself the new life you deserve. Good luck.

RandomMess Wed 24-May-17 19:11:45

sad it is really hard, my ex and I stayed close for a long while because neither of us has any family I suppose even though I had a new partner. It was difficult detaching and creating distance and boundaries but we got there.

After 14 years it is going to be really difficult! Be kind to yourself flowers

TerfwithaNerf Wed 24-May-17 23:14:12

Thanks everyone. It's reassuring to read that others have felt this way.

Sat in bed in tears. We had a text exchange and I sent a long and honest message that was really quite difficult for me to write. He hasn't replied. He never would've left something like that go unacknowledged before. He's changed so much he's like a stranger sad.

Hoping tomorrow is a bit brighter. Won't be speaking to him unless it's absolutely necessary. Going to take toddler DS out somewhere nice for the day.

Thanks again flowers

Jayfee Thu 25-May-17 09:09:42

This might sound harsh,but perhaps it is good he has not replied. You need to build a protective shell for yourself. I think it would really help a lot to get some counselling. Go to your gp asap. If there is a long waiting list, it would be worth getting private help if you can afford it.
Your ex might be trying to help you by not replying, or trying to control you as he will know that not replying will make you feel desperate to hear from him. Don't reply immediately when he contacts you.
So dry your eyes, put on some makeup and go out in the sunshine for a bit.Sunglasses are great for hiding tears when you put on your brave face.

TerfwithaNerf Thu 25-May-17 09:43:03

You're right Jay. He replied late last night saying he hasn't seen the message but it doesn't matter. I need to not be hanging on waiting for crumbs from him. Have made a resolution - no more messages apart from the essential child related ones which I will keep as short and perfunctory as possible.

Makeup is on, as are the sunglasses. In the garden with the dog and DS who is playing with his tractors while I drink tea and read. He keeps coming over for hugs which is working wonders for my mood smile.

Saw a piece of advice on another Relationships thread last night which really stuck in my head. "Don't cling to the wreckage". That's exactly what I've been doing and it's now time to swim towards dry land and start anew.

Thanks for reading.

Triskel Thu 25-May-17 09:47:33

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is a bereavement - the death of a relationship and of the future you expected.

It probably isnt good for you to see him at the moment. Perhaps in future, when you have detached and are happy again, you can socialise, but better not to until you are healed as the bonds will not break while you see him.
Therapy is most definitely a good idea. Make sure you find a good therapist, with experience in this area.
It's hard to believe those who say things will get better in time, but they will.
You really need to 'spoil' yourself for a little while. You've probably forgotten what floats your boat at the moment, but think of what used to make you happy when you were young and try it. Or try anything at all - give it up if it isn't fun.
Any kind of activity or interest will help you make friends - school; volunteering (with children maybe) evening classes, exercise groups.

Exercise is a great mood enhancer.

RandomMess Thu 25-May-17 21:26:26

What progress in 24 hours - see it is possible, hard work, baby steps to happiness but you can help make it happen flowers

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