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Do you think you can get a spark back?

(78 Posts)
imightneedsocks Tue 23-May-17 21:50:18

I have another thread going at the moment but this is a slightly different (if very relevant) topic.

I'm due to get married in December however I feel like I don't have any spark left with DP. We did have a spark at the beginning of the relationship but this has now gone for me.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about why and it seems to be a combination of...

- Personal hygiene: he doesn't have awful personal hygiene but equally it could be better, obviously this can be off putting

- Irritating/unsexy habits: he doesn't carry tissues and often has a 'bat in the cave' IYSWIM. I have to point this out to him around once a week and it makes me feel like his mother. He also wees on the toilet seat which is not exactly sexy and again, makes me feel like his mother to tell him off about it

- He had a long period (10 months) of unemployment where I felt like he was becoming a bit of a cocklodger. He is now working but this period hasn't helped, again, made me feel more like his mother than an equal partner

I'm contemplating at the moment whether we can work through this or whether I need to call the wedding off. He will be devastated if I call it off and I'm horrified at the thought of hurting him like that.

Can you get back on track?

Mistletoekids Tue 23-May-17 21:51:27

[😬

Mistletoekids Tue 23-May-17 21:52:13

Not sure. Sorry doesn't sound great but then you've just listed the bad things in isolation. Hopefully some redeeming qualities! cake

Mistletoekids Tue 23-May-17 21:52:43

Have you talked to him about it?

MuvaWifey77 Tue 23-May-17 21:58:03

OP. I think once things like that start to become an issue , then there's not much love there really.... I think maybe you need bonding , remember why you fell in love and get some of that back. So things everyday problems can be solved without getting in the way of romance ... x

missiondecision Tue 23-May-17 22:03:10

What does he have going fo him?
No one is perfect.

imightneedsocks Tue 23-May-17 22:03:25

The good points:

- He's a loyal, caring, honest, kind man

- He's a feminist and respects me as his equal and doesn't have a problem with me earning a lot more than him

- He isn't afraid of commitment, he very much wants to get married and stay so for life and have children

- We have similar values in most respects

- I feel comfortable around him, I can always be myself around him.

- He's affectionate and compliments me and tells me he loves me every day (multiple times)

- He does his share of household chores

ImperialBlether Tue 23-May-17 22:05:08

Oh fucking hell, OP, you can't POSSIBLY be thinking of marrying him! He can't even wipe his own nose! Ugh, ugh, UGH!!!!

Please don't marry him.

imightneedsocks Tue 23-May-17 22:05:09

We've talked about the lack of sex a few times...previously I put it down to a side effect of my antidepressants though so the conversation was different.

Now I think it's the lack of spark/attraction on my side thats the real issue.

Any ideas on how to have a conversation with someone about a lack of spark/attraction without hurting their self esteem?

PoppinsMoppins Tue 23-May-17 22:11:48

Honestly, he sounds lovely!

Most men, in my experience do the things you have said (wee on the seat etc) but are still lovely.

I think the issue may be that you are looking for the negative in him and trying to find a reason not to marry him. Could it be that you just don't love him anymore?

I'm not judging at all, and it is perfectly normal. I just think you need to be really honest with yourself about what it is you want. Because if you marry him without loving him he will end up more unhappy than if you end it, even if it crushes him now.

flowers for you

Lonelymom888 Tue 23-May-17 22:17:02

Honestly you must think twice before marrying him. Imagine this, can you spend the rest of your life with him if he cannot change at all? If you can, then go ahead. If you feel that you cannot then you must rethink again. People cannot change easily, think of it as a bonus if he can, but you must be able to accept it if he just can't. Can you stay in this sparkless relationship until the end of your life?

imightneedsocks Tue 23-May-17 22:17:37

I know this sounds like a basic question, but Ive confused myself and am now unsure of everything...

How do you know if you're in love with someone?

I love him...how do I know if I'm in love with him? What does that mean in practice?

OhTheRoses Tue 23-May-17 22:27:28

If you have to ask you aren't in love. Sorry op. He's a frog, maybe a nice croaky green frog but he isn't your prince. If he were, you wouldn't be posting. X

Lonelymom888 Tue 23-May-17 22:27:34

I don't know myself.. i am married for 4 years and now I regret it. The spark has gone since the second year of marriage and currently I feel just like faking myself everyday. Feels so lonely and sad and think that I shouldn't have married him..

I thought I loved him thus I married him, but now I know I was so wrong. We are just not compatible to each other, we have different hobbies and mindset, and it makes the feeling fades away little by little everyday until nothing is left. I don't want you to feel any regret so please think it over and over before deciding.

GladysKnight Tue 23-May-17 22:28:31

I don't think you need to be 'in love' with your husband. I honestly can't remember if I felt 'in love' with my dh by the time we married. I think 'in love' is just for the early phase.

But - you do sound more as though you've already been married 30 years than are still engaged. I think really you should still be thinking he's the bees knees unless you have already lived happily together for a number of years and are getting married now because you really want to, warts and all.

It doesn't sound as though you do really want to be married to this guy.

How would you feel if he decided to end it with you? Relief? Or would you actually be gutted?

My dh has many good points too. However, he has several bad ones which irked me but I thought were nothing I couldn't live with. A decade and 3dc later and I do have regrets. I adore the dc and would never want to be without them but.... I do wish I'd paid attention to the warning signs and not blithely carried on and ignored my feeling that I would probably never be quite how I wanted it to be...

*It not i

imightneedsocks Tue 23-May-17 22:43:46

I don't know.

I keep changing my mind...at any given time I think I could feel relief or I could feel gutted.

I also wonder what I'm doing thinking about throwing away a relationship with a kind, lovely man who adores me and wants marriage for life and children when I'm nearly 35.

I feel like that might be crazy?

But is it equally crazy to get married with doubts?

I'm scared I'll regret getting married and I'm also scared I'll regret throwing everything away. sad

imightneedsocks Tue 23-May-17 22:45:49

@DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep

What if, in the parallel universe where you called time on your relationship before you got married you ended up being single, a bit lonely and either not having children or having one alone via sperm donor.

Which path would you choose?

Badliar Tue 23-May-17 22:47:13

I think it will get worse. Even if he starts blowing his nose it won't help will it. I really wouldn't marry him of you feel like this.

Tiredofstruggling1 Tue 23-May-17 22:50:58

You are losing respect for him and he for you and that is a huge red flag. Don't marry or have kids unless there is genuine love there.

Lonelymom888 Tue 23-May-17 22:54:52

Do not marry because of age and afraid of being alone. Been there done that and now regretting it big time.

imightneedsocks Tue 23-May-17 22:54:53

We have a rare long weekend together this weekend so I think I need to talk to him about everything and see where we end up.

I'm speaking to a couple of people who know me best over the next few days to get a bit more insight and counsel from people who know me inside out.

I feel so very confused. This is all I've wanted for years and years (marriage to a decent man) and now I have it I'm contemplating giving it up.

I genuinely don't know if this is a 'listen to your gut' moment or if I just have commitment issues I need to get over sad

chocatoo Tue 23-May-17 22:55:19

I think you might regret if you walk away without first trying harder to reconnect with your DP...he has many good qualities and no one is perfect. How about just enjoying life for a few months and not worrying what the future holds.

imightneedsocks Tue 23-May-17 22:58:18

Thanks @chocatoo.

I think that's a good point. I feel like I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to make a decision imminently because I don't want either of our parents to spend money and then call it off.

So far, I'm the only one that has spent money but perhaps I should at least give myself a month or so to relax and work on things rather than pressure myself to make a snap decision. Not least because it is winding me up in to a state of despair and I might make the wrong decision that way.

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