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What is going on with this woman?(61 Posts)
A few years ago my DH used to work with a woman. They got on well at work and were quite "close" at work (i.e. they'd ask each other about their partners, holidays, weekend plans etc.). When I say "close" I don't mean anything inappropriate at all but at DH's workplace people didn't really talk about their private lives with each other. That's what I mean by close.
When DH was leaving, he exchanged numbers with this woman and they became friends on FB. She suggested that me/DH and her/her then DP met up and had dinner. We went out once with them for a couple of drinks but her and her DP weren't getting on well so it was all a bit awkward and it didn't happen again.
Anyway, since DH has left this workplace they've stayed in contact. They meet up every few months for a coffee and a catch up. They both work in the same field so have that in common. There are rarely emails in between these catch up but they're friends on FB and comment/like each others stuff (nothing out of the ordinary).
But, over the last few years, there are a few strange things that have happened which makes me think something odd is going on. They're really quite minor things and nothing that would set alarm bells on their own but when you put them altogether something seems odd.
So, first. Every time me and DH have or do something pretty major in our lives, she finds an excuse to text DH. For example, she text him on our wedding day letting him know she might be a bit late, she text him on the day we were flying out for a pretty massive holiday, she text him on the day we signed our papers for our house. It's only once every year or so that it'll happen but it's every time. And the messages will always be quite cryptic so DH has to text back. I feel it's like whenever we have something "sacred" for the two of us, she has to remind DH of her existence.
Then there is the copying me. This sounds bonkers I know but she's copied me quite a few times on really silly things. For example, I put a pink toner on my hair, then she dyed her hair purple. I got my nose pierced, then she her lip pierced. I took up netball, then she took up football. These things will only happen every few months (or whenever I do something quite drastic and copy-able).
Because these things are only happening a few times a year they're not particularly noticeable but when you put them altogether, I can't help but feel something's wrong. My friend thinks she's infatuated with DH. I don't know though.
And what should DH do about it? He hadn't noticed what was going on until I pointed it out to him and then he said it might just be coincidence. But even if it's not, what can he say ("stop copying my DW" sounds nuts).
Sorry for the long post. I'm just mulling this over and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone IRL because it sounds completely mad!
It does sound like she has a crush on him. I think the only way your DH can try to "manage" it is not reply when she's texting on a big day/event. If he's replying to her cryptic texts then she's getting the attention that she seems to crave.
Hmmm these things alone don't sound like anything to me tbh. Does she act like she's infatuated with him in any more obvious way?
psounds like a crush to me.. she is trying to get your dh attention best thing he can do it not reply to her on the day of the event and perhaps reply a few days later saying sorry for late reply was busy doing something with my wife.. everytime she trys to get attention he could bring the conversation back to him and you. iykwim.
I get what you're saying.
You might be wrong but I think you very probably aren't.
The crucial thing is your DH's attitude towards this. Did he completely dismiss it? Do you get a vibe from him? I think it's quite unusual for someone to have a crush and the recipient be TOTALLY unaware, if they're reaonably good friends. What do you think he really thinks?
The answer: now you've pointed it out, tell him that if it's just a coincidence fine ,but your prediction is that next time a 'big' thing happens, she will find an excuse to text. If that happens, you're asking him NOT to reply, at least not until the 'thing' is over - maybe just leave it a day.
An experiment, if you will. See what happens then...
FellOutOfBed No, she doesn't. I guess that's my issue really. If she was very blatantly infatuated or fancied him then he could clearly do something about it (i.e. "it's inappropriate to say/do that") but it's not obvious or blatant. That's why I sound bonkers!
DH doesn't always reply but that's mainly because he's useless. As I said, he hadn't even noticed she was doing it until I pointed it out to him.
FizzyGreen I genuinely don't think DH thought anything was untoward but last week we started our extension on our house and I pointed it out to him. I said to DH "wait for Carole's [not real name] text then" and when he asked what I meant, I said that she'd text on every single major thing we'd ever done and he was like "Oh yeah, I guess so but it's just coincidence isn't it?"
Anyway, the text came and I was like "see, see" and I think he did start to think more about it. Anyway, he didn't text back.
Ah so an experiment wouldn't necessarily work then, if he doesn't always reply.
Not cricket to ask him to cool a friendship on these grounds, but perhaps next time they meet for a coffee, you could go too? Not to police or anything but maybe the answer is to truly make her a joint friend. You'd either get this nagging feeling sorted and maybe make a closer friend yourself, or she might stop doing it.
How does she know about these major events? Is it through FB?
I'd be tempted to make some shit up, see what she does.
Hmm thinking of it another way though, it could be that as they're 'once every few months' friends, then it's only when 'big' things are happening that she actually thinks to text - because he (and you) are in her mind?
Depends on the content of the texts?
It sounds to me that she'd like to be closer to him.
I think I would mention something to her when I saw her - perhaps a gentle enquiry about her interests seeming similar. I would want to see her reaction and subtly let her know that I've noticed. But that's just me - I'm not suggesting you should do that.
What if he lost her number?
Eg. If you were to 'accidentally' delete it from his phone.
How does she know about the date of big holidays, extension etc if your dh isn't telling her? And if he is telling her he needs to stop. It's getting fucking weird now. Either they're a lot closer than he's letting on, or she's just some weirdo he worked with years ago and he should be able to cut her off without a second thought - just stop replying.
The content of the texts isn't usually related (or only distantly so) to our major event- if it was like "good luck starting the building work", that'd be completely fine. But it's not, it's always something which focuses attention on to her.
The day we got married, she text him saying she might be late because of "a disaster at home", for example. So it wasn't really to do with the wedding, but about her. IYKWIM.
She knows about these major events mainly through them having coffee, emails they exchange (usually only every few months and normally to arrange meeting up) and some things from FB. I think she must write some of this stuff down though because I'd never remember the exact week a friend was starting building work!
I'm not friends with her on FB.
Is it possible your dh is in touch with her more than he's let on? That would explain how she knows all these things.
I really don't think so Yellow. We basically share phones, we know each other's passwords etc.
I think DH needs to cut down on the contact with her, especially the coffees.
It may be in all innocence, but in her head she might think it's more important to him than it actually is.
If she's not in a good relationship she might have a bit of a crush on your DH and wouldn't do him any good to encourage that.
I'd tell him that she's blatantly imitating you, purposely trying to insert herself at every opportunity and that he needs to cut her out or you'll cut him out. She sounds like a bunny boiling psycho. If you don't have kids with him, I'd personally donate him to her crazy if he insisted on keeping her in his life. Fuck that.
I'd probably send her a text too... Dear psycho stalker, dp and I have been showing all our friends how you're constantly imitating me. Gave us a great laugh. Should I be worried for the bunnies? PS... Get a life.
Invite yourself along for a coffee. . See what her reaction is when you both arrive. .
Don't text her, you'll look threatened and if she is after your DH will love the power. I would be more inclined to turn up with DH next time they're meeting for coffee. If it's really bothering you that much it's fine to ask your DH to stop meeting up. Your dh sounds reasonable and should understand if it's causing upset in your marriage.
Hmm there's no way I would be happy with my husband meeting up with an ex colleague for cosy coffees. I know on mn it's fine to have friends of the opposite sex but this set up has never been on in my relationships and works both ways too. I wouldn't trust either of them.
I agree with pp, tag along for the coffee date.
She knows full well what she's doing even if your DH doesn't.
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