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Relationships

Finding a new partner. Are there any good men out there?

26 replies

ErictheHalfaBee · 23/05/2017 04:45

I have recently discovered that my husband of 24 years is a complete arsehole. Separation is ongoing and I am at times optimistic but more often desperately sad and lonely. I'm terrified of being alone forever. How do women in their 50s find a decent man?

I've never done dating apps before, are there any that aren't just for hook ups? I'm not ready for dating yet, it would just be nice to know what is out there, for the future. Any other ideas?

OP posts:
lizzieoak · 23/05/2017 04:50

People always say to me "look online, join things". I tried that and met no-one and it was kind of depressing. But some people have great luck!

If anyone has any more specific advice or new ideas, I'm in the queue behind you!

user1491572121 · 23/05/2017 04:51

I think that given the recent shock you've had OP, the best thing to concentrate on is yourself...making friends and looking after yourself...it's not going to seem like a bright future at the moment but it's early days. You need to recover.

ErictheHalfaBee · 23/05/2017 04:55

Thanks user, you are right of course, I just need something to give me some hope when I'm feeling at my most panicked, usually around 3 or 4 in the morning.

OP posts:
user1491572121 · 23/05/2017 05:06

There's always hope. People meet their perfect partner when they're over 50 all the time. It's normal to have panicky moments. Focus on being very, very nice to yourself....think of little things to do for yourself daily. Whether it's painting your nails or listening to good music in the bath....or making a cake or whatever makes you happy.

Make sure you eat well so you're physically strong...and try to spend time with positive, nice people.

Do you have any friends? Not everyone does...if you don't then that can change too.x

lizzieoak · 23/05/2017 05:12

When I was first divorced I'd wake up around 3:00 every night/morning and have an intense worrying session for at least 2 hours.

After about 5 months of this nonsense I realised that all the worrying and strategizing had not changed a damn thing. I had to be firm with myself about going back to sleep and saying "you're now allowed to fret: it's time to sleep now". It did work and I relearned how to sleep.

As below, be kind to yourself and plenty of healthy distractions (& the occasional cake).

user1486956786 · 23/05/2017 05:47

I believe it happens naturally, when you least expect it and are not looking for it. That's why I would be sceptical with online dating as I think it's a bit forced. Plus if I had some bad dates I think it would upset me more. However lots and lots of people have great success with it so it really depends on whether you think like I do. You know yourself best.

I think the most important thing is to create a life being single you love. Genuinely love and are happy with. You need to be enjoying your life and as long as you live a reasonably busy life being out and about I guarantee someone will pop up along the way when you are ready. Or you may realise you actually are happier single!!!!!

My grandma met her new partner in her 70s at art club after my grandad passed away (no idea the time in betweeen).

category12 · 23/05/2017 06:25

I would try to build yourself up and pursue your own interests. There's more to life than having some bloke. I get that it's scary but it's only recently your marriage ended and you're more likely to pick a wrong un while recovering or on the rebound.

I'd work on the terror of being alone, rather than dating tbh.

Cliché but being happy in yourself is far more attractive anyway. Why not think about meeting people through hobby groups or holidays, doing positive things you enjoy, rather than putting yourself through online dating?

TheNaze73 · 23/05/2017 07:40

Will add weight to the be happy in yourself theory.

You'll be fine & it'll happen eventually, when you least expect it.

Don't chase the old man of China, let him chase you.

ShatnersWig · 23/05/2017 08:02

To answer your headline, of course there are good men out there. I'm one of them.

But the truth is it's a combination of LUCK and ATTRACTION. I know some exceptionally lovely attractive intelligent people who have been single for years, no children, and no one understands why they are single. They did the online dating bit for years, no luck, not deliberately tried meeting anyone but hope to bump into someone at one of their many classes or social clubs that they normally did and still nothing. I've tried both and am still single and many female friends have tried both and are still single. Sometimes it is just luck, some people are just attracted to a very small type of people.

I'm sorry you're lonely but you say separation is ongoing. I've been single for 7 and haven't had a date in 6. I have a female friend who has been single for 10 years bar a handful of dates and she is totally lovely. THAT's when you're allowed to feel really lonely!

ravenmum · 23/05/2017 08:52

My grandmother got married at 80 to a man she met at a social club. At my dad's 80th birthday recently, one of his rail enthusiast friends was happily flirting away with his sister, who's a few years older than him. (She's not interested in a relationship though she's had a couple of suitors since her husband died, through her dance club.) As long as you leave your home and socialise even minimally, you're going to come across other people your age.

I'm in my late 40s and have met a couple of perfectly nice men through online dating - one through an app, one on a website. I've dated some others who also seemed pleasant. I'm not out looking for a long-term live-in relationship, though, just a bit of fun, so I'm not limiting myself to men I think are "suitable" in some way, apart from being single.

But yes, there are apps and websites for people looking for all sorts of relationships; plenty of space on the internet for everyone. And plenty of things you can do offline - I've tried both, just had more luck online.

When I was in your situation I also thought I'd feel lonely, but in fact since my ex left I have felt less and less lonely. It turns out I just felt sad and unloveable as that was how it was at the end of my relationship. Before he left I imagined divorced life as me sitting in a dingy little flat somewhere with the dog, dreading the long evenings spent alone. Next June I really am moving into a flat (I stayed with the kids, now we are swapping), but my evenings are now busy, going to activities, getting exercise, meeting people, meeting up with new boyfriend who's revived my interest in sex :) - and I'm imagining a cosy little flat that I can make my own.

It's scary at that stage, but do you also feel a teeny bit excited at the prospect of a new start?

user1490465531 · 23/05/2017 09:12

know that feeling shanterswig been single nearly ten years myself but I think loneliness can hit anyone even if they have only been single a couple of months.
I can understand the op does not want a future alone who does? and it is harder the older you get but when your ready try online dating.
I don't believe in it happens when you least expect it saying I think you have to be actively looking just like you would for a new job!

ErictheHalfaBee · 23/05/2017 09:36

Thanks for your replies. The worst bit for me is that my future has been snatched away. We had so many plans for what would happen when the children grew up. (Or so I thought). Now I have to completely rethink my life. I was going to get a job in his business, now I have to try to find a job elsewhere. Not easy in your 50s when you haven't worked for 18 years. I suppose I can still travel to the places we had planned on going to. It's hard to get my head round being alone with no one to share experiences with. Even sitting and watching a drama on the telly is hard when there's no one to discuss the story with. Sorry for being a bit self pitying.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 23/05/2017 09:49

You're allowed to be as self-pitying as you like! If not now then when? I remember that feeling of having your future taken away - and your past, as all the stories have lost their happy ending. (Or been rewritten to suit your ex's new outlook on your relationship.) It does get better, though. You know how when you move into a new house, and it's hard to settle into a new place - but at the same time it gives you a chance to clear out all the dark corners and reorganise your wardrobe? :)

To be honest, getting yourself a new job, that you have found and applied for, might be more daunting, but it's not an impossible challenge and would probably do a lot more for your self-esteem and independence than being "allowed" a little place in your partner's company.

ravenmum · 23/05/2017 09:53

Where would you like to go then? The world is your oyster :)

ErictheHalfaBee · 23/05/2017 10:30

Where would I like to go? Japan, Galápagos Islands, Peru, India, Singapore, Iceland, Maldives, Burma....... you coming with me Ravenmum?

OP posts:
OutToGetYou · 23/05/2017 10:39

I'll come with you Eric! 49 here and single most of my life though just leaving a 7 year relationship. :)

NImbleJumper · 23/05/2017 10:42

You know, there are worse things than being on your own. Alone doesn't equal lonely.

And honestly (having followed your other thread) you will be far far far better off on your own. Really.

I don't understand why women feel they have to live trough a man. We are enough just in ourselves. We don't need a man to validate our existence. And you'll find this out. It's glorious!

ravenmum · 23/05/2017 10:46

Wouldn't mind Iceland ... I did consider trying an organised singles holiday but have just ended up travelling privately to the UK and Prague; still have the dog to take care of, which is harder to organise than the kids :)

ErictheHalfaBee · 23/05/2017 10:48

I know you are all right, but I met my husband when I was 22, so I've been with him all my adult life. I have to stop thinking of myself as being part of a couple and start being a complete person on my own. It's a big change for me.

OP posts:
ErictheHalfaBee · 23/05/2017 10:50

I know what you mean about the dog. I love her dearly but she does limit what I can do.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 23/05/2017 10:55

Nimble, I think what I found hard to get used to was the idea of not having someone there who shared a lot of the same memories. But in fact I can still talk to other people about my memories, and really it wasn't like my ex and I talked that much about them anyway! But after decades together, it feels weird that no-one is there to know if you got home. Even if you don't really need anyone to know that. I would guess that newly separated men find it just as weird; I don't think it is about needing a man to validate you.

I think it just takes a while to get used to.

NImbleJumper · 23/05/2017 10:59

Yes, it takes a while. I know ....

But it really doesn't help to think about one's future in such bleak terms. And it's pretty insulting to all the single women who have perfectly good lives, thank you very much. Travel, friends, precious time to yourself - it's all good! And all to play for!

Just get a REALLY good divorce lawyer & an accountant/detective to find the assets your bastard StBEx has frittered on his fantasy life.

Good luck Flowers you really have got a wonderful life waiting for you!

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Hermonie2016 · 23/05/2017 11:02

What leaps out from your post is terrified of being alone and its wort challenging yourself on that thinking.

What specifically frightens you? I am recently separated and absolutely enjoying my quiet and alone time.It takes a while to adjust but it can be so positive.
There are definitely benefits of being single and if you can change your mindset you will reduce your anxiety.
If your H has left suddenly then just know its shock and fear but it will wear off.
Don't rush meeting anyone as you will be too vulnerable.

ravenmum · 23/05/2017 11:17

Read your other thread - my ex was similarly twatty though not on quite such a jawdropping scale; he couldn't have afforded a house for his OW. Have you let on that you know yet?

Basically, what you want to know is, how shitty a situation has he put me in? I imagined myself in old age travelling with my partner, living comfortably together with him in this home; how far from that will my new future be? Will I now be sad and alone forever, the opposite of what I thought, because of my twatty ex? What's my new situation?

But even if he'd been faithful, your future was not cut in stone. He could have dropped dead and you'd still have been alone. There was never any guarantee of that nice future.

Do some therapy, see the GP if you need to (I did, it was very helpful), take up yoga or skydiving or whatever you need to do to get your thoughts together, and start to take control of your own life again.

user1491572121 · 23/05/2017 11:43

Start your own business! What would you like most to do?

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