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How to catch him in his lie?

(309 Posts)
AngeloMysterioso Wed 24-May-17 02:46:25

Have NC to avoid outage (I was bored with my old one anyway).

My DP was out this evening until quarter to 12. He told me he was going with his best man to get him measured for his wedding suit after work (our wedding is less than 2 months away)- fair enough. Then at about 20 past 8 he txt me saying that his colleagues 'managed to convince' him to join them for a drink when he was finished so he'd be home a bit later. Again not a problem.

Here's where it gets tricky- I have him as a contact on the find my friends app on my phone, so can pretty much see where he is at any given time, as long as he's got phone signal. It's been like that ever since I used an old phone of his whilst waiting for a replacement for mine, but I'm fairly sure he's forgotten all about it. I don't keep tabs on him or anything, as I've never had a reason to think I needed to, but this evening as it got later and later I'd have a quick look every now and then, just so I'd have a bit of warning when he was on his way home so I could tidy up and hide my stash of chocolate

He'd been on the south bank most of the evening, so when I saw that he'd headed to Waterloo station a bit before 11 I figured he was making his way home. Sure enough at 25 to 12 he popped up again at the tube station near us and I got a message from him saying he was almost home.

When he got home I asked him how his evening had been and which pub he'd gone to, he told me that he'd been at a pub in the City, round the corner from his office and he'd missed the 5 past 11 overground so had to wait for the 11:20. Which I knew was a complete lie. So while he was brushing his teeth I had a glance at his messages and saw that he'd been for a drink with a former (female) colleague of his that I know he used to have quite a flirtation with. I can't remember what the message he sent her was exactly but it was something about how he'd been worrying about having that conversation with her.

The problem is I can't call him out on his lie without telling him how I know he was lying, which even though it wasn't coming from a place of mistrust will still look pretty bad. And also then he'll obviously delete FMF which has come in as a handy warning system in the past!
So what do I do? I really don't know how to handle this. I don't think he's been cheating on me with this woman- there was one dodgy set of messages on fb (again wasn't snooping, we share an iPad and he was logged in, they came up on notifications) some time before Christmas when he said he felt the same way and it was all he could do not to kiss her too. I brushed it away as drunk talk (he came home hammered that night) but I am concerned about an EA or something like that.
So how do I get him to come clean about where he was?

AngeloMysterioso Wed 24-May-17 02:48:56

Also, FWIW, DP has invited this woman - along with a bunch of other former colleagues from the same company - to the evening reception of our wedding.

saffronwblue Wed 24-May-17 02:52:18

Um I think he has already crossed a line with the lying and flirtation you know about. I wouldn' t marry him without having a big open talk - what are you going to do to get the trust back into your relationship?

Crispmonster1 Wed 24-May-17 02:52:59

If your having to keel tracks on him perhaps re think the wedding?

Offred Wed 24-May-17 02:54:52

I don't think you should marry him.

You need to tell him you know about his innapropriate relationship with OW and ask him to explain himself.

Don't explain yourself to him. TBH I think you should dump him.

user1491572121 Wed 24-May-17 03:15:30

You don't want to tell him you know he lied because then you'll lose your "Handy warning system"

This is NO way to begin a marriage.

There's no trust! Why marry someone you want a warning system for??

OP you need to tell him you know. You also need to reconsider marrying him.

LedaP Wed 24-May-17 03:21:41

Please dont get married.

You dont trust him and they may be justified.

But snooping on someone is no way to live. I dont believe for a second this is the first timr you snooped or so you could hide chocolate wrappers.

Sphygmomanometer Wed 24-May-17 03:42:09

If it was innocent he wouldn't have lied about where he was.

Just ask him why he lied, don't mention FMF or give details of how you know.

jouu Wed 24-May-17 03:48:38

Op you really need to postpone the wedding at the very least. This stinks to high heaven.

NightWanderer Wed 24-May-17 03:54:43

Just ask him straight up if he was with her tonight. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If he asks how you know, you don't have to answer. The problem with trust is that once it's broken it's very hard to get back. I suspect you'll spend your whole marriage wondering if he's telling the truth. Do you really want to be the kind of person who has to constantly snoop and check up on her partner?

troodiedoo Wed 24-May-17 04:03:12

No point having a handy warning system if you're just going to ignore it. Bit masochistic that.

He's lying about going for a drink with ow. You need to address that. Soon.

funkyup Wed 24-May-17 04:11:03

Be brave and just ask him why he lied. It really doesn't matter at this stage how you know. BUT if this isn't the first time you've checked up on him and challenged his story of events he might be lying to prevent a confrontation about something entirely innocent.

Your gut is telling you one thing but Your heart doesn't want to believe what could be going on here because you love him.

I think you might be lying to yourself about how much you trust him though.

daisychain01 Wed 24-May-17 04:44:20

I love the mindset of someone worried about deception who feels the need to have to hide their chocolate wrappers!

It isn't exactly a 'marriage made in heaven' if you have to waste time and energy tracking him on mobile phones. What life are you setting up for yourself?

CiliatedEpithelium Wed 24-May-17 05:01:23

I think I would sit him down and look him in the eye and tell him you know he lied. I would tell him that I saw the message about the kiss too and would he please tell me what is going on. If he asks how you know, tell him it's not important and you want an answer to your questions. If he persists in knowing the tech of it. I would walk away and be done with it as he is deflecting and not getting it. This is huge.

toopeoply Wed 24-May-17 05:07:27

Yep, I'd ask him too. Just say someone saw him with her or something... I don't how you could have kept the messages to yourself, I'd have gone crazy. Final fling before he settles down?

Chloe84 Wed 24-May-17 05:11:14

Better to lose the warning system FMF rather than keep quiet and marry a man who lies to you and who is potentially having an affair or EA.

user1486956786 Wed 24-May-17 05:20:32

Don't tell him about the location tracking. Just say about the text you saw? Or start with asking who was he out with?

The messages before Christmas don't sound great for someone who's due to get married, did you not say something to him then?

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 24-May-17 05:54:54

You have evidence in form of a text. Confront him but don't let on about the tracking. Surely you'd rather know than marry a man, who you believe to be confused about his feelings for another woman, who also may have feelings for him. Don't waste your life with someone, who isn't choosing you.

HappyJanuary Wed 24-May-17 06:02:14

You would be a fool to marry someone capable of lying to you so outrageously before you are even married.

There will be more to this than you know - more flirting, texts and meetings.

You need to tell him that you know where he was and who he was with. Could you imply he was spotted if you don't want to admit to looking at his phone or using fmf?

WannaBe Wed 24-May-17 06:19:44

Even if he'd been telling the truth about where he'd been, the bottom line is that you don't trust him and feel the need to snoop on him at regular intervals. This is not the basis for the beginning of a marriage. If the trust is gone then the relationship is over.

I have the find my friends app on my phone as does my DP and DS. I occasionally use it to see where DS is if he's late home or out so I don't need to bombard him with calls/messages etc if I want to know iyswim, and it was invaluable last year when I was rushed to hospital during the day and DS used it to track where I was. But that's it. I don't need to snoop on my dp or DS, it's a handy app when needed but that's all. And ultimately, we all know each other has it, relying on someone forgetting about its existance is pretty bad.

ITooHaveBeenThere Wed 24-May-17 06:31:02

Oh dear... why on earth would you have ignored those messages you saw and written it off as him just being drunk?

This is not a situation that is going to get any better. If he is doing this now, whilst you are planning your wedding (!) what do you think it's going to be like 5 years down the line?

Cricrichan Wed 24-May-17 07:22:39

Err drunk talk about hardly being able to control himself and not kiss her? What kind of flirtation did he have with this woman? Was it before you got together? He lied about where he was and with who. Why would he like if it was all innocent? Is his phone unlocked? Do you have children/joint mortgage etc?

FluffyWhiteTowels Wed 24-May-17 07:23:19

Or after the flirtatious messages when he was drunk, she may have been tying to rekindle something and he met her to explain that he would never cheat on you.

That to me may explain the 'worrying about having that conversation with you'

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Wed 24-May-17 07:30:58

You aren't married yet and he is being unfaithful already. .

Call it off and find someone you won't need to check up on.

DownTownAbbey Wed 24-May-17 07:31:25

You seem to be under reacting OP. I would not have agreed to have her at my wedding after the first 'we nearly kissed' texts.

Apart from being careless with his phone he seems very calm and relaxed whilst being up to no good and planning to get married, all at the same time.

Don't marry someone you know is untrustworthy.

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