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Relationships

DH and Bipolar Disorder

10 replies

user1495443140 · 22/05/2017 14:40

Firstly, my apologies because I'm unable to change my username at the moment. It just won't let me, even though I've typed in a password in and saved it!!

Sorry, this is long :(

My DH and I have been married for 21 years. We have two teen DS and one DD.

He has done some appalling things, including leaving his job to go to Uni without consulting me when the oldest was a baby. He then walked out on us for six months. We went to relationship counselling and I took him back. DH also had an affair a few years later.

DH was diagnosed with BPD when the youngest was a toddler which seemed to mitigate somewhat his dreadful behaviour and I agreed to give it one last go.

My self-esteem was zilch as I also had unresolved PTSD following a traumatic birth with DS1.

DS1 was born with a heart condition, which meant that I couldn't take up a place on a PGCE course I had following his birth. The boys also have an ASD and other co-morbid conditions, and so instead of studying PT when the middle one went to school, I have been a FT carer and SAHM.

DH, however, finished his degree and has become self-employed. We agreed to do this, with me supporting his career, because I believed that it wouldn't be forever, and we could still have a comfortable life on his earnings (always had joint finances and shared bank account). We agreed that I would return to Uni as soon as was possible.

Fast forward seven or eight years and we are utterly broke. He works very little because of his condition, and I care for him as well as the kids.

I am in my 40s and we rent, have no savings and are living largely off benefits. I have no career and no support as we live a couple of hundred miles from our home town. His family are not close and I am an only child. My DF died 15 years ago so only DM and I left.

DH's BPD is as bad as it has ever been, and although medicated, it's unstable. We moved away from our home town a few years ago and DH has new consultants and a new medication regime, which is still being reviewed.

This means DH works very little, so we survive on this and the WFTC, and disability benefits. He earned less than £7000 last year, and the year prior to that, but won't claim sickness benefits because of the complication of being self employed.

Our rent is nearly a thousand pounds a month and this leaves little left over to buy clothe, treats, days out, etc.

I feel suicidal and so broken. I love him but don't know how much more I can take. I know that lots of the behaviour has been due to the BPD.

DH loves the kids but because of the meds is emotionally reserved. He will, however, spend time with them and any money he has goes on them.

I also have some chronic health conditions triggered by stress and this means that so
days I can barely walk. I am now seriously overweight and also have alopecia. I feel old and done.

I can't see a future for myself. My beautiful children are my world and I truly love DH but I was once a person with dreams and ambitions and a had a career path. I can't see a way forward and I don't know where to go from here. I only know something has to change.

Please me find a way out of this mess.

OP posts:
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noego · 22/05/2017 18:54

It seems to me that you are the cornerstone of this family and at the moment you are crumbling. You have to fix yourself first and foremost. This will give you the strength to cope with everything that is going on. So therapy is needed and quickly.
You may need to get shut of DH, but this will be a good thing. As he is affecting family life and family life should not be like this. He needs to sort himself out and only he can do it. You cannot help him he needs professional help and lots of it. You are not qualified. You need to concentrate on yourself and your kids that is No 1 priority.

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Haliez13 · 22/05/2017 19:45

BPD normally means borderline personality disorder. Do you mean this or bipolar affective disorder?

First, does he have a CPN or is he in contact with a CMHT? Or is he just under GP's care? Second, how long has he been on the new meds? If you don't mind telling me (PM is fine) which ones he's been on and which ones he's trying I can maybe give a bit of advice. I'm BP1 but have been stable for 5 years. It is a manageable condition but sometimes it can take ages to get to that place and there's no shame in your not being able to continue in the relationship if you can't cope.

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user1495443140 · 22/05/2017 20:35

Noego - I know you are right, and I've been to the GP today. He's referring me to the community mental health team, so that's a start.

You are also right about DH. He certainly needs to take responsibility for his own mental health. I can't do that for him anymore as my poor mental health is having an effect upon the kids. I need to have a good hard think.

Thank you for replying.

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user1495443140 · 22/05/2017 20:46

Haliez - sorry, I meant Bipolar Disorder 1.

DH is under the CMHT but has had three psychiatrists already in the last 2 years. DH doesn't have a CPN, although I think he could do with one.

He's taking Depakote and has been for a while, but in the last couple of months was changed from Citolopram to Sertraline. DH has massive lows which cripple him on a regular basis.

If I can PM you that would be great (still getting to grips with the site). I know that his condition can be more stable than it is, even if it's just for the kids.
Thank you.

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twentytwotwentysix · 22/05/2017 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haliez13 · 22/05/2017 21:58

He's BP1 and on SSRIs??

Goodness, that would make me totally impossible to live with.

Hang on - I'll PM you.

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user1495443140 · 22/05/2017 22:13

Twenty two - I agree I minimise. Constantly. Not good. I cannot work out anymore what is personality and what is condition.

Thank you for the flowers. It's painful but a relief to finally confront what's been happening.

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HelsinkiLights · 22/05/2017 22:22

I'm just wondering if your DH's Depakote dosage is too high? As you say he's suffering from crippling depressions.
Has he ever been on Lithium that's usually the gold standard for Bipolar 1.
Unfortunately Bipolar runs in my family and it's a real balancing act to get the mess just right.
PM me if you want to talk more.

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twentytwotwentysix · 23/05/2017 13:57

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twentytwotwentysix · 23/05/2017 14:10

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