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Over 30 days NC - feels so weird and well un-natural and rude but...

(12 Posts)
Mumandsome78 Wed 24-May-17 13:24:08

Hi all just looking to vent maybe and get some kicks up the ass. I had a shortlived but intense fling with someone who had previously been my close friend (yes I know). I had strong feelings for him (I still do) and possibly because he never ever shared how he felt about me, and blew intensely hot and (nastily) cold, I forged an unhealthy dependence. I take more or less total responsibility and have done a fair bit of self flagellation over it. And received a fair amount of stick from my mates too, who were horrified at the choice I had made in this guy. For the first time in my life i took total control and executed a plan to slowly go no contact and lessen the unhealthy dependence but with kindness and politeness towards him. I had no choice but to do it that way as we had shared hobbies and friends and at the time I wanted to feel like i could eventually go back to the world we both enjoyed, without bad feeling.

He has not chased me or contacted me and I don't expect him to, I am doing this to heal me and not win him back. I do not obsessively check whatsapp. I've managed 35 days. I feel proud. That said, I have got to the point where I feel so damn petty and rude for effectively ignoring a human being and additionally, absenting myself from a world and other humans who I cared about without explanation - I am naturally a gentle, forgiving and communicative person and so all of this complete silence is something I've never ever done. I've read all the NC stuff, I know NC doesn't work without complete detachment and separation and I still believe that in order to heal I can't have this person in my life for now, perhaps forever. Can someone just kick my ass and tell me I'm doing the right thing. Does it get easier in time? I obsess over what he thinks about it all. The idea he thinks I am being petty or trying to make a statement really bothers me, as I am simply not that kind of person and I think in my saner moments he knows that at least. Of course I doubt he even thinks about it at all. I wish somehow I could tell him what I am doing and why but then that breaks the rules. and it would get me nowhere. Sorry for the ramble. as long as I write it here, at least I am continuing the NC I guess....

TheGirlOnTheLanding Wed 24-May-17 13:28:38

You know you are doing the right thing, and you know if you stop now you'll be right back where you started, and self-flagellating again. 35 days! Well done. Don't throw that away now.

gustofwind Wed 24-May-17 13:29:29

In the same boat. Feel for you.


Once you have moved on and with happiness, he'll be like a fly in your ointment and you will be beyond overjoyed he has no hold over you.

Keep going x

noego Wed 24-May-17 13:47:17

You are doing the right thing. Confidence has nothing to do with being brash or extrovert. True confidence is not giving a shit about what anybody thinks of you smile

picklemepopcorn Wed 24-May-17 14:41:02

The idea he thinks I am being petty or trying to make a statement really bothers me,

What he thinks, or doesn't think, doesn't matter anymore. Hooray, you are free! Well done.

BubblingUp Wed 24-May-17 14:44:56

35 days! That is awesome. Sounds like you are looking for an excuse to restore contact. Don't do it. Humanity will carry on without you having contact with this person.

NancyWake Wed 24-May-17 14:47:10

You only care what he thinks because you still have feelings for him. Whatever he tells himself short term, long term if you follow through on no contact he will realise it's for real.

HildaOg Wed 24-May-17 15:10:26

Why bother caring what he thinks? I guarantee that he doesn't waste a second caring about your thoughts.

Mumandsome78 Sun 28-May-17 03:10:12

Thanks everyone for the kind words sorry it took a while to come back. Checking in to say that I've still managed to maintain it over a weekend where he was at a place I used to love, hanging out with a lot of mutual friends. This was a significant weekend for me as the first time the group would have been together since I absented myself. The feelings of social exclusion and pettiness on my side were tough. My absence will have been noticed at least by the others and as they don't know the details, because despite being asked by them, repeatedly why I'm not there, I've maintained a dignified silence, I am convinced he will however, when asked, have painted a narrative that suits his warped little world view. That really sucks. My work is all about PR so I'm automatically wanting to PR my reputation by reaching out to him or them and explaining what I'm doing, but I'm proud to say that I stopped myself each and every time and made it through. Partly because can you imagine the pleasure he'd get from a statement from me about no contact ;-) gosh what a fool my mind is at times. I suspect he wants to make me feel bad as there have been certain behaviors on social media which allude to that but whilst I can't block him (good reasons behind that) again I've managed to take the hits and not react. I've never had to do this before. Lucky me. Always chose men who didn't require such draconian measures. What a learning. Here's to the next 35 days. I hope it's ok to come on here a bit and vent and get support as I am finding it tough. Last question; one of the mutual friends wants to meet me. I am keen to do so in a very neutral and structured setting just to keep alive a friendship that means something to me. however I'm worried I might hear stuff that's unhelpful or end up saying something that gets reported back? Or do you think it would be a good test and a way of normalizing the situation a bit? Obviously as you can tell, since a child, the concept of social exclusion is one of my biggest pain points and fears and it's this which is paining me the most right now.

flumperoo Sun 28-May-17 04:50:17

Have a look at this website, if you haven't already...
...and read these books...
The No Contact Rule
Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

C0RAL Sun 28-May-17 07:58:06

Why don't you just meet the friend but put boundaries in place ?

Tell her that you and X have split up so you don't want to hear anything about him and ask her not to tell him anything about you . Lots of people don't want communication from and to their ex, I'm sure she will understand.

Well done for standing firm and doing what's right for you.

Mumandsome78 Sun 28-May-17 09:41:13

Thanks so much all for the continued advice. I truly appreciate it. Will check out the links, and if, if, if, the friend reaches out specifically to arrange the meet we had vaguely planned, i will go ahead and as you say, impose some boundaries. I trust this person to maintain confidence.
Onwards and upwards. And never again.

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