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My wife says lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands. Is that right

(200 Posts)
stephied Tue 23-May-17 20:52:54

I am a guy, but I wanted to ask a question, because I know this board is mostly read by women, and I wanted to get a female perspective on a problem I have.

My marriage has been largely sexless for 6/7 years. By that, I mean we average once every 5/6 weeks. When we do have sex, it is very dull. Always on a Sat night, from about 10.20 to 10.40. If I try and make it a bit more interesting – say by buying some massage oil – my wife bats it away.

I have tried to talk to her about it. She is initially sympathetic, but then says huffily ‘Well, lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands completely.’ Her point, I suppose is that I should be grateful if we manage it 9/10 times a year.

A bit on our situation, for some context.

I think I am a pretty good husband. We have 3 kids, 2 girls, one boy. Married 15 years. I provide well for her – big house, two nice cars, kids at great schools (mix of private and state), no money worries, luxury holidays, etc. I also do 50%-plus of the childcare. I run my own (pretty successful) company, so I have a lot of flexibility, while she has re-trained and now works 4 days a week, 3 in the office. I earn 3 to 4 times as much as she does, but I don’t object to the amount of childcare I have to do, although it sometimes seems unfair – being the principle parent (I take the day off if one of the kids is sick for example) is stressful when you also have to earn most of the money (we couldn’t begin to live on what she earns). We moved to York 10 years ago, and I know she found it hard to settle. But apart from that I don’t think she really has anything to complain about.

But I am really struggling with the lack of sex. I get spells of depression, for example, which I think are related to that. As I said, I have tried to talk to her about it several times. If I do, it might get better for a couple of weeks. After that, it just slips back into the same old pattern. I have tried to counselling, but she always found excuses to stop it.

Some of my mates tell me I should just visit an escort occasionally. Or have an affair. But I don’t really want to do that. Or I could leave her, but I think it would devastate the kids.

What should I do?

Is my situation normal?

Is she right that she is better than most wives?

If not, is there anything I can say to her that might make her feel this was a problem we needed to address?

Thanks.

oleoleoleole Tue 23-May-17 20:56:56

Maybe lots of women do I don't know. Certainly sex might become less regular as you get older.

I appreciate the information about you,providing etc. What about her needs? Do you communicate well? Is she bored, fed up, has she stopped fancying you, met someone else? Lots of,questions and I think you both need to be frank with each other to find a solution.

Fliptophead Tue 23-May-17 20:57:48

Of course some women refuse to have sex with their husbands if they don't want to have sex. confusedhmm do you think they should have sex they don't want to make someone happy?

There's is nothing wrong with refusing sex. If you want more sex you have the right to ask her why she doesn't want to have sex and see if there are medical issues that need addressing. You do not have the right to make demands, cheat or see escorts (still cheating and morally reprehensible). If you're just sexually incompatible then you need to decide if you want to stay in the relationship

annandale Tue 23-May-17 20:59:55

As I understand it you are in a sexless marriage (10 x a year or less). Tbh it doesn't really matter what other wives do, if you aren't happy with your own sexual expression. There are plenty of husbands who refuse their wives sex (see other threads) - so what?

Does she love you,is she angry with you, does she fancy you? Therapy for the relationship may sort out the sexual side,or at least allow you to part amicably. Don't stay in a relationship that makes you depressed.

elelfrance Tue 23-May-17 21:00:15

There are people that have less sex than you. There are people who have lots more. There is no 'normal', just what's normal for you and your wife

That said, the fact that you're not happy about it means that you and your wife need to talk...a lot...I'm sure you don't want her lying back and thinking of Britain to keep you happy, so what would make her want more? The tropes like sexy underwear/massages etc are usually not helpful...you really need to understand what's stopping her...tiredness? Lack of self confidence? Was this always the case or was there a time after the first flush of dating when you were having more sex? If so what changed?

NapQueen Tue 23-May-17 21:03:24

When we do have sex, it is very dull how fun for her.

I provide well for her how 1950s. She works too you know. Money, cars holidays etc arent the be all and end all. Maybe you are dull. Maybe you arent kind or funny.

But apart from that I don’t think she really has anything to complain about but do you know? Have you had a heart to heart about her life and feelings? Or is it always about the lack of sex?

I run my own (pretty successful) company, so I have a lot of flexibility yet you complain about having to use that flexibility to care for your own children.

I get spells of depression, for example, which I think are related to that have you seen your GP or a therapist about your depression? Are you assuming its down to monthly/six weekly sex? So are you saying her low libido is the reason for your depression? Maybe she is depressed at living in a city she doesnt want to be in? Is that important to you?



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My wife says lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands. Is that right1
Today 20:52 stephied

I am a guy, but I wanted to ask a question, because I know this board is mostly read by women, and I wanted to get a female perspective on a problem I have.

My marriage has been largely sexless for 6/7 years. By that, I mean we average once every 5/6 weeks. When we do have sex, it is very dull. Always on a Sat night, from about 10.20 to 10.40. If I try and make it a bit more interesting – say by buying some massage oil – my wife bats it away.

I have tried to talk to her about it. She is initially sympathetic, but then says huffily ‘Well, lots of women refuse to have sex with their husbands completely.’ Her point, I suppose is that I should be grateful if we manage it 9/10 times a year.

A bit on our situation, for some context.

I think I am a pretty good husband. We have 3 kids, 2 girls, one boy. Married 15 years. I provide well for her – big house, two nice cars, kids at great schools (mix of private and state), no money worries, luxury holidays, etc. I also do 50%-plus of the childcare. I run my own (pretty successful) company, so I have a lot of flexibility, while she has re-trained and now works 4 days a week, 3 in the office. I earn 3 to 4 times as much as she does, but I don’t object to the amount of childcare I have to do, although it sometimes seems unfair – being the principle parent (I take the day off if one of the kids is sick for example) is stressful when you also have to earn most of the money (we couldn’t begin to live on what she earns). We moved to York 10 years ago, and I know she found it hard to settle. But apart from that I don’t think she really has anything to complain about.

But I am really struggling with the lack of sex. I get spells of depression, for example, which I think are related to that. As I said, I have tried to talk to her about it several times. If I do, it might get better for a couple of weeks. After that, it just slips back into the same old pattern. I have tried to counselling, but she always found excuses to stop it.

Some of my mates tell me I should just visit an escort occasionally. Or have an affair. But I don’t really want to do that interesting end to that sentence. I dont really want to do that. You should be aghast at their suggestion. Or leave her if its that bad.

Or I could leave her, but I think it would devastate the kids kids are resillient and no one should stay in a marriage they dont want to be in. If you arent happy with your wife, leave her. End the marriage. She is who she is and you are who you are. Fucking own your feelings instead of blaming her or the children.

Ive probably got more points to make on your post but I think ive said enough.

Mistletoekids Tue 23-May-17 21:03:47

I don't know that it's "normal" but I also don't think it's unusual either.
My advice would be to stop talking about why she doesn't want it, and start wooing her instead. Like you just met. Perhaps she's just stuck in a rut and become disinterested. Familiarity and fatigue will do that, even though sounds like you do a lot at home life with kids and work is still tiring.
Good luck

Deathisme Tue 23-May-17 21:03:53

I don't hear anything in your original post about meeting her emotional needs... Connect with her mind & you'll have all the sex you want.

summerblues Tue 23-May-17 21:04:00

You talk alot about how good a husband you are but nothing about how much you love your wife or how much you fancy her. Do you communicate how much you appreciate/desire her? Or discuss what she might want? Its sounding all about your needs from your post..

TheNaze73 Tue 23-May-17 21:04:19

I'd leave her. What's the point?

NapQueen Tue 23-May-17 21:04:37

Didnt mean to repost the whole bloody OP within my message.

Out2pasture Tue 23-May-17 21:05:05

I would think there is a huge range of frequency.
How exhausted is she? although it sounds like a lovely lifestyle it may be hard work coordinating everything.
different people will approach the issue in different ways. I guess you need to start by sitting down with her and discussing your needs and seeing if she is willing to work with you on this issue.

JK1773 Tue 23-May-17 21:05:49

Sounds like a good provider etc but are you sure there isn't something you are doing that's upsetting her. Sometimes when there has been some pressure or sulking in the bedroom department it completely kills it. To the point where it becomes almost a battle of wills. If you have put pressure on her or complained about lack of sex it will make things worse for her. She'll feel obliged to do it just to shut you up. That's not healthy for either of you and can send you towards a downhill spiral. Never recovered from mine (although there were lots of other issues in the relationship). When I met my ex we had sex every night. The first night I said no he had a tantrum and looking back that killed our sex life stone dead (I'd had some personal issues with sex anyway). I stayed with him another 6 years thinking we could get over this part of our relationship and sort it out but we never ever did. This was only one of many reasons we ended though

ALaughAMinute Tue 23-May-17 21:07:26

Does the ten minutes include foreplay? If that's the case then your wife will be as frustrated as you are. No wonder she doesn't want to do it!

justdontevenfuckingstart Tue 23-May-17 21:07:43

Or I could leave her, but that would devastate the kids.

Or you, or her?

Not you tho probably.

WhereIsTheLikeButton Tue 23-May-17 21:08:43

Of course a lot of women refuse to have sex with their husbands, clearly because they don't want to... As women we should not have sex with our partners just for the sake of it.

Like others have said, you are only yapping on about yourself, you sound very self centered.

Maybe she doesn't find you attractive anymore??

HildaOg Tue 23-May-17 21:09:46

Maybe you're approaching it. Do you take her out to dinner and date her like you used to when you first started seeing her? How is your relationship without the sex? For most women there needs to be an emotional intimacy before they find sex appealing.

Look into couples therapy. If she's not prepared to do that or to try to fix the sex part of the relationship then you need to decide where to go next. Whether a discreet no strings affair or leaving her.

ALaughAMinute Tue 23-May-17 21:10:02

Sorry, just noticed that you said it lasts 20 mins.

Does she have an orgasm?

Shoxfordian Tue 23-May-17 21:11:37

Has your sex life always been like this or did you used to have more sex at the start of your relationship? I think you need to talk really honestly with your wife about how it affects you. Are you otherwise physically affectionate? I think sex therapy would help

MovingtoParadise Tue 23-May-17 21:15:12

Firstly you're marriage isn't sexless if you're doing it every month

You don't describe any other interesting intimacy - laughing, kissing, cuddling, having fun, baths together, dinner out, child free time, talking about your sex life, appreciating each other

If she doesn't want sex with you, ask why. Loads of women put up with low libido because they think it's another reason instead of a medical reason.

Does she still fancy you? Do you make her laugh? Is she cuddly and touchy with you?

AllotmentJunkie Tue 23-May-17 21:17:34

I recently read a book called the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman, it has made me look at my marriage and my husbands needs differently and he has changed a bit too. It might be of interest to you

Mysteriouscurle Tue 23-May-17 21:17:39

I sympathise with the lack of sex but what im hearing from you is very much about how you "provide" for her materially. Its not a transaction, ie you give her a good lifestyle and fancy holidays and she gives you lots of sex. She's not an escort. Does that attitude come across to her? Also not keen on you saying where you live and how long you've lived there. Youre not trying to "out" her are you? Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick

PaintingByNumbers Tue 23-May-17 21:18:01

what friends said about an escort/affair? real life friends? real people? or just you, preparing the ground for an affair? have you already been unfaithful?

Ineedagoodusername Tue 23-May-17 21:19:27

You provide for her? Don't think I would want to have sex with my husband either if that was his attitude.

Wolfiefan Tue 23-May-17 21:21:35

Lack of sex doesn't cause depression FFS.
Your whole post is about money and childcare. Nothing to do with feelings or love. That's probably why there's no sex? hmm
And once every few weeks may be much less than you want but it's not NO sex.

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