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What should I do? DP disappearing after argument.

(92 Posts)
coconutterly Mon 22-May-17 14:00:57

On Saturday eve DP and I had a big but petty argument. It's not often we do that but it does happen occasionally, he'd just had a long day at work and I'm really stressed out finishing my masters, I feel like I've been permanently in a bit of a low mood recently. The 'argument' was both our faults. And fwiw I've been a bit low recently too as we're moving in together soon and spending 90% of our time at his place, most of that time he plays video games- I wanted Saturday afternoon off work to spend with him, we got back to his house and he immediately started gaming, as always. I suppose I was annoyed about that too which probably influenced my bad mood.

I had a lot of MA work to do (that was due today, it's finally over!) so I decided to go home, I still felt angry and didn't want to argue anymore, I felt like I needed a calm quiet place to work away from it all. He asked me not to go and said he was cooking me something for dinner, but I said it was probably better if I did because I needed to focus on my work and I didn't want to sit in another room knowing he was annoyed with me over something so silly. He said then that if I apologised we'd be fine, but I said I didn't want to apologise because it wasn't solely my fault at all - and DP seems obsessed with having me apologise, or accept blame for arguments/disagreements and I HATE it. So I left.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling a bit mean about the whole thing so I texted to say I was sorry, I was angry and just needed a bit of space to do my work but I was genuinely sorry for what'd happened. He read the message and didn't respond. Ditto the next five messages I sent (they weren't long, just a line or two saying sorry/please talk to me/what's going on). I sent a message saying please just respond and tell me if you want more space, I'm just starting to worry. No response!

I was meant to be going over to his that evening anyway, so I still went at about 8pm and he wasn't there, his flatmate said he hadn't been there all day. It got to about 10pm and I started to get seriously quite worried/upset. It's not like him to maintain silence. I texted the few friends I thought he may be with, and all of them said they weren't with him. He did finally text back saying he was fine and would talk to me later.

He finally resurfaced this morning to say he was just really angry after what happened on Saturday and wanted a day to himself. I totally get that, of course, but it felt cruel to not just say that yesterday when I was going out of my mind with worry (and trying to finish a huge essay...).

I also am worried still because have no idea where he was all day. But I'm going to ask him tonight when I see him. I know on MN everyone is quick to say he's cheating but honestly I really really don't think that he was. I just am slightly baffled. I can say with faith I know he hasn't been seeing someone else already, so if it were that he'd been with another woman all day, it'd have had to all been arranged and happened in one day which seems just a bit confused but that said, most of our friends are mutual and I can't think who he would've been with all day if none of them. That and the fact that he wouldn't answer the phone all day, and I know he's skint right now so I don't think he'd have gone out drinking all day too. Not sure if he knows i went round to his house or spoke to friends so at least if something awful has happened and he tries to cover it up, I'll know he's lying.

Was I overreacting to be upset about him ignoring me all day? Was me leaving on Saturday a really horrible thing to do? sad I suppose if he'd have done that to me I'd be raging.
I feel like maybe I was, because we are quite a 'close' couple and stay in contact a lot, see each other every day kind of thing.

ImperialBlether Mon 22-May-17 14:03:03

All of that would put me right off moving in with him. I just couldn't be bothered with the drama. Also I wouldn't want to live with a gamer - I'd be bored sick. Do you think you should rethink things?

FinallyHere Mon 22-May-17 14:05:13

Count yourself lucky that you have seen this side of him before moving in together.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 22-May-17 14:07:09

Gather up your self respect and tell him to fuck off not bloody sorry!!
What a man child. .

NellieFiveBellies Mon 22-May-17 14:10:16

you want to move in with someone who will spend 90% of his time gaming? and who harangues you for apologies ?
you storming out was childish yes but he ignored you for a day in order to punish you. you want to live with that?

ok, i know this isnt the point of the post but you dont think that he will be any different if you move in together do you? you know you are choosing a sulky gamer?

re your actual question (sorry. it just seems nuts to sign up for living with him!) id probably be pissed off with someone who stormed off but i wouldnt ignore them. id tell them to leave me alone. like i say, i think he did that to punish you.

good luck living together. thanks

Plumkettle Mon 22-May-17 14:12:20

Does he ever apologise for his part in a row?

It would be a red flag for me if I was always the one apologising and met with silence.

Adora10 Mon 22-May-17 14:17:34

So his way of dealing with disagreements is to put all the blame on you and then punish you without admitting any part.

I'd not move in with a person that behaved this way; so bloody childish.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 22-May-17 14:17:39

You seem very young, say early 20s?. Would not settle for this whatever age you are at.

I would cancel the moving in together thing (it reads like a DFS - disaster from the start) and actually reassess your whole future within this relationship. His behaviour is the root cause of you being in a bad mood. His sulkiness is also emotionally abusive in nature; sulking is never about silence, more like control instead.

Why are you two together at all, you both seem totally different to each other. Which brings me to my other point, why is your relationship bar so low that you are with someone who puts gaming above you. You're still going to come a dim and distant second to his gaming habit even if you do figure on his priority list.

Stormtreader Mon 22-May-17 14:20:03

If he always makes you apologise and this was a rare time that you didnt just take all the blame, I suspect that his day of vanishing was to punish you with a day of worrying for not just apologising again.

coconutterly Mon 22-May-17 14:24:07

I am kind of rethinking things, but I feel sick at the thought of losing him, I don't know. I think you're right Nellie that it was punishment. It just seems such a cruel thing to do to me.

We have a good relationship generally, and it's only recently the gaming thing has gotten too much. I was hoping to speak to him about it and say now my MA is over and my free time isn't going to be spent working hopefully we'll be able to do more stuff together.

The apologies thing is really bad, yes. what he actually said was 'well I think I deserve an apology' and I just got so angry. It is probably the one thing I really dislike about him. He does admit guilt/admit doing things wrong if it's not in a confrontational sense but it just seems like whenever we argue he's desperate to not be blamed confused I remember one time he came to me after we had a bit of a spat which was definitely his fault but he didn't say sorry, just said let's forget it happened.

Ughhhhhh.

MrsChopper Mon 22-May-17 14:27:50

Run for the hills while you're not trapped in commitments to this manchild. You can do better, OP.

NellieFiveBellies Mon 22-May-17 14:32:14

i think id feel more sick at the thought of the rest of my life with a gamer who strops and punishes me.

its not like he's going to have a personality transplant after you shack up.

or if you have kids.

and if you think you hate it now, wait till you're running yourself ragged being a grown up and he's sat on the floor in his pants playing call of duty.

if you expect him to be anything other than who he has shown himself to be you are fooling yourself.

sign up for it by all means.
but dont sign up for it then complain that you got what you signed up for.

its your choice of course, but ( if you dont mind the unasked for advice )- i wouldnt!

hellsbellsmelons Mon 22-May-17 14:33:18

Google 'Stonewalling abuse'
It's a horrible thing to do to someone.
And he is gaming 90% of the time?
And you are putting up with this shite because...?????

NellieFiveBellies Mon 22-May-17 14:33:25

oh yes. and the nothing ever being his fault is infuriating.

you will grow to loathe it.

trust me.

been there.

ImperialBlether Mon 22-May-17 14:35:38

Have a google of Sunk Cost Fallacy.

Don't forget it wasn't your MA that stopped you communicating - it was his gaming. Now that your MA is over, you're very naive to think he'll stop gaming.

coconutterly Mon 22-May-17 14:38:29

Wow, I just looked up stonewalling quickly, it's very familiar sad so many times when we've been in an argument he just shuts down and refuses to look at/speak to me anymore, or just says 'I'm not arguing' to any sort of attempt to fix it. Wow

Adora10 Mon 22-May-17 14:40:18

He's not capable of a full on adult relationship, he's showing you that, he can't even say sorry when it is his fault; how do you think that will pan out when you are living with him and he's gaming most of the time and then blaming you for the shit he hasn't done; doesn't sound much fun to me, to always be blamed, it will wear you down.

WicksEnd Mon 22-May-17 14:41:47

It's quite an uncomfortable read to see how passive you are in this relationship.
You'll be walking on egg shells with this man every single day of your life if you move in with him, too scared to rock the boat so you'll keep schtum to avoid his sulk n blame cycle.
Men like this do not make good fathers or husbands. They make women shells of their former selves though, slowly.
Please walk away.

SuperSix77 Mon 22-May-17 14:52:25

Run. Run for the hills. He is (emotionally, at least) about 14. Do adult men really spend time gaming? Really??!! That alone would be a deal breaker for me. But on top of that bullshit he's a childish moron too. You can do soooooooo much better.

ravenmum Mon 22-May-17 15:01:19

I feel sick at the thought of losing him
Just make sure it is him you don't want to lose, not fantasy him, the man you thought he was, or the man he is on a good day!

TheNaze73 Mon 22-May-17 15:13:00

Can see both sides here

Aquamarine1029 Mon 22-May-17 15:29:53

The honeymoon is over and he is showing his true colors. Why would you want to be with a petulant, passive-aggressive man-child? His immaturity is shocking. He is showing you who he is. Believe him!

sonjadog Mon 22-May-17 15:36:38

Oh no, don´t end up in a relationship with a man who wants you to take the blame for all disagreements and can´t accept it is ever fault. Please don´t. It will wear you down and you will end up so angry and resentful. Walk away from this one. Wouldn´t be nice to be with someone who could talk through disagreements and who had the emotional maturity to admit that he can also make mistakes?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 22-May-17 15:36:52

Agree with previous posters, his disappearing act and blanking your efforts to communicate all Sunday were meant to get you back in line. Had he simply said, I need some time to process what you said to me, that would have been direct and at least a response.

In moderation video games are a diversion, a simple way to have fun, but he seems to take you for granted and risks tuning you out.
If he is skint I appreciate he won't have spare cash to spend on treats but some sort of quality time together should be possible.

I imagine he thought cooking for you was a massive gesture on his part, which when you rejected it (too little too late) felt like a slap in the face.He might well look forward to you moving in but I hope he doesn't view you as a girlfriend appliance, you know you're better than that.

Hermonie2016 Mon 22-May-17 16:06:21

Good communication is needed when you argue, sure you can both be upset but what you do afterwards is really important.Arguments will happen, especially through stressful life events.

Its the one lesson I wish I learnt from 2 bad relationships, the signs were there but I didn't know they were serious red flags.

If you are stonewalled or made to apologise you start to feel it's always your fault.Over time that erodes self esteem and build resentment which sours the relationship.
Look up healthy ways to resolve difficulties..no where is is recommended to ignore your partner causing them to worry.That's not timeouts but manipulative.

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