Found out DH has been cheating

[Sleepflower43]

DH's personality changed drastically around 2 years ago. Never been emotionally supportive but it's been like living with a robot.

I had suspicions about an old schoolfriend of his who had been messaging him but was told I was being paranoid.
Fast forward to last month - I had had enough of his behaviour, it was making me ill. I had repeatedly tried to get him to seek help but he wouldn't so I told him I wanted to separate.
I told him I still loved him, but needed to do this before we started to hate each other. We have a teenage daughter and I wanted her to have parents who were on good terms.
He didn't have anywhere to go so I let him stay (in the same bedroom as we don't have a spare)!
We agreed finances, I was buying his share of the house etc.
He moved on Saturday, I helped him move his stuff, he's been ordering all sorts for his new place and having it delivered here. So I took all that and him up to the new place on Saturday. All very amicable.

DD went to see him on the first night, and caught him with the other woman. It's been going on for over a year apparently. To say we are devastated is an understatement.
He's lied to me and was so callous when confronted. DD is heartbroken, she idolised him.

DD wants nothing to do with him. She's old enough to make up her own mind.
OW made herself deliberately visible to DD so she has engineered the whole thing, I'm disgusted with her.
Even though I knew my marriage was over and was coping well with it, this has just destroyed me. We were together almost 30 years and I honestly adored him.

I don't know what to do? Don't want him back, but what's next? I need to divorce, but do I re negotiate the financial side? I want to ask him about where thy used to meet, etc. Is that going to help me or not? So many questions going round in my head.

[LallanasInPyjamas]

Don't agree to anything until you have taken advice from a solicitor. Get an up to date valuation of your home and details of any savings, and make a note of what he has (that you know of) including any pensions either of you have. Adultery won't get you a better settlement but absolutely investigate finances with your lawyer before you agree anything whatsoever.

[Aquamarine1029]

You need to get a solicitor. Now. Don't give your husband the chance to gain the upper hand.

[Sleepflower43]

I stand to lose more financially than him I think? I've got a decent pension, he doesn't. So could he get a share of that?
I've had to contribute more to the household for the past year as he said I have been fleecing him and he's been paying to much in to the family pot. He hasn't - he paid his share, but I have had to make up the shortfall each month.

[weekendninja]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

My one main piece of advice would be not to ask him questions because they just lead to more questions and before you know it you are driving yourself crazy into an obsessive black hole. For me I had to adjust to the realisation that most things that came out of his mouth were lies...teo years in they still are too.

I got satisfaction by living my life honestly and true to myself. I emersed myself in providing security for myself and my DS'S. I began to rediscover me and my own mind and feel pretty good about the person that I am. I also made plans with friends that I would'nt have if we were still together.

He has been very angry, refused to shoulder any kind of blame for throwing the grenade into the family. It's been pretty difficult to come to terms with this but I feel like I almost have. He also didn't stay with the OW and has, by the seems of it just had unfullfilling relationships with unsuitable women. I, on the other hand am still single but have worked on what I felt I needed to address whilst he hasn't.

That's enough about me and I'm sure someone will come along with fantastic advice about the financial side.

You can do it and you will do it. It seems like you are about to step off a cliff into the unknown but things won't always be like this.

[Sleepflower43]

Weekend, thank you.
It's a horrible situation, the repercussions are awful. Our family members are completely shocked, her husband and his family are very upset.
My head is banging with all the questions, but yes, you're right. I can't trust him not to lie so there's no point in asking.

[LallanasInPyjamas]

It is hard for anyone to answer that without knowing your family finances for the past 30 years, but even if you agree the house sale amicably he can still apply to the court for a possible pension share once you've bought him out. It's extremely risky agreeing anything and taking action before taking advice. If he's been courting another for a year, who knows what he has hidden away.

PM me if you would like a lawyer recommendation, will likely not be in your area but choosing one at a distance is sometimes a good option.

Sorry you married a complete shit I wouldnt ask him for the intricate details as you're asking for more heartache. Look forward to the future, as there is someone out there who will idolise you.

[ChrisLowesSunglasses]

I agree with Lallanas , be very wary of doing anything financial before seeing a solicitor. You'll be asked to declare your pension as part of the divorce proceedings anyway so you won't be shooting yourself in the foot by seeking legal advice.

Be aware that the Courts look at need when deciding who gets what so if you pay him his share of the house now and he blows it all on OW, he could still end up with a much larger share of your assets. Divorce in England and Wales is on a no fault basis in all but the most extreme circumstances so as I understand it if he spent all his cash from the buy-out before the divorce was finalised and then pleaded poverty the courts wouldn't say serves him right for spending his money, they would simply look at the marital pot as it stands at that current point in time and award him based on that. Be very careful.

[dingodon]

He has been clearly saving up for this moment if he reduced his spend with you! Get a good lawyer - OW will be in his ear about money - he already has a potential 2 year head start on you.

[CaliforniaHorcrux]

You'll need to list some good examples of unreasonable behaviour on his part on your petition that have happened in the last six months because unless he's willing to admit the adultery or you've got video/photographic evidence you won't be able to use it as grounds for divorce. Really this is horrible for you and your daughter but good luck getting it all sorted I hope everything works out well for you

[Sleepflower43]

Thanks everyone.
SHL appointment now made!