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Husband leaving me because of 8 stone weight gain

(247 Posts)
user1495500843 Tue 23-May-17 02:07:24

Ive never been a slim girl in but I've put on 8 stone since I met my husband 10 years ago. About 3 years ago he told me this was a problem.he had paid for personal trainers, weight loss retreats etc but I've not maintained a steady weight loss. He now says he cannot bear it any longer. He says that I've lost him now and have done for some time. He wants a divorce. No children. I can't help thinking he is right and I have really messed up and ruined my marriage.

Cucucachoo Tue 23-May-17 02:11:31

How do you feel about your body? If you're happy within yourself then tell him to shove it.
If you feel unhappy with your body then only you can change it

VimFuego101 Tue 23-May-17 02:12:51

Do you know what has caused you to gain the weight?

user1495500843 Tue 23-May-17 02:16:06

Vimfuegu- I think I was insecure in my marriage so comfort ate.

user1495500843 Tue 23-May-17 02:16:54

Cucachoo- no im not happy with my weight but have tried everything but don't seem to be able to shift it.

Arealhumanbeing Tue 23-May-17 02:39:45

You may find that the weight comes off when the source of the insecurity is removed from your life.

Why did you feel insecure in your marriage OP?

FataliePorkman Tue 23-May-17 03:00:33

CONGRATULATIONS OP! You have lost 13 odd stone of complete and utter cockwomble.

iogo Tue 23-May-17 03:04:55

You can only lose weight for yourself.

However, I can see it from your husband's POV as my husband has put on about 6 stone since we got together (16 years, was about 18st now over 24) and it does affect how I view him. It's not just a physical thing but his health is poor, he has asthma (came on about 6 years ago), constant back aches, lower immune system, terrible snoring and sleep apnoea. He waddles and can't walk as fast as my normal walk (and walking slowly is actually quite an effort), gets out of breath easily and has little energy for the kids.

I love him but I am absolutely not going to be his nursemaid or cut his toenails for him because he can't bend down to do them because of his weight. It's upsetting that he doesn't want to choose health for the sake of his children. I wouldn't be surprised if I was a fairly young widow.

I'm sorry. It's a rubbish situation to be in and I fluctuate between a size 12 and 16 myself so I know what it's like to keep eating things when you know you shouldn't but I don't think it's balanced to insinuate that he is the problem.

I'm sorry if there are other medical reasons for your weight gain. There isn't with my DH.

Atenco Tue 23-May-17 03:08:20

Sometimes I love mumsnet!

user1495500843 Tue 23-May-17 03:20:53

Areal human being- my husband is 5 years younger, slim and very good looking. He can sometimes be very self centred which makes me question his commitment to me.

user1495500843 Tue 23-May-17 03:21:50

Atenco- wow! I'm sat in floods of tears, with my marriage over. Glad it's a source of amusement for you. Thanks.

user1495500843 Tue 23-May-17 03:23:40

Logo- what you have said is what my husband has said. Do you think if I can make some changes and lose weight ( for me not him) that things might change? Or once you've got to that point like my husband has there is no going back?

FataliePorkman Tue 23-May-17 03:29:02

OP. Why in God's name would you want to stay with him.

bkgirl Tue 23-May-17 03:32:16

I would suggest Atnco was just agreeing / acknowleging the previous poster who was giving her reason for not tolerating an overweight partner. Sometimes we just need to deal with reality and to hear the truth. TBH if my husband put on 8 stone that would be a massive turn off too. I bet you will learn from this, you will now see the weight drop off, you will get your hair done, fit into clothes you have wanted to wear for ages and you will feel happier. No one is laughing, it is sad, not funny. I honestly think most people would support you. Come on girl, get your mojo back.

Pallisers Tue 23-May-17 03:36:53

It sounds like this relationship wasn't great for you anyway if you were insecure with him. Maybe you'll be happier - and healthier - without him.

I would struggle with my relationship with my husband if he gained 8 stone with no medical cause.

user1486956786 Tue 23-May-17 03:47:04

He can buy you as many personal training sessions and retreats etc. but you need to want to lose weight yourself, and for you only and in a way that you enjoy. Until you get to that stage it will be impossible to change.

On a more practical note, the best I can advise, is make slow and steady changes. It's hard to say without knowing your current lifestyle and diet. I think portion size is the key. Have you tried weight watcher meals? They are very good start as show you what your meal size should be to lose weight and the meals are tastier than salads. I recommend adding extra vegetables to fill you up a bit more and to get lots of nutrients.

If you are comfort eating then you need to look at what is causing this. Is it boredom? Do you hate job or stressed and look for comfort when you get home? Are you starving yourself during the day and then binge at night to make up for it?

For your husband it may not just be about looks, are you less happy and fun company if down because of your weight? He may find other qualities attractive such as a motivation, drive, energy etc. and not all about results.

Rainbunny Tue 23-May-17 03:47:52

I'm sorry OP, I know how awful it feels to be rejected. I'll be honest though (and I really don't mean this to be hurtful) but it might be for the best. If you want to carry on as you are and believe me I know this isn't a deliberate choice for you to have the relationship with food that you do, then those around you will have their own responses that they should not be blamed for either.

I personally have a troubled history with alcohol, I blame no one else for it and I am now kind to myself about the fact of it. I also understand fully why this ended my first marriage. I had to decide for myself what my priorities really needed to be in life at a certain point (I didn't hit "rock bottom" so to speak - that oft repeated saying is not at all true most of the time). I suppose what I'm trying to say to you is this, the fallout of a marriage and the fact that you are obese are two separate issues connected by a thread. Losing weight to keep a partner is a no-go for all the issues of pressure, judgement, resentment etc.that would play a part in that. Losing weight because you want to be healthier, happier and view yourself as a life worth saving and worthy of self respect is really it. I hope you get here smile

user1495500843 Tue 23-May-17 03:59:05

Thank you all for your advice. It's been difficult to accept that it is my fault. It's easy to say that he's being a jerk- but hearing others say they would be turned off if there husbands were like me has been a massive wake up call. I do t want to lose him but i don't think I can turn this around now.

fiftyplustwo Tue 23-May-17 04:01:35

What happens if you cut out sugar and crap food from your diet? No sweets, no sugary drinks, no hamburgers, no sweet sauces, etc? I don't think you can ever lose weight by exercising more, even though those who exercise on elite levels are thin, it won't work for the beginner's. Clearly you'd be doing it for yourself, your own sake. An 8 stone weight gain is rather large so every little thing you manage to do will be beneficial. Apart from food you could for example start doing "Nordic walking" (ridiculous-looking outdoor exercise where you walk outside use poles but it's actually worth the effort and you could perhaps manage it even with that overweight). Cycling is also good.

Try, try again, and then try again once more.

user1495500843 Tue 23-May-17 04:03:10

Thanks fifty plus two- really good advice

user1495500843 Tue 23-May-17 04:05:32

Rain bunny your message really resonated with me. I agree that when my husband said my weight was a problem it did lead to a lot of pressure e.g I felt like he was monitoring what I ate and judging me on it. I think I also resented and almost ate to rebel against him.
Now I just wish I had lost the weight- not my husband!

user1486956786 Tue 23-May-17 04:13:38

Focus on you now. Not him. Not your marriage. Let him go. Focus on what you want in life (it has to be more than him, he can't be your reason for living and happiness), whether it be to lose weight or maybe you want to just feel happy at current weight, take this time to relearn and love yourself. He may change his mind, he may not.

user1486956786 Tue 23-May-17 04:14:49

Don't sit around moping about your situation. Go grab at life again. As someone else said, go get your mojo back girl!!!

iogo Tue 23-May-17 04:21:13

OP, I'd be absolutely delighted if my DH started to make healthy changes to his life style. And I'd support him as much as I could.

In your shoes, I'd let your DH leave and focus on yourself. If possible, I'd try and keep channels of communication with him open and a friendship if possible. Try and find yourself again. Focus on you. Get your hair done and set goals for yourself. Have treats that fit in what what you want to reward your mini mile stones.

If you manage to find yourself then maybe your marriage can be salvaged. But before your DH can fall back in love with you, you have to fall in love with yourself.

I personally found Slimming World worked for me when I went to group - I needed the support of the group and that weekly accountability.

bkgirl Tue 23-May-17 04:21:31

You 100% can turn this around. I promise you, small steps and you will never look back. Distract yourself from comfort eating, give yourself treats other than food, take a walk, even to the end of the street and back. If you have stairs make yourself go up and down once an hour. Think of your own plan that is great for you, tailor it by writing a list of nice things you would like as non food rewards. Buy a carrot, shred it and put it in the fridge in a lunch box - that's your nibble food.
Most of all, know you matter.Don't be defined by a man. Be YOU.

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