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How would you feel if mother-in-law told husband he should not have anymore children?

(26 Posts)
Downyander Tue 23-May-17 23:11:38

Well to start me and my husband have one child and now I am at the point I have quit hoping for another because I am over 40. For the last couple of years I did try to convince my husband of the joy and great things another would bring to our family. During that time husband admitted to me my mother-in-law said if she was him she would not have anymore babies. My husband would just say to me I need more time because his mother was widowed and said she felt alone and having a hard time with her spouses death. I can understand this but at the same time I felt like I was and did give up part of my life for my mother-in-law. I paid for a home before me and my husband got married and he has never had to pay one house payment in his life. I did quit my job when our only child was born as we both agreed on because I wanted to put my energy in to raising a family. I went from loving my mother-in-law to having to see her because I have to. I had a big heart about life and this has changed my views on a lot of issues. It was my husbands choice not to have another child but it was my mother-in-laws words to. I thought several times as she ages I would help take care of her and maybe go as far as move her in with us if needed. Now all I have is hurt and resentment toward her that I bottle up inside and would never agree for her to move in our home. How do you ever get over something like this?

NotISaidTheWalrus Tue 23-May-17 23:13:40

It's not your mil you should be mad at, its your DH. And yourself.

ImperialBlether Tue 23-May-17 23:14:31

I think you have to separate out your MIL's from your husband's thoughts and actions. She could think whatever she wanted; it's only when it impacts his actions that it matters.

Why did he never pay anything, btw?

Downyander Tue 23-May-17 23:23:38

I had a home that I bought before me and my husband met and paid payments on it during our dating relationship so it was paid for before our marriage. My mother-in-law was even upset one of those years that my husband could not take her out on valentines day because he had plans with me.

Ellisandra Tue 23-May-17 23:39:53

It's got nothing to do with your MIL - though I understand you not liking her sticking her oar in with that opinion!

It has been your husband's choice not to have another child, not hers.

Offred Wed 24-May-17 01:08:08

I don't think the baby issue is to do with your MIL either.

Your husband didn't want more children and didn't tell you very clearly or explain why he felt that way.

If you are older parents to the one you have then I can sympathise with him not wanting more even if I think he has behaved shittily in not explaining things to you.

I also think it sounds like your DH is rather codependent with his overbearing mother.

But it seems like you are resentful re the house. You have no right to be as you married him, let him move in and allowed him not to contribute.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 24-May-17 01:13:04

Your husband hasn't been man enough to cut the umbilical cord attaching himself to his mum. He is putting her first, when he should be putting you, his wife, first. The question is, how long are you going to put up with it?

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 24-May-17 01:17:59

FIL told DH not to have any more after DD was born. It was ultimately DH's decision that he didn't want to. However, I think it was shitty of FIL to say that.

littlejeopardy Wed 24-May-17 01:21:09

I can understand your disappointment but I think that if the mother son relationship is healthy that it is natural for even adult children to take their parent's advice into account. I know that I still consult my parents on a lot of things.

SandyY2K Wed 24-May-17 01:21:14

She can express her thoughts to him, but it was his choice not to have another child.

He also has to put you before her, when it comes to valentine's day.

I'm guessing he's an only child. That's one of the reasons I'm not keen on only child families, because you get all the elderly parental hassle to deal with by yourself.

Though not every MIL is like this, but many are not especially with their only son.

I suppose they can be that way with an only daughter, except men don't tend to complain about it quite so much.

LedaP Wed 24-May-17 03:27:04

I dont think its a shitty thing to say, its an opinion. She gave her opinion but it was ultimately his decision.

I dont really get what the house has got to do with it. It sounds like you are saying he should have agreed to another, because you already owned a house when you got together. Which doesnt make sense.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 24-May-17 03:31:28

I'm sure we all have opinions that we keep to ourselves because we know better. Some, generally unkind, people feel the need to tell everyone every opinion they have. Because their opinions are more important than other people's feelings. Shitty.

Downyander Wed 24-May-17 03:44:35

I guess I just felt like since I put forth paying for a home and being in good standing with no payments on anything I should of had more say in the having another child. I paid for the home and after we were married for awhile put the home in his name along with mine to make it as much his as mine. He really did not care if I paid for it or not because he never liked having bills. I know you cant make somebody feel something they dont about having children but this has learned me to never have input in our childs life about how many children he should have. I think the only time an in law or my parents should voice their opinion about that is if the child is being abused. I hope I can say to my son you and your wife should make the decisions on that subject when he grows up.

LedaP Wed 24-May-17 03:51:47

The house really has nothing to do with having more children and certainly doesnt mean you get more of a say.

I find this quite odd tbh. Lots of people talk to their parents about big life choices. From what i can see she gave her opinion which matched what he wanted too. But HE decided not to have anymore.

It was his decision. If her opinion has such a huge impact on him, that it made his mind up for him.....then you have bigger problems

chipmonkey Wed 24-May-17 03:57:48

If and when my ds's decide to have children, I will not be sticking my oar in. I might have an opinion but at the end of the day it will be up to them and their dp's. Having children is an emotive decided at the best of times without other people interfering. I am widowed as well FWIW and yes, it has been a difficult year for us since dh died but I am trying my damnedest to enable the boys to carry on with their lives.

CleverNever Wed 24-May-17 04:16:58

Do you honestly think her opinion affected your husband's thoughts about a second child? Surely he is adult enough to form his own view based on a wide range of factors, not just what his mum thinks? If he isn't then he is the person you should be angry with. My own parents both told me they thought we should just have one child after our first was born. I smiled, as I knew they were reflecting on their own experience as parents of three, which they found difficult. And then my husband and I made our own decision and had another.

People will have opinions on your life and will sometimes share them with you whether you like it or not. They have the right to do so even though it can be annoying. You and your husband make your own decisions. I don't think you should blame your mil for your husband not wanting another child.

Atenco Wed 24-May-17 06:26:16

It would be a sad day when we cannot chat to our children about things for fear that they will automatically make their life choices based on our opinions.

Phoebefromfriends Wed 24-May-17 06:33:59

I don't really understand the whole house thing? Are you saying that you bought the house therefore he should give you children? It doesn't work like that. He sounds like a complete man-child. You say he doesn't like to pay bills, find me someone who does? Frankly all of that would have put me off. You need to talk to him honestly about how you feel and what you want. After that conversation you can make an informed decision, but honestly this relationship sounds toxic. Is the house still in his name? You say it was for a while, does that mean you keep wielding it over him to try and control him?

Whatalready Wed 24-May-17 08:36:56

I understand OP. You are a strong and independent lady. You have worked and paid off your mortgage early in life. I'm sure it gave you a great deal of satisfaction and deservedly so. You are probably used to making your own decisions on important matters and you love being a mum.
You are not well matched in your partner. He is a man child, likes you to take care of him, doesn't want stress (bills or babies). He is not going to change now if he is also 40+. You know all this. And you know that if you split up he will be entitled to half your house. But, annoying as that would be, you are young enough to work at paying off a mortgage again.
You shouldn't think that you are too late to have a baby. I had mine at 45. I have plenty of energy and it's fantastic! Yes you may have to use donor sperm and possibly donor egg but if the overwhelming urge is there to have a baby you absolutely can.
Only you know what you want but I suspect you are disappointed by the dead weights you have around you.

MrsDustyBusty Wed 24-May-17 08:47:26

Maybe in telling him he wasn't fit for more kids his mother was right. He doesn't sound like a man who is up to much.

Changedname3456 Wed 24-May-17 14:57:39

Hang on a sec with all the bloody man-child shit. Yes she paid off her mortgage, but she says herself that she gave up work after they had DC and is, I assume, not working now. Presumably the household doesn't run on fresh air, so it's money he's now earning which pays the other bills.

And I am also assuming that guy had rent and other bills to pay whilst they were dating - why would he have paid her mortgage then? Would any of you ever recommend that a non-married person pays in to a mortgage on a property they have no ownership interest in? Because the answer on every other thread I've read with that sort of question has been "hell no!"

Changedname3456 Wed 24-May-17 15:00:27

As for the second child, surely "my body, my choice" applies to men too? He might have been a bit shit about communicating that to OP, and may even have hid behind his Mother's opinion, but it was still ultimately his choice to make.

OP - as other pps have said, any "blame" for that is on your DH, not your MiL.

Oblomov17 Wed 24-May-17 15:05:56

My mum expressed her concerns about me having a 2nd child. She had many valid reasons. I did have a 2nd. I don't hold a grudge against her. She may even be right. I find 2 very hard.

Your resentment is misplaced. And more fool you for not having a second, talking to your husband about it and talking to your mil about it.

Now you can barely bare to see her? hmm

AyeAmarok Wed 24-May-17 16:14:30

You have very mixed up thinking OP. Having a good job that allows you to buy your own home doesn't allow you to dictate how many children he has. Can you imagine this in reverse?

Having said that, it actually sounds like you have two children already.

Downyander Wed 24-May-17 19:46:33

My husband does pay the everyday bills now but no car or house payments. When we dated he lived in an older home that was his familys and had no rent payments. He has never had to pay rent or anything like that. I dont work now as we both agreed when we had our son but I saved money in my retirement accounts while working so I do have a nest egg at that age. I know my husband is the decision maker in having another child not his mother but knowing she said those things does not help me want to be close to her. I guess I wanted our only child to have a sibling more than anything but me alone cant make that happen.

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