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Still so unsure

(26 Posts)
Notwittyenough Wed 24-May-17 09:08:12

Just had a massive fight with husband, and not the first. We are repeatedly fighting at the moment, and as far as he is concerned it is all my fault. I am genuinely worried that he might have a point, as up until now I have believed he is just being unreasonable.

All our arguments stem from the fact that he feels unloved as I don't give him enough attention. Generally we will have a massive fight, I will apologise and put noise to change, I will try to give him all the attention he wants but invariably fail, and then he will eventually get mad again.

I have always felt he is being unreasonable in his demands. Not that he isn't entitled to feel loved, but I don't think I am neglectful. We have fairly regular sex (generally a few times a week, but less if we have just fought). I give him kisses and cuddles often. Or at least I try too, as this doesn't count as attention for him. He says that since only I enjoy that I am selfish to keep trying and instead I should be giving him what he wants - which is basically for me to physically fight for him whilst he rejects me, more play fighting in general, more interesting sex. I try to do these things, but I'm exhausted working full time and with a 2 year old dd. Not that he doesn't also do parent stuff, but I feel the majority falls to me. And its like if I stop doing it for even just a night then it's instantly I've given up trying and I don't care about him any more. He feels that all the effort in our relationship should be coming from me at the moment, as he has been miserable for years and it should be my turn to make him happy.

Anyway, last night when he got home we were sitting watching tv. I had just finished eating and was just trying to relax. I wasn't really paying attention to him at that point, but I had paid attention to him when he got home. He said something to indicate he wanted attention, but what he said annoyed me. I told him I didn't like what he said. He then got really mad saying that I didn't need to say that, I could have said so many other things that would have got my point across, but instead I started a fight.

So I am selfish and awful and making him miserable but what if he has a point. He has just as much right to be happy as I do, and surely what he wants isn't asking for too much.

There are loads of other things going on as well. I'm not meaning to drip feed but I would be posting forever otherwise and I'm actually sneaking on here at work

HildaOg Wed 24-May-17 09:31:03

He sounds horrible. What does he do for you? It's all about him. He is bullying you. Please leave.

elephantscansing Wed 24-May-17 09:34:15

For 'attention', read 'sex'?? And you're already having sex a few times a week?

Eurgh. he sounds like a needy dog. Can imagine it's exhausting if you're also workiong FT and looking after your dc.

And he wants you to physically fight for him whilst he rejects me, more play fighting in general, more interesting sex???

Well, he can ask, but he certainly isn't entitled to any of those things. (And what on earth physically fight for him whilst he rejects you??)

He sounds like a nasty, childish bully.

AhYerWill Wed 24-May-17 09:35:50

I don't really understand what he wants from you, so it's quite hard to answer:

" I should be giving him what he wants - which is basically for me to physically fight for him whilst he rejects me, more play fighting in general, more interesting sex"

He wants you to physically fight with him? That doesn't sound like a normal or healthy dynamic in a relationship.

Yes he has the right to be happy, but not at your expense - are you happy with the dynamic he is trying to create here? Fighting for someone who rejects you doesn't sound like an enjoyable dynamic for you, and the physical aspect of it is quite worrying if its not some kind of mutual kink.

Ultimately though it shouldn't be down to one person to make the other happy or do all the work in a relationship. He sounds selfish, and only interested in what he wants, rather than trying to be a partnership where you are both happy and having your needs met.

Notwittyenough Wed 24-May-17 09:42:24

A lot of this is how I feel, but his ire is that since he has been putting in all the effort for so long, changing things for me, now it's my turn. Often when we have had this argument in the past I have said something about his behaviour that I don't like, and he has then tried to change it. His argument is that he has changed all this stuff, and I still haven't changed what he wants.

My view I that the stuff he changed isn't stuff I should have had to ask him to change in the first place. He then says he shouldn't have to ask me to change this, and if I was a decent human being I would just do it.

yetmorecrap Wed 24-May-17 09:42:25

Sounds like a total drama queen, I had a friend like this, wasn't happy unless a lot of argy bargy was going on in life, hated it when anything was mundane and peaceful

Notwittyenough Wed 24-May-17 09:44:00

I feel like I am not putting his side across very well. He feels unloved as I don't pay enough attention to him - regardless of what form that attention should take. He is happy with just cuddling up sometimes

user1486956786 Wed 24-May-17 09:48:57

He sounds incredibly demanding, needy and childish.

Notwittyenough Wed 24-May-17 10:31:42

He manages to make it sound like such a little thing I need to give him.

He is childish. Last time I called him on it he stropped for ages. Kind of made my point. I just feel like such a bitch when we are arguing, but then later I fee so angry. But I can't successfully convey why to him, and how he is being out of order

Notwittyenough Thu 25-May-17 14:37:16

I'm sitting in my car crying my eyes out because I don't know what the right thing to do is and I hate the fact that I have gotten to a stage where I don't even know what is right anymore.

Going to extremes - if the worst he says of me is true. Say I never show him any affection, I never make him feel loved, I never do anything for him whilst he does everything for me. Would he be justified in what he says at that point. Would he be right in putting everything on me?

I want to leave him. I could pack me bags now, take my daughter and go. But I feel like I owe him more than that, that I have to tell him in person. But I'm scared to do that. I don't know how he will react, and he does get angry. Even saying this I know I probably won't do it and that makes me even more miserable than I already am. Everyone is always saying ltb thy aren't worth it. But what if I'm the one whose not worth it. What if I'm the one whose actually being out of order to him and making him so miserable and everyone is telling him he should leave me

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 25-May-17 14:44:09

Dry your tears, he is not worth it. He is responsible for his own happiness, not you. You cannot and should not carry another person here.

He does not show you affection and he does not make you feel loved. He is only interested in getting his own needs met here.

Is he jealous of your DD?

I would seek legal advice with a view to leaving this individual who sounds more and more like a nasty childish bully. This is not the relationship model you want to be showing your DD; you would not want this for her either.

You really do not owe this man anything. HE is not worth all this, he is the root cause of your unhappiness now and you have bent over backwards enough as it is to satisfy him. People like him are never happy and always move the goalposts.

Joysmum Thu 25-May-17 14:49:05

What does he do for you? Is he meeting your needs?

Notwittyenough Thu 25-May-17 14:52:09

No he is not meeting my needs at the moment, but he says that he has been trying to do it for years, and now it's my turn urn to meet his needs

I don't know if he has in the past. Sometimes yes, but then there is always something that upsets him, and he is a complete git when he is upset and thinks it is justified, as clearly I was a bitch to make him upset, so why shouldn't he be

Notwittyenough Thu 25-May-17 14:53:10

He would argue that I am responsible for his happiness as I shouldn't be mak My him unhappy

Adora10 Thu 25-May-17 14:55:42

Jesus Christ OP, tell him to get to fuck, seriously.

He sounds at best a stroppy needy teenager and at worst, some kind of desperate puppy dog.

I could be wrong but he will find fault with whatever you do because it sounds like he wants out to me and he is going to lay all the blame firmly at your door.

Your turn to give attention, what the hell does that even mean, is he actually a grown up or some kind of spoilt little brat.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 25-May-17 15:01:35

The more you write the worse it sounds.
He's a nasty abusive bully.
Even if you paid all your attention to him and no-one else, it still wouldn't be enough.
He would move the goal posts again.
The fact you feel like you do really highlights what a manipulator he is.
He doesn't give a shit how you feel.
Please do leave him.
This will never improve. You will live the next 10 years like this and wonder WTF you didn't get out sooner.
Don't be that person. That settles and tries to change herself.

You are not responsible for another adults happiness.
You really aren't.

Please do get the book 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft.
It might be a real eye opener for you.
This really does sound very abusive!

Joysmum Thu 25-May-17 15:05:49

Holy cow that's ridiculous, this isn't turn taking in the playground!

How has he adapted to meet your needs in the past and now?

My dh and I are like chalk and cheese but don't take turns or see pleasing the other as a sacrifice.

He really doesn't sound very niceemotionally mature. His reasoning is illogical and suppressive. You're failing to see he's unreasonable.

Notwittyenough Thu 25-May-17 15:09:12

In the past I have told him about things he does that I don't like and that upset me. Some of them are things he probably shouldn't have done int eh first place ( he used to always try to make me jealous and stuff like that) He has tried to stop doing them. This is the only thing he has ever asked of me and I have never done it for him, probably not ever really even tried. He said the other night how he's always changing for me, and I said that most of the stuff I shouldn't have used to ask for in the first place. He said he shouldn't have to ask for this either

Ellisandra Thu 25-May-17 15:33:11

I find your posts quite confusing.
I think he's making specific demands of you sexually that you're not happy with?
And then dressing that up as you not giving him "attention"?
I'm sorry, but your use of the word attention is confusing.

TBH, I am reading between the lines that you're (subconsciously?) not ready to say what he wants you to do physically because a tiny inner voice is already screaming - no, he is wrong. And if you come out with it, that little voice knows everyone here is going to agree with it - with you.

That this is bad, that he is horrible to you, that you should leave.
It can be really scary being told - and telling yourself - that it's time to leave.

He has NO right to bully or coerce you into any kind of sex. He sounds awful and you sound like you no longer know which way is up after his abuse.

Would you talk to Women's Aid?

FrogFairy Thu 25-May-17 15:43:37

This fighting thing sounds like a fetish which would be fine if you were both into it, but not fun if it is not your thing.

I strongly suspect that nothing you do will ever be good enough for him and I would be leaving if it were me.

sosotiredhadenough Thu 25-May-17 16:00:21

OP - my ex was just as you described. In the end it got so bad he would kiss me & then say I wasn't putting enough feeling into the kiss - which I wasn't because he was forcing me to kiss him.
We had sex nearly every night because he needed to connect with me at the of the day despite us working together.
I sat too far away from him on the sofa.
Didn't talk to me for a week because my tone of voice when asking a question wasn't loving enough.
I wasn't allowed to see my friends because he said he didn't need anyone but me so why do I need friends ?

18 months on my own I have never been happier apart from the fact that he is STILL trying to control me but I'm stronger now & rise above it.

Good luck

BubblingUp Thu 25-May-17 16:50:10

"Attention" is so vague. Does he want you to sit and stare at him?
Sounds like he is just trying to manipulate you to be in control. You seem indifferent and independent and he doesn't like that. He wants you needy.

writingsonthewall Thu 25-May-17 17:14:23

He sounds absolutely awful sad

Who has got enough energy to never just sit and relax and just be, but to constantly have to show someone how much you love them without a break. He just sounds ridiculous and tiring and childish and pretty controlling too. He wants more sex seems to be a part of this but he's getting a reasonable amount by most people's standards.

He won't change. It's my first ltb I'm afraid.

isitjustme2017 Thu 25-May-17 18:19:01

This guy is an attention seeking toddler. He is emotionally abusing you and you can't see it.
He is constantly demanding attention and trying to make you feel bad all the time. Reminding you of the things he has changed so you MUST do the same.
He wants to reject you so you can fight for him - that is abuse OP. I had an ex like this. He used to enjoy rejecting me for the fun of it, watch me get upset and then eventually stop it when it suited him.
Tell him to fuck right off.

Naicehamshop Thu 25-May-17 19:00:32

You do not have to stay in a relationship that's making you extremely unhappy. Repeat. And repeat again.

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