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Reality check needed(9 Posts)
Hi all, I’m a long-time lurker who has finally got the courage to post. Please be gentle.
Here’s the issue: we’ve been married for 9 years but haven’t had sex for 7 years. No kids - unsurprisingly. We get on well, don’t really argue, are good friends, have similar outlooks and values. He's a good, kind and gentle man. But this isn’t right is it?
Early on in our marriage there was lots of stress - work, family, moving etc. I put on weight and felt like I’d lost my identity. Then DH got made redundant and I slipped into depression. During all this time I had no sex drive and he never asked for it. I was ashamed. We never discussed it. I never told anyone else as I thought it would be disloyal. I got help for the depression and anti-depressants saved me, but not my sex drive. DH got another job and life went on.
Now I’m much better and off the ADs. I’ve lost the weight and feel fantastic - better than I have done in years. The problem is that my libido has come back with a vengeance and since November I’ve felt very unhappy about our lack of intimacy. I tried to talk to him about it twice with no joy.
Recently I broke down to a friend who was very supportive and since then I’ve raised it again with DH and we had a proper chat about it. We talked about how our communication has broken down, that we should do more stuff both together and apart and that actually he's now a bit depressed but won't get help for it. At the end, we both committed to sort it out and agreed we didn’t want to split up. And then he said, there is another option which is to ‘grin and bear it like our parents generation did’. So overall, I don't really feel that I'm any further forward.
Am I kidding myself that we can come back from this and have a future?
What are you getting out of being married to him that you wouldnt get if the two of you were just housemates?
You sound like friends, more than partners.
It won't get any better. 7 days without sex is a struggle for a lot of people, 7 years seems like a life time.
You deserve better
7 years - no way.
How old are you?
Do you want children?
Do you want this to be your life for the next 30-50 years??
I take it you don't want to give up yet as
we both committed to sort it out and agreed we didn’t want to split up.
It's like you're on a seesaw, one is better, one is struggling.
During all this time I had no sex drive and he never asked for it. I was ashamed. We never discussed it.
But you found the strength to tackle your depression, and you found your old self again. Unfortunately DH in the meantime was floundering.
It's not uncommon for a partner to develop their own illness as a result of living with a depressed person.
When everything else is apparently going well sex (or lack of it) can be the elephant in the room. Talking about it was a major starting point. You must have felt upset when the talk back in November didn't have much effect so it was brave to try again.
He is still on the defensive so will he actually go to his doctor?
Better to try a new approach than just "grin and bear it".
What hellsbells said. I could not live like this and neither should you if you're unhappy. Your DH hadn't listened if he seriously suggested ducking it up and carrying on like this. Give yourself a deadline, speak to him again and emphasise this is a last chance for him to help improve your marriage or you'll need to make changes without him. You will only continue to feel unfulfilled like this and you sound like you've done so well to lose weight, kick the ADs and feel good about yourself again.
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I'm gutted I didn't deal with it sooner and even I think this situation is really wierd. But when everything else was fine between us and with other life stuff going on I didn't think that making it an issue was gonna help. And then as Donkeys said it became the elephant in the room and it never got sorted. And yes, now we are more friends than partners. From the outside, you would never guess. My friend who has known us forever was gobsmacked.
There's lots of love and mutual support but its not enough. I've just got my life back, I want to live it, and not like this. Thanks happybunny I'm def going to set a mental deadline, keep pushing re the doctor and having those lovely awkward conversations. This has to change - one way or another.
Thanks for the support.
I think its finished. If it has gone this long with no interest then i doubt it can be revived. Do you want a sexless relationship?
I'm going to slightly disagree with other posters. You yourself was depressed but are now starting, since November to feel better which is great. 7 years is a long time. Your husband stood by you, so he needs to feel you will do the same. I do think he needs some nudging to get help for his depression. It is good you are talking. His comment about grinning wasn't helpful. So yes give him a nudge, explain you want to revive that closeness (that's if you really do want to with him?) But it can't be well i'm better now so you have to be too.
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