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I've told him it's over but now what?

(8 Posts)
EmotinallyRetired Mon 22-May-17 10:42:40

Name changed for this.
I finally ended things with him 3 days ago. It's taken so much put of me the last few days, I am so emotionally drained.
He was abusive and I finally had the courage to call him on it and of course, got the sob story, the cracked voice and "tears", he begged me for forgiveness, for another chance. I have tried to be nice about it (I know that sounds weird) but we have children so I don't want to hurt him even more, he's already very upset about it. He even told me he was planning to propose soon.
I felt like these were all last ditch attempts at getting me to say 'ok one more chance.'

I'm really surprised at myself I managed to stay strong and I didn't let anything that he said break me down.

Question is, where do we go from here? We live in a rented property, I'm a SAHM and he works full time.

Neither of us want to keep stay in this house, but I have no where to go and the only place he has is his parents house. It seems to be too painful for us both to be living in such close quarters.
I've got a rough idea of how we could effectively co-parent and what days he'd have the kids.
I know I'm going to have to make a claim for some benefits now until I can find a part time job or something.

But it's still all so raw.

If I try and start a conversation about 'what we do now' I feel like I'm rubbing salt into the wound. And I'm pretty sure he'll get arsy about certain things, not because he's trying to be awkward but because he's upset.

FML I don't know what to do... I feel like such a failure right now.

EmotinallyRetired Mon 22-May-17 11:24:53

Anyone?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Mon 22-May-17 11:33:22

Hoping someone will be along with some practical advice for you. I'm not sure where you go from here.

How long is left on your rental agreement? Have you got some time to be able to get things in order?

Unfortunately you are going to have to have difficult conversations with him in order to sort practicalities out.

Stay strong x

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 22-May-17 11:35:47

Whatever you want to do your feelings( and dc ob) are you priority. Not his. .
Or stay together to keep him happy and you continue to be bloody miserable!!
And no he wasn't about to propose. Please don't fall for that old chestnut. .

FatOldBag Mon 22-May-17 11:36:25

He's abusive and doesn't want to split. Don't ask him what to do now, he won't help you. You come up with a plan for where you'll live and how you'll co-parent (days/times etc) and tell him how it's going to be (on your way out the door, or preferably once you've left).

Wormulonian Mon 22-May-17 11:43:43

Tell him he needs to go and stay with his parents - it will give you some headspace.

Where do live - do you rent? or will you have to sell up? Are you married? How do you want to split any assets? Go on an online benfits calculator - e.g. directgov or Turn2us and work out your benefits. Tell HMRC Tax credits about the change in circumstances - you may be entitled to more money. Tell Local Council - get the council tax reduction for a single (adult) person household. Make a list of practical concerns and work through them but give yourself time to grieve. Be very kind to yourself.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 22-May-17 11:46:38

Contact CAB and find out what you would be entitled to and how you go about claiming it.
Check HERE to see what he would need to pay in maintenance.
What notice period do you have on your accommodation?
You will need to give notice asap as it's often a good few months.

Well done on staying strong and ending it.
You didn't fall for his crap!
Keep strong and get proactive now on how you can separate.

EmotinallyRetired Mon 22-May-17 12:07:44

Thank you all so much, some really good advice.
Fatoldbag that's a great idea - he doesn't seem in the right place to be making decisions, and our whole relationship was me giving him the decision and not making one together or just by myself.
I'll write out some major things that need to be sorted and then deal with the rest when it isn't so fresh.
We've rented this place for years so I think we're just on a rolling month by month type of contract.
I don't have money to rent somewhere else (for a bond and fees etc) but I really don't want to stay here, too many memories and I need a fresh start.
We've got a joint bank account which needs sorting.

I think he should stay with his parents, only downside to that is that I've had to cut contact with MIL because she's very controlling and spitful towards me (always has been) so now she'll get to see DC again because they have to see their dad.

What a mess sad

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