Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can PMS make you crazy or is he gaslighting me?

(45 Posts)
lupa123 Mon 22-May-17 22:18:26

My DP has a really fucking annoying habit of 'accusing' me of being on my period whenever we have an argument. Sometimes he gets it right, sometimes he doesn't, but I suppose if you say it often enough you're bound to hit the nail on the head occasionally...

It happened again yesterday and I've been stewing about it all day. This evening I told him that it sounds as if he's saying that being on my period makes me irrational and hysterical and not in control of what I'm saying. He agreed and seemed to think that was fine.

Apparently, according to his experience of women (two older sisters, and a female-dominated workplace) it's the norm for women to go nuts during their period and other women just accept it and own up to it and so should I.

Now, I know that PMS is a thing, and I confess, my period arrived yesterday. However, I've never felt any different during my period than I do any other time of the month. I don't have any mood swings that I'm aware of, I'm not irritable (any more than usual, anyway), I don't feel emotional or cry for no reason. As far as I'm concerned, I'm my normal self but with blood.

We've had another massive argument tonight (about this and about the argument yesterday) and I've been sitting here in bed crying, wondering whether I'm feeling like this because of my hormones, or if I've got a good fucking reason to be upset and he's just messing with my head. I genuinely don't know if I can trust my judgement or if he can see something I can't.

Tinseleverywhere Mon 22-May-17 22:22:00


HildaOg Mon 22-May-17 22:23:12

I go crazy just before my period... You would know!!!! Maybe not at the time but afterwards you're like wtf. No way are you hormonal if you feel the same all the time. He's undermining you and trying to make you think you're crazy. Why? What is he doing that he's trying to make you believe you're imagining?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 22-May-17 22:24:24

You're describing some quite nasty misogynist stuff coming from him Lupa...

Kit30 Mon 22-May-17 22:27:13

Head games. The more you protest the 'crazier' you are, at least according to your DP thus confirming all his weird prejudices about PMT/ women and fuelling his little fantasy where he's the only one in 'control' Your only problem is him and his self absorbed fuckwittery

PenguinOfDoom Mon 22-May-17 22:28:22

It gives me the rage when men dismiss any anger, frustration or impatience from women on menstruation. It's total bollocks and designed to shut you down and embarrass you.

Tinseleverywhere Mon 22-May-17 22:28:36

Tell him his testosterone is making him irrationally aggressive with his opinions.

UnicornSparkles1 Mon 22-May-17 22:29:41

Just before my period I feel like my head might explode with irritability. You would know. I always know. which is the only reason I don't kill all the irritating people

Next time he starts up, and every time he mentions it in future, ask him if he's going through a mid life crisis.

Ohyesiam Mon 22-May-17 22:30:55

PMS is a thing, and it's a big thing in my life. But actually having a period is Just blood and back ache.
You would KNOW of you suffered from PMS, it's a life altering experience. I'm exhausted, cranky, and generally drop crockery/ can't park the car/ forget simple things/ need to be ALONE. If this is not your experience, he's gas lighting you.

blue2014 Mon 22-May-17 22:31:21

I go crazy, I know. You would know. Ignore his shit.

Overduelibrarybooks Mon 22-May-17 22:32:45

My STBXH had a massive thing about PMT. At one point he kept a note of when I was due on, and I swear it was just so he could wind me up a bit more and then blame my period.

My period made period made me less willing/able to deal with his EA. He was a twat all month long though.

Mom2K Mon 22-May-17 22:33:47

Don't second guess yourself. As you said, he is frequently blaming your responses/emotions on your period, even when you aren't. He is gas lighting you. That's nasty - do you want to be with someone like this?

My ex was like this in reverse. I did have pms and get more emotional during my period and hoped that he would be a little more understanding and empathetic of the fact that I was having a tough time and was told by him that PM's doesn't exist hmm

unSurprisingly now that I'm well rid of him I get through that time of the month with a lot less turmoil.

Life is too short to be tied to a selfish, mysoginist twat.

C0RAL Mon 22-May-17 22:34:14

What Kit said

outabout Mon 22-May-17 22:34:35

Sometimes it is 'angry/irritable/irrational' months and sometimes cramps/dizziness/??? months. Sometimes hardly any change at all.
Hormones 'playing up' can be a 'reason' to you.
Maybe DP needs to learn your 'pattern' and go easy with the tricky questions at the 'wrong' time. If your DP is smart he will fetch you something nice and settle you down.

user1471456357 Mon 22-May-17 22:34:38

I honestly didn't realise I had pmt until I was in my thirties.

mysinkingheart Mon 22-May-17 22:37:28

Even in the massively unlikely case he has developed Pms Super Sensors that work with every single woman he comes into contact with...doesn't excuse being misogynistic and using that super skill to cheat his way out of an argument.

lupa123 Mon 22-May-17 22:45:08

Thanks everyone, you've made me feel a lot better. He's normally not such a sexist twunt, but he seems to have latched on to this and just will not let go. He definitely has control issues though - the argument yesterday was because he got annoyed about some news article and wanted me to agree with him. I didn't agree, but apparently I'm not allowed to have an opinion of my own.

Tinsel I am actually considering L-ingTB, but that's a whole other thread.

Unicorn I LOVE the mid-life crisis idea. I'm going to put that into action immediately.

I saw a poster or fridge magnet or something once: 'It's not PMS, it's YOU'. I'm thinking of painting it in large red letters across the front of the house for when he gets home tomorrow...

outabout Mon 22-May-17 23:01:49

My wife insisted I agree with everything she said, PMT or not.
You don't need 'super sensors', just the ability to count and observe increased irritability.

Yoshimistill Mon 22-May-17 23:17:25

One of my favourite TED talks (if you are bored enough op!)

This is my second TED link today blush


CormorantDevouringTime Mon 22-May-17 23:25:48

Anyone unable to work out the relationship between the initials in PMT and the actual time of the month in which some women get moody has sacrificed his right to have his views taken seriously.
Yes it's a major issue for some women, but if you don't think it's an issue for you then it's probably not - most women with PMT drive themselves nuts with the effort to keep calm and not stab anyone - it's unlikely to be something you wouldn't notice.

WaitingYetAgain Mon 22-May-17 23:45:56

My exP used to do this to me.

It was even more confusing because I did actually have really bad PMS. As a PP said, it made me less tolerant of his bullshit. So what happened was, he cottoned onto this and then would use it at other times of my cycle to say I was being mad/crazy/difficult/annoying/whatever even though I was not PMSing.

It was a control tactic really. It temporarily gave him the upper hand. He could also use it to deflect and make him seem rational and stable and me irrational and unstable.

BubblingUp Mon 22-May-17 23:49:08

It took me decades to realize that during the 3 days before my period everything made me mad, irrationally mad over things that wouldn't make me mad at any other time of the month. Once I connected the two, it was like clockwork. Can you keep a calendar and see if there is any pattern?

user1486956786 Tue 23-May-17 00:11:15

My partner used to do this when we were in earlier years and learning to live together still . It would send me even crazier :-)

1. Learn to just not rise to it. Don't stew on it. He isn't. It's just a comment at the end of the day, don't ruin your day over it

2. Whenever he's stroppy throw it out at him,

3. Do recognise when you are emotional. Mine is usually week leading up to it and try accept and ignore the emotions.

beingsunny Tue 23-May-17 00:18:46

Makes me crazy, I'm irrational, anxious and completely unable to see things like a normal person confused

I am working on this and diet, exercise and supplements have helped enormously.

I am aware of it though, I can look back and see the crazy for what it was.

user1490142285 Tue 23-May-17 00:53:06

Oh ffs, pmt is something you can have or not. What it is not is something you tell someone else they have.
Fwiw men's hormones fluctuate all day every day and they have no predictable monthly cycle to adhere to, so let them account for their nonsense by blaming hormones. If someone is telling you it is your hormones they are being an arse on purpose.
It's like 'first world problems' and all the other stupid things people say to invalidate women's experiences/opinions/emotions/values etc.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: