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OK, how do I compromise on this?

(55 Posts)
PollyGasson24 Wed 24-May-17 15:01:58

Have read a thread in which (male) OP has been advised to either leave, have an affair or see an escort because his wife only has sex every 5-6 weeks. The general consensus seems to be a compromise is not possible and the OP is getting gender biased double standards. Anyhow, got me thinking what compromise ppl could suggest for my situation, which is wearing me down atm.
DH often works away, I'm living as a lone parent while he socialises and looks at porn 'when lonely'. He knows I don't agree with that. Historically, he wanted more sex than me, when I was on the pill (no libido), had young children and was working. Bearing in mind I was by myself with two kids a lot of the time, so that also affected my desire - it was not my choice to work away and therefore abstain for months, feel a bit shit I now know he was out drinking and looking at other women during these times. Usually did about once a week when he was home, possibly once a fortnight when kids were up every night and I was knackered.
Found out a few things about his socialising and past behaviour about a year ago, asking him to stop looking at porn and arguing (I think) led to him getting ED, which is still evident to some extent. Honestly wouldn't be surprised if it was guilt induced, as I'm sure I don't know all his exploits.
Now, kids are older, I'm a sahm because I can't get a job to fit in with school. I've been interested in spicing things up and would be happy with 3-4 times a week. He's not interested in toys or things I would like to try, says he's only interested in sex once a week, but when we do, it's always the same, and boring. I'm losing any interest I had myself now, and am less and less inclined to bother at all, as he thinks anything apart from a quick shag is too much bother.
So, if I don't want to leave, where's the compromise? Any advice?

Changedname3456 Wed 24-May-17 15:29:07

Has he tried to do something about the ED - seen the GP / had testosterone tests?

I think that has to be the compromise here - that he goes and gets himself checked. If his libido is low as well then testosterone shots are supposed to help that.

Ultimately, like that other poster, your choices are the same (this is assuming he won't take any action to change things). You stick at once a week unfulfilling sex, perhaps sorting yourself out with a vibrator; you play away from home to fulfill the sexual side; or you leave.

Do you still love him? Are the other aspects of the relationship good enough that they compensate for the less than thrilling sex life?

Adora10 Wed 24-May-17 15:35:25

His inconsideration of you is so bad he calls your sex life boring; I'd not even bother OP, I'd be looking for another relationship tbh and ending the current `boring` one.

TheNaze73 Wed 24-May-17 15:37:27

The post above offers some sage advice.
That needs to be your starting point.
Do feel for you, quantity & quality wise.
I hope the Dr helps & you can get back in track

Happybunny19 Wed 24-May-17 16:10:06

Adora is right. Why do you only live by his terms? I think your DH takes you for granted and needs shaking up a bit. I personally wouldn't bother dtd with him at all if it's boring and he's not interested in your enjoyment too. I'm quite surprised you haven't had an affair tbh.

HildaOg Wed 24-May-17 16:36:01

You argued with him about using porn? That's extremely controlling. When a man is working away he's either releasing himself into a laptop screen or another woman. Porn is a good sign.

I'd be uncomfortable exploring with someone who felt entitled to dictate to me what I was allowed to Google search tbh. Such a turn off.

Go for couples therapy. You need to open the lines of communication before you can go any further.

MuffinsPyjamas Wed 24-May-17 16:37:44

I've read somewhere that sometimes porn can sometimes effect people's libidos or cause ED (unfortunately I can't remember where I read this). Also porn can cause a kind of sexual laziness - if the viewer gets used to being able to get off conveniently and without romance or real contact sometimes it can kind of alter them.

I agree with 3456 to a large extent, if you go for the option of once per week sex + vibrator whenever he doesn't want it; maybe you could let him know that he can join in any time when you are using the vibrator?? - not in a hostile/demeaning way but more like:
"Hey I'm horny, fancy some fun?"
"Nah I can't be bothered"/ "nah I'm watching something atm, maybe later love"
"Ok smile I've got a new toy that I can go have some fun with, you can join me at any time if you change your mind smile "
<You go get the toy and have fun without any expectations of him joining in (if he does it's a bonus, if not then you've still had fun)

picklemepopcorn Wed 24-May-17 16:43:36

Hmm. Couldn't fancy sex with a man that uses porn, TBH. What a turn off.

picklemepopcorn Wed 24-May-17 16:47:23

That's for Hilda, by the way.

Sex needs to be fun for both people, Polly. Ask him how you can make sex more fun. What would make it worth the effort? Ask him how he'd feel if you had no sex.

If necessary, Tell him it's not much fun and ask for ideas.
Bad Sex is such a turn off.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 24-May-17 16:53:32

Porn is a good sign
Not in this situation it's not.
Porn addiction. death grip nightmares and having a detrimental affect on your relationship is NOT A GOOD sign.
I can tell you from personal experience - it ruins relationships.

HildaOg Wed 24-May-17 17:15:41

He looks at porn when working away from home and lonely... Fgs, what do people expect? Put his dick in the freezer? It is a good sign that when he's away he's using fantasy and not other women if fidelity is important to you.

Op never said anything about him being addicted to porn. Just that he got ED when she ordered him not to use it. I'd take that as he just doesn't want to fuck someone so controlling. Maybe he listened about the porn and went for the alternative, who knows.

MuffinsPyjamas Wed 24-May-17 17:19:26

Hildas comment is interesting (I'm not offended or wanting an argument, I feel like I disagree but I don't have any evidence to back me up, and my personal experience is: I'm a bloke and I've never had an affair and am uncomfortable with the fact that I've had a bit of a porn habit for a while ). Hildas opinion seems to be that men can't just not be sexual for a week, so if they aren't with their partner for a week they will either use porn or have sex with someone else. It feels to me like although I don't want that opinion to be correct and there will be people who it is wrong for (not all men are the same), she might be onto something​ for about 90% of young men. Surely theres something people can do better than watching porn or having an affair in that situation - distract themselves with other things, phone sex, smutty texts and wanking, or just wanking while fantasizing about your OH.

OP have you tried any of this stuff? Is giving him naughty photos of you (perhaps with your face out of the picture just in case anyone other than him sees the picture) an option? If this where me I'd be well up for naughty pics of my wife (its guilt free porn, the lady in the picture genuinely finds me attractive and loves me, when I get back home I can see that sexy lady for real and in the meantime I can plan what naughty things I'm going to do to her when I get back)

PhilTheSahd Wed 24-May-17 17:30:13

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Adora10 Wed 24-May-17 17:43:11

The porn use is just a symptom of his attitude to his wife; he couldn't care less about her enjoyment and finds when they do have sex boring.

I'd not even bother wasting my time deliberating over his porn use and if it's ok or not, that's not the only issue, the main one is his attitude which is fucken awful.

picklemepopcorn Wed 24-May-17 18:09:22

Muffin I think men are told they are like that. There is a self fulfilling element- the more you get the more you want. So it's a vicious- or virtuous- circle. If men don't grow up expecting constant sexual pandering, they manage just fine.

If you need porn to excite you, then you don't need sexual release. IYSWIM. Porn caters to people who want to be aroused, I think.

wouldthatitwere Wed 24-May-17 18:32:18

OP does he still watch porn? I watched porn through my 20' s and it did become very often and more extreme, I then found myself not being able to get aroused with my partner. I stopped completely and my desire for normal sex came back pretty quickly. He may have a habit that's affecting him?

Changedname3456 Wed 24-May-17 19:10:02

Online Porn - forgetting the exploitative aspects, it has to be the most boring media format ever invented.

I think if he's into his mid thirties or later and still watching porn then he's probably got a bit of a problem and could perhaps benefit from cutting back, particularly if he's substituting it for getting the real thing from you, and especially if you're offering 3-4 times a week!

I go on reasonably frequent trips and haven't yet felt the need to access porn, or have a ONS. I don't think that many guys do, (although I have no stats on it) but then, I suppose, someone must be, otherwise hotels wouldn't offer x-rated channels.

Haffiana Wed 24-May-17 20:14:17

I read it as saying that OP finds the sex boring, not her partner?

PollyGasson24 Wed 24-May-17 21:49:22

Thanks for the responses so far, will be back with more time to answer later, but

You argued with him about using porn? That's extremely controlling. When a man is working away he's either releasing himself into a laptop screen or another woman. Porn is a good sign.

WTAF? So if he works away I should expect him to wank away to porn or go stick it in a real woman? Jesus. Whatever happened to 'forsaking all others? That's an absolutely grim view.

Oldrockman Thu 25-May-17 00:12:31

I don't look at porn, find even if I am in the mood it just destroys it, but DW does on occasion and enjoys it. I don't mind if she gets something out of it why should I? What I don't get though is why a dildo or fake penis is seen as OK by some but porn is not? Porn though seems somewhat absurd and the last time I saw any when some bright spark thought it a good idea it just seemed odd and not at all interesting.
I don't know what the answer is, will he not discuss what has made him like that? If they don't want to or refuse to talk I can't see much chance of compromise. Is he depressed or worried about anything it can lead to being distant with close ones and also ED?

Mom2K Thu 25-May-17 03:57:15

Hilda makes men sound like dogs. Pretty grim view. If someone (male or female) can't go without sex for a week and HAS to use porn or else cheat, then I'd say they have a problem. I'd have no interest in being with a sex addict, which is what that sounds like.

hmm

PollyGasson24 Thu 25-May-17 04:59:18

changed, yes, he went to doc, we tried viagra, which didn't seem to have any effect whatsoever,as far as I recall. Certainly didn't get a repeat performance. I still love him, but this whole thing is wearing me out. Initially he blamed the ED solely on me ( my reaction to finding disrespectful stuff out from a long time ago). But the ED hasn't changed in a year and we've had plenty of good patches since it started. I'm now getting resentful that I'm expected to do it only when he's interested, on his terms. Whereas previously I was interested in exploring more, I now feel 'dirty' even thinking of suggesting anything, as he's clearly not interested. While away last time he bookmarked a vid clip of some girl pleasuring herself with a dildo, yet despite once saying he'd like to do the same (and now we have one) , there's no interest. Sorry, tmi, but it's hurtful that he enjoys seeing someone on a screen do it and isn't interested at home. I know I'm not as thin/pretty etc, so now even getting undressed for bed I'm comparing myself unfavourably, let alone while thinking of doing anything. (and he shuts his eyes while I undress,WTF is that about?)

Happy he does generally see to my pleasure before he finishes, but it feels like a requirement to prove he's not selfish, somewhat. Otherwise, same foreplay, positions, etc...

Hilda couples therapy isn't worth it, since he has said that he would not tell a counsellor anything he wouldn't tell me. And we've talked it to death, with no conclusion. BTW, when I worked away, I wasn't perving over a screen or looking for someone to shag. I think it comes down to how much you respect your partner wrt porn and how it's seen in the relationship. It's not a requirement for fantasising!

Muffins - I'm not putting any pics of myself out there, headless or not. I can't trust his word on other things, why would I trust him with that? As to sexing etc, yes, but while he is away he's often in another time zone, drinking/socialising with other ppl, some of whom I know go off looking for sex. I (wrongly or rightly) feel that sexting him while away would invite trouble. After all, he did stuff before which he thought I wouldn't know about, I definitely wouldn't know if he got horny and joined his friends on their brothel visits.

wouldthat he said he stopped again, but how would I know? Especially as he did most of it while working away, every time he goes now I am wondering what he's up to.

oldrock opportunity started his watching, then it became a regular thing, and it wasn't all whileaway, so not as if he was lonely or whatever he tried to tell me at first. The ED he blames squarely on me arguing with him when I found he was still watching porn. No empathy with what I felt about being lied to for years. Or knowing that his friends cheat and I'm supposed to trust his word that he hasn't ever done anything like that...He says he's tired/worried about money etc, but we're not struggling moneywise and he doesn't make an effort to go to bed earlier....

Mom2K I didn't think he was an addict, but do now wonder if he's not able to get as interested without it, iykwim sad

Bleurghghghgh Thu 25-May-17 05:31:36

oh this is awful. Im pretty sure I'd just end a relationship like this. He's making you feel terrible, what's the point?!

PollyGasson24 Thu 25-May-17 06:33:48

Ha, all the usual reasons. Plus, if he made a decent effort to initiate more communication and interest, and was proactive in showing he is trustworthy, things would be great! But I don't know how to get him to make that effort.

Barbaro Thu 25-May-17 07:28:40

Love how when the male equivalent of this problem said he got told to have an affair, but doesn't want to got slammed by people on MN and told that he must be causing all the problems. But now its a woman, its leave him or have an affair. Bit double standards right? I'll ask the questions asked from the last thread if my memory doesn't fail me.

Maybe he doesn't find you attractive? Have you gained weight over the years? Maybe you aren't nice to him emotionally and need to understand him better? He has every right to watch porn to be honest, it's no different to you ladies going bonkers over 50 shades of grey. Its his body he can dp what he wants with it, just like how you can go and buy toys and do what you want with yours. But cheating is not an option and if you do that, he deserves better than you.

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