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Five months and still blubbing

(19 Posts)
Polly46219 Mon 22-May-17 23:15:11

My husband has been gone five months and I am still so upset about it. I seemed to perk up a bit around April but now I feel like I'm going backwards. We have a two year old son so it's not like I can't not see him and things are also further strained because (a) he went straight into a relationship with a woman at work and (b) he's being a complete arse about financial matters and appears to be burying his head in the sand and prolonging the situation/not responding to my solicitor etc. He seems so happy and I am still in shock that's hes actually left. I WANT to move on but I just can't get myself over that hurdle. I'm starting to cry again most nights and I miss him so much it hurts - well, I'm missing what I thought we had. I just want him to come round and hold me and say it was all a huge mistake but that's not going to happen and I couldn't take him back anyway. Why can't I get over this? He treated me like shit!!

lobsterface Mon 22-May-17 23:18:25

I don't have the answer, I wish I knew but flowers

Arealhumanbeing Mon 22-May-17 23:25:22

It may well be that you're grieving for how things could have been rather than him as he is now?

5 months isn't long at all and you should let yourself cry when you need to. I'm always amazed when people say they stopped crying after 3 weeks etc in a situation like yours.

He may well come back once the shine wears off (it will) but you will need to remember how much he hurt you and how awful you feel now.

Hermonie2016 Mon 22-May-17 23:31:21

Its still early days so don't under estimate the stress of finances/divorce process.

I have a breathing space as waiting for court but its such a relief to not have to deal with letters or finances every day.

You will feel rejection but his happiness is built on sand and I suspect OW and him will get a wake up call, by that stage you will be living a good life.He's not a good man.

Take care of yourself..sleep and prioritise eating well.Get out for a walk (preferably without toddler!) and try to appreciate surroundings.A gratitude diary really does help as trains your mind to focus on the good things no matter how small.
Can you plan something to look forward to?

Katmeifyoucan Mon 22-May-17 23:38:14

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds so hard. This site always gets recommended on here for dealing with break ups

hellsbellsmelons Mon 22-May-17 23:51:21

It's crap.
No 2 ways about it.
I was with ExH 15 years.
It took a year before I started to feel myself again.
Please don't put a time limit on your grief.
It's different for everyone.
Keep writing down all the negatives about him.
How he treated you.
Have you any counselling / therapy?
Worth looking into that.

Strawberryjam34 Tue 23-May-17 00:53:54

I split up with my Ex husband last January and have been through an absolutely horrendous time. He's continued his relationship with the other woman and I have also had to go through the agony of watching my daughter spend time with her!

Everyone was telling me I would feel better with time but, to me this seemed impossible how could things ever be better!! But, they were absolutely right and probably since about February this year I've felt absolutely amazing. I've got a new lust for life that I haven't had for years and mine and my daughters relationship is better than ever. She is happy and content and we have more fun and laughs than we ever did when her father was living at home. On a personal level I go out more now with friends than ever and I realise now I've much more to offer than just being a wife and mother.

When I used to look at my ex, early post split, I used to feel great sadness and loss at what we used to have. Now when I look at him I just feel pity and revulsion. He's slotted in nicely to the ow's family home, with her children, much to the detriment of his own daughter!

This man, someone I loved for 20 years, is now in my eyes an abusive cheat, a terrible father and a pathetic excuse for a man! I'm fairly sure there's a fair amount of benefit fraud going on in their new set up as well - but if you want to live like that! This man used to have high morals. A man who has not made one thing easy for me - despite the fact that I wasn't the cheat! He's been cruel, narcissistic, physically / mentally abusive and made me suffer as much as he possibly could. What a catch for the other woman!

When this first happened to me I would have given anything to go back and change it! Now I wouldn't for the world. I love my new life and I'm so, so proud of everything I have overcome. While all the while looking after a child and also working full time

I have done this through excellent counselling and the support of brilliant friends and family. I've also maintained minimal contact with my ex husband. He's always picking for a fight but, I give him absolutely nothing at all! In addition to this I have been what my Counsellor terms as the 'reliable pit pony' for my child. Maintaining stability and routine while all this was going on. This is hard to do when your life is crumbling around. But, my god it's worth it in the end! The results speak for themselves- my daughter knows I'm there for her no matter what! While she can rely on her father for a couple of hours each week. My daughter is absolutely amazing and so, so happy

It's bloody hard work but, it's so worth it in the end. It's fine to have a bad day as well its all part of the normal recovery process. If this happens just remember your recovery hasn't gone back to the beginning but, back a few hours that's all.
It scares me to death now when I look back at how mentally unwell I felt with it all. I don't really think I realised the severity of it at the time. But, I know for sure I never want to feel like that again. I know I lengthened this pain and agony by continuing to engage with my husband in pointless arguments.
Don't be too hard on yourself, time definitely does heal!

Polly46219 Tue 23-May-17 17:43:53

Thank you everyone! Your posts have helped me so much, I can't tell you. I thought I was going mad but it's good to know that this is all normal. I am definitely grieving for what was; not what he is now. I do feel a little relief because he was always a bit of a liar (although I hadn't realised the extent of those lies until he told me it was over) and I never completely trusted him if I'm honest. It's apparent I was being fobbed off left right and centre for quite some time. Unless he undergoes a complete personality change I doubt he'll change that much even thought he does seem to be besotted with OW at the moment. (I still can't get my head around how he's gone from a marriage straight into another relationship with no break in between - it seems mad to me!). Strawberryjam you give me hope that one day, I am going to feel amazing again :-) X

SandyY2K Tue 23-May-17 17:56:28

I still can't get my head around how he's gone from a marriage straight into another relationship with no break in between

He hasn't really though, because she was there while he was married to you. Now he can see her without sneaking around.

He knows her and they have had a relationship, prior to the end of your marriage.

Sickofthisalready Wed 24-May-17 08:00:06

Polly, I could have written your post. Im 13 weeks from him leaving and as much as im stronger now, I still dont seem to be able to actually accept it and move on.

I thought at first I wanted him back, and did all the usual rubbish like telling him id change, pleading, doing the pick me dance. Ive tried ignoring him, being nice to him, being indifferent but I realise everything ive tried is for a reaction and its just never happened.

We have 3.5 year old so I see him 6 times a week, albeit for short amounts of time. But after 10 years there's still so much to sort out and untangle.

He swears blind that he never cheated, but three weeks after leaving us he was posting date night pictures on social media and is still with the same woman. The feeling of being replaced so quickly hurts like hell, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I know that it could never work again, as he is a compulsive liar and the way he has treated both me and DS is unforgivable. I just sometimes ask myself what on earth else does he have to do to me to make me get over him. I am starting to hate him, but he can still upset me with the slightest little thing.

Unfortunately I believe time is the only healer. Having contact is a nightmare, and will prolong it but im not in a position to cut contact as I imagine you aren't. He told me recently that he isnt happy and all he has in his life is DS. Ive been longing for him to get his karma, but even hearing that didn't make me feel good. Just sad that this seems to have all been for nothing, and now there are 3 of us who's lives he's turned upside down and none of us are happy.

Sending you a big hug xx

Polly46219 Wed 24-May-17 14:50:24

I hear what you say Sandy, I think what I meant is it's different entering into a new relationship whilst you've had some time on your own for a while rather than leaving one and going straight to another. It's not like we were having rows or I had an inkling things were wrong - he lied for an entire year. We were still sleeping together, laughing together, having fun, he'd bought me gifts, right up until his bombshell - I had no reason to suspect anything was 'up'. His Christmas card said "to my darling wife, I love you with all my heart and right by your side is where I want to be' or something similar and all that time he was texting and cosying up to someone else, meeting for coffees and 'a cuddle'. It's scary to think that he was even capable. Sickofthis - I'm so sorry you're having to go through this too - I really hope everyone is right and that as time goes on it'll get easier because I still feel married and connected to him and our past. I can't feel what he does. If I slept with someone else right now I would feel guilty, like I'd been unfaithful. Clearly, I'm no way near to boxing him up and putting him behind me. Sending you a massive hug too xx

Sickofthisalready Tue 30-May-17 16:40:48

How are you Polly? Xx

Polly46219 Wed 31-May-17 20:23:23

Hello sickofthis - I'm not too bad at the moment, fingers crossed. H has at last conceded to fill in the Form E. My solicitor is on holiday this week so nothing much is happening there so it's a bit of a break. He still wants me (which also means his son which he doesn't get) out of this house and into rented and me to go on benefits whilst he buys somewhere himself. You couldn't make it up! I had a night out with some friends on Saturday - went to a club and danced the night away and it did me sooo much good. Also got chatted up by a gorgeous young man which gave me an enormous boost. Okay, so it was back to reality with a bump on Sunday morning but it made me feel attractive again! How are you feeling?

Zaphodsotherhead Wed 31-May-17 20:27:29

My husband left me six years ago, pretty much to the day. We had no kids together, and it took me around five years before I could truly say I was happy again. Properly, not-thinking-of-him happy. FIVE YEARS! What a bloody waste of my time, grieving over a cock like that. Polly, I hope your coming to terms with the end of the relationship happens a LOT faster than mine did!

I only knew I was properly over it when my divorce came through the post and I just went 'meh' and shoved the papers in a drawer.

CiliatedEpithelium Wed 31-May-17 20:27:52

Never underestimate the effects of 'fake it til you make it'
Always make an effort with your appearance and fake an outward air of happiness, confidence and control. Eventually you will start to feel it for real. You are expecting too much too soon of yourself though.

pocketsaviour Wed 31-May-17 20:37:05

I was once told by someone that as a rule of thumb, to get over a breakup takes twice as long in months as the years you were with them.

So if you were together 5 years, expect to take 10 months before you feel like you can move on.

When you have DC together, I think this gets lengthened because you're having to remain in contact. If you were able to just never see them again, I do think that's easier. I was with my son's dad for 5 years but when we split I didn't feel ready to move on for at least 2 years. I wasn't getting upset or crying every day, but I was very much not ready for another relationship.

And everyone grieves in different ways. I think I only cried once when my last LTR ended, but that doesn't mean I wasn't suffering inside. Crying is probably healthier! I mainly ate icecream and pizza

Sickofthisalready Wed 31-May-17 21:12:13

Im ok thanks polly. Had ex sobbing on the phone tonight at how his whole life is a complete mess.

Not sure if hes regretting leaving but I can honestly say I dont care. He's hurt me too much for me to go back.

All i want from him is money and for him to stop fucking DS about.

Think I need a night out like yours!!! Xx

Polly46219 Wed 31-May-17 21:21:56

Do it sickofthis - get out there, drink wine and dance! I had an amazing time. At least your H sounds like he's regretting it - mine is still with the woman and keeps giving me dates of weekends away they're all going on (him, her daughter and our DS). Hotels, castles, Legoland - you name it, they're going there. God knows where all this money's coming from!! I would laugh if it wasn't so damn sad.

bird43 Thu 01-Jun-17 07:15:33

Hi Polly and Sickofthis,
So sorry for what you're going through. Seems to be a lot of crap going round! I'm 10 days into my H walking out on me and our DS age 3.5. I definitely haven't accepted it yet. I keep thinking he's going to ask to come back any day, but so far nothing. I don't think that there's OW. He's staying in a hotel atm as he's got nowhere to live.
I have good and bad days. We live in Spain and I'm finding it difficult having no family or friends around to offer support. Thank goodness for MN and the internet

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