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Did separating from your partner change your friendships?

(35 Posts)
Yellowaardvark Wed 24-May-17 10:58:57

Just that, really. What were your experiences?

I suppose I am just wondering what other people have found. I'm fairly sure my old girlfriends will be fine, but do wonder about "couple" friends and platonic male friends.

tiba Wed 24-May-17 11:01:56

Yes

I lost a lot of friends.

Friends who I had had since school but ended up as couple friends.

They didn't want to lose not being friends with both of us and based on the horrific things exh did, there was no way I could be friends with people who stood by him.

DarkFloodRises Wed 24-May-17 11:09:49

We're in a group of friends consisting of four couples. They're not our closest friends by any means, but the four women in the group all know each other from a specific thing we organised together several years ago, and since then we've all met up for dinner once every few months (taking it in turns to host).

One of the couples has recently split up and I'm not quite sure how we'll handle it going forwards. If we just invite one of the couple it would be the woman so I guess that's what we'll do - go ahead with three couples and a woman on her own. I hope she won't feel awkward sad.

Or maybe we'll stop doing dinner parties and instead meet up in the pub as two groups - the women separately from the men?

HildaOg Wed 24-May-17 11:21:37

No, we always had separate friends. Some or his friends ignored me for a while because they believed his shit talk. He moved in with a couple of them for a few months and after that they were lovely to me and not on speaking terms with him because they realised I was telling the truth.

chestylarue52 Wed 24-May-17 13:26:58

Yes, it brought me closer to my friends,

They are really there for me when I need them and I was/am so grateful.

chestylarue52 Wed 24-May-17 13:28:24

You ask about platonic male friends, I've only had one that tried (I felt) to exploit me being sad and vulnerable and get me into bed. He claimed he wasn't doing anything wrong <because you're single now> but I felt very angry about and so did other friends on my behalf.

Mari50 Wed 24-May-17 13:57:30

When I split with my husband one couple dropped both of us which was v weird. Almost like they thought it was catching.
When I split from my Dd's dad it made no difference, we didn't socialise as a couple really, his friends are still his and mine still mine and my friends are delighted that I've finally left him.

QuiteChic Wed 24-May-17 18:00:51

When the marriage broke down of a couple who were our good friends, it was heartbreaking for myself and my OH; we didn't want to take sides, we wanted to support them both but independently. They also had children that we had come to love as 'Aunty & Uncle' - but they were each in their own way so bitter, angry and hurt that they couldn't help bad mouthing the other. We 'broke up' with them both because they put us in an untenable position. It happened over twenty years ago and I still wonder what happened to them and their kids. It was a pretty harrowing time for all of them - I hope they were able to move on.

samatamfabahaba Wed 24-May-17 18:03:06

I lost 90% of my "friends" but honestly don't notice anymore. I've made new friends. People that chose him also believe all the utter shite he told them so I couldn't be arsed to try and defend myself against it all, too busy moving on!

nigelsbigface Wed 24-May-17 18:26:46

Yes I've lost alot of friends-some very old friends of us both, who have believed the rubbish he has spouted about me.
I am still friends with some of of mutual friends who have also stayed friends with him-and it's ok but sometimes difficult and it's changed the things I talk about with them.
I am closer to the friends that have stuck by and feel very fortunate to have them.

HoHoHoHo Wed 24-May-17 18:43:57

My ex was weird about mixing different elements of his life. In fact his weird compartmentalism of his life was one of the main reasons we split. As a consequence, he lost all of my friends when we split (because they moved into his compartment of ex girlfriend so wouldn't talk to them) and I barely met his friends so lost no-one except him.

Deianira Wed 24-May-17 18:49:20

I had some separate friends of my own who just stayed the same - but interestingly I also become much closer to some friends who'd been his first, then couple friends, then became entirely mine. They basically pretended he didn't exist anymore and carried on seeing me (I still, years on, don't know if they see him now or not, because they never even mention his name!), they supported me, and we continued to hang out regularly until they became some of my closest friends. It may be rare, but they were amazing, and I'll always appreciate it.

SmokedGlass Wed 24-May-17 19:09:07

I lost a couple too, mostly because they took his side and just dropped me, they only heard his version
We had many friends who kept in contact with me, I meet up regularly with them but keep a low profile as they still had some contact with him
3 years on now he's moved away and everything is back on track
My oldest friends are the best - they still have intermittent contact with him and that doesn't bother me anymore
I've made lots of new friends now and life is lovely

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower Wed 24-May-17 19:15:04

I lost one very old friend, who had been really close and really supportive during my break up with EA ex. Weird thing was that as he'd left I realised just how narcissistic and controlling she'd become, so I had to stop talking to get.

BUT.. I got back in touch with so many wonderful friends, made new friends, it's fantastic. Now the ex and the 'friend' were out of the way, I realised just how much emotional space they'd been taking up and it was an enormous weight off when I could have fun with my real friends again.

ImLadybird Wed 24-May-17 19:18:16

I didn't but exh did. Turns out all 'our' friends had never really liked him anyway.

Madlizzy Wed 24-May-17 19:22:37

I got dropped by a few friends who decided to take his side. Stupid thing is, there weren't sides, and he was as mystified as I was. I think it's because I was the one who left. I've just resigned them to the arsehole pile now and moved on, but it did hurt at the time.

ALaughAMinute Wed 24-May-17 19:25:05

I lost some friends and some friends became closer.

pieceofpurplesky Wed 24-May-17 19:27:51

I found out who my friends were that's for sure!. Some of his friends don't speak as they believed the shit and lies he spouted. To be fair I was not that keen on some of them anyway.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry Wed 24-May-17 19:42:57

Gosh Quite, what a good friend you were not. Wow. Thank God none of our friends were like you.

Silvereyes Wed 24-May-17 19:46:35

It didn't change any of my friendships, my STBXH however lost every friend that was 'ours' as they independently saw what an arse he is. He is bitter about how it's all panned out.

jouu Wed 24-May-17 19:47:13

My ex didn't have many friends, and alienated all of mine, so no "couple friend" relationships were affected.

I am a person who has few friends but they're close friends. Those relationships deepened.

There were many acquaintance mummy "friends" who became wary/distant and were especially awkward about including me in any couple things with them and their husbands. I got the sense that I was perceived as an interloper and potential affair partner, or as an existential threat - that my very presence might make someone think "hang on, maybe I can leave my marriage too". I can remember driving back from a Christmas party, the year of my first Xmas alone, crying from the exhaustion of dealing with that "frozen out" feeling for hours on end.

I have one friend who believes women need to be coupled up/living with a man in order to be happy, whereas I'm not ready for that and may never be*. Which to her seems I am "refusing to be happy" - I am happy, but anyway! That's been a little awk but we're still friends.

* I think if I lied and said "I think I'm just not ready yet" vs. "I never want to do that again", she'd be more amenable!

Was hit on by a couple of male friends. Not a nice experience and left me feeling sad and vulnerable tbh.

My family absolutely deserted me which hurt, still hurts, a lot.

n0ne Wed 24-May-17 19:50:10

Surprisingly, when stbxh left me many years ago, his best mate stopped talking to him and stayed mates with me. Over a decade later he's still one of my closest friends. xDH was a right wanker, though grin

user76895432 Wed 24-May-17 19:54:53

No. We had friends we saw together but they were always either my friends first or his. The friends that were mine first remained my friends post separation and didn't see him. Likewise, he kept his friends. The only joint friends we made together were NCT friends and they all sided with me!

Feyenoord Wed 24-May-17 20:50:04

Yes. We both lost some friends. I also discovered that some acquaintances (sp?) actually turned out to be very loving friends. His best friend became my best friend and couldn't stand ex his behaviour.

This all took a couple of years though. All in all I feel like a winner with the great friends that I have.

Queenofthedrivensnow Wed 24-May-17 21:04:41

No not at all but I avoided most of exh friends when I was married anyway. My friends stuck by me

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