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DH had a ons, struggling to get over it

(51 Posts)
Raquel40 Tue 23-May-17 20:37:31

DH of 14 years had a ons whilst working away a couple of months ago.

He confessed a week after it happened, but I believe he only did because he thought he'd caught something of her and he had to go and have a full health check.

He seemed quite remorseful for a few days after telling me and I got flowers (only bloody time he buys me flowers) but this lasted a few days, and we have been in separate rooms since, the thought of having sex with him repulsis me now.

I am trying to work through this, mainly for the sake of our 2 DS who are still so young, but I am amazed at his lack of fucking empathy and if ever I mention that night he just rolls his eyes as if to say how dare you keep mentioning it. He is putting in hardly any effort to make things right, almost as if he's in la la land.

We are just like mates at best, and has never even asked if he can come back in the bedroom.

I'm just so confused. It's only been two months, why is he not bending over backwards to put things right?

ImperialBlether Tue 23-May-17 20:39:18

Because he's a useless, unfaithful prick.

From his behaviour I'd say that wasn't his first and wouldn't be his last infidelity.

You can do a lot better than this. A lot, lot better.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Tue 23-May-17 20:41:30

Likely he is still seeing her if he isn't trying to save your relationship. .

UnicornSparkles1 Tue 23-May-17 20:42:33

Because he's not sorry.

I'm sorry @Racquel40 flowers wine

BingBongBingBong Tue 23-May-17 20:43:56

Because he doesn't care enough to bend over backwards to put things right.

His behaviour towards you (putting the ONS to one side for a second) is appalling.

Is this something you can get over? You don't have to get over it. He is behaving like a prick and will probably do it again now that he's basically gotten away with it. You can definitely do so much better as Imperial has said.

Hermonie2016 Tue 23-May-17 20:44:34

It seems like he is taking you for granted and not respecting you.
His issues not yours.

You only have 2 choices, tolerate his behaviour, or ask him to leave.I don't think you should need to spell out that you are still hurting and it sounds like he doesn't care.

I'm so sorry, horrible situation to be in as you want him to fight for the relationship.

OlennasWimple Tue 23-May-17 20:46:36

To be honest, I would ask him to move out


P1nkP0ppy Tue 23-May-17 20:47:58

He's not sorry at all op, is he?
I bet he only confessed because he thought he might have an STI and infect you, and he'd have no qualms about doing it again. I wonder if that was the first?
You know the answer. Very sad 💐

mineofuselessinformation Tue 23-May-17 20:52:49

It sounds like you're doing all of the work to try to put things right.
That's not how it should be - he should be working his arse off to show you he's committed to your relationship.
If he's not doing that, it's because he doesn't want to.
I know that incredibly harsh to read, but, unless things change drastically, he's basically staying because it's easier for him.
Have a long hard think (that's why you posted isn't it?), and make a decision about what you want. flowers

EweAreHere Tue 23-May-17 20:54:57

Because he's not sorry.

He told you because he had to, possible STI.

That would make me wonder if it's the first time.

You have to decide if you can stay with someone who broke his vows to you, has no remorse, and will likely do it again.

Raquel40 Tue 23-May-17 20:59:40

Justmade, he was away in Finland and she was a local. I don't think he's texting her because he's not on his phone much.

He's already told me he won't move out and I can't make him leave apparently, unless he becomes violent which he wouldn't.

It does make me question if this was the first time, as he does work away a lot.

JaneEyre70 Tue 23-May-17 21:01:45

He's not sorry he did it OP, he's sorry he got caught. There's a world of difference.

TheLegendOfBeans Tue 23-May-17 21:02:37

Well he's broken your trust so YADNBU feeling the way you're feeling.

Factor in that he's finding your upset tiresome it's like a double whammy of him not giving a fuck.

Personally I'm not sure if my marriage would survive. Yes it was a ONS, but I believe that once the trust is broken it's so hard to repair. An unremorseful other half makes it near impossible.

I think he may have checked out of the relationship. His attitude speaks volumes.

You could both go to counselling yet again it'll be left to the little woman to provide a fix but I would consider a trial separation.

Space for you to trial life without a constant reminder of betrayal.

Space for him to evaluate what he has and what he stands to lose.

Good luck x

TheLegendOfBeans Tue 23-May-17 21:04:49

He's already told me he won't move out and I can't make him leave apparently

Ok, he really doesn't care and definitely thinks he's got away with this. What a cunt.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 23-May-17 21:05:01

Don't 'stay for the sake of the children'. It usually doesn't work the way you think it will. Children pick up on things and it's very likely they'll internalize the tension and blame themselves.

You need to decide if you want to stay FOR YOU. He's obviously not going to help you get over this, is he? So, do you want to do all the work and make all the compromises? Do you want to live with someone you can't trust? I sure as hell wouldn't!

DailyMailReadersAreThick Tue 23-May-17 21:09:02

I'd be making no effort at all to get over it. He doesn't respect you, so the relationship is already over.

Do you live in the UK, OP? Don't let him think you don't have options.

kittybiscuits Tue 23-May-17 21:09:41

I think you're done with him. And no wonder. He isn't going to be considerate at all so it will be a slog to leave him, but it will be worth it not to have someone so untrustworthy and inconsiderate in the middle of your life.

AnyFucker Tue 23-May-17 21:14:59

He doesn't give a shit about you

Why would you try to get over this ?

He has it made now. He can shag around as much as he likes and he still has you as live in housekeeper and nanny. Sweet.

Raquel40 Tue 23-May-17 21:16:20

Hi DailyMail, yes I live in UK.

I have been to a solicitor to get some free advice which is why I know I can't make him leave.

The thing is, he pulls all the strings because he earns his big salary whilst I'm a SAHM, probably why he thinks I won't leave him so he can act like a twat.

Shoxfordian Tue 23-May-17 21:17:01

Ltb. He's not sorry

BluePeppers Tue 23-May-17 21:17:27

Not only is he not sorry but he also doesn't think you will ever leave him.
And he thinks that using threats will be enough to scare you into submission.

Fwiw, just his behaviour after he told you about the ONS would be enough to make me want to leave him.

He has no respect for you at all.

BluePeppers Tue 23-May-17 21:18:16

So what will your next step?
Could you start working again etc..?

Raquel40 Tue 23-May-17 21:19:07

What does ltb mean? Still getting used to the jargons.

AnyFucker Tue 23-May-17 21:19:27

Divorce him

He will be forced to house his kids, and by extension you, as the SAH mother of his dc

He will be in a shitty bedsit. Living the dream.

TheLegendOfBeans Tue 23-May-17 21:19:36


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