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He hit her!

(65 Posts)
FlossyMooToo Mon 22-May-17 07:38:54

I visted my oldest friend at the weekend and her partner or 15 years assulted her in front of me.

He smashed her head in to the kitchen cabinate. She won't leave him. She made excuses for him. I have never liked him but i was civil towards him because I love my friend.
I am trying to understand and I want to be supportive but I am so angry with her for not leaving him. I know it is complicated, her whole life is controlled by him and her leaving would cause her DD who is pregnant and has 2 dds of her own to become homeless.
Its such a mess and I want to do the right things so that she does not feel abandond by me but at the same time i cant be around her.

I hate him so much.

leighdinglady Mon 22-May-17 07:41:22

If he does that in front of you imagine what he does behind closed doors. Call the police. Or at least call a women's charity for advice on how to help her

user1486956786 Mon 22-May-17 07:44:29

What a vile man. My dad used to hit my mum, she couldn't leave, he wouldn't let her. It's not as simple as it may seem from the outset. She only left once she found someone else. She lost the house, me and my brother for years (my dad turned us against her). These men are the lowest most disgusting bullies.

I can only suggest you ring woman's aid for some advice?

Do you ever get alone time with her without him?

Don't be angry at her, let her know you will always be there for her anytime day or night. Should she get the strength to want to leave she needs to know you will not judge her and will be there for her.

TanteRose Mon 22-May-17 07:44:32

Smashing someone into a cabinet is serious serious assault - I would have called the police then and there.

You realise he could end up killing her? 2 women are killed by their partner every single week in the UK.

if you love her, you need to call the police

so sorry that your friend is going through this flowers

FlossyMooToo Mon 22-May-17 07:47:42

She says he has not done it before. I dont know if i believe her.
She would not let me call the police. She begged me not to and used her DD and DGC as the reason. I was so shocked I just wanted to get her and me away from him.

Her DD is about to start the freedom programme as she has recently left an abusive relationship. I supported her to contact WA as she suffered EA at the hands of her ex but did not realise it. I have sent my friend WA details and begged her to speak to them.

TanteRose Mon 22-May-17 07:50:31

oh Flossy, it sounds so difficult sad

I guess all you can do is try and be there for her.
But it is absolutely shocking that he did that while you were there - as someone said, imagine what he does when no-one else is watching.

it is terrifying, but all too common...

onalongsabbatical Mon 22-May-17 07:51:26

Christ, that's terrible, and she's in a really complicated and vulnerable position. I totally get why your so angry with her, too.
If I were you I'd ring women's aid and get some concrete advice on what's best to do for her, but, ultimately, if she won't tell on him I don't know what you can do. But please get some professional advice and support - you're traumatised by what you've seen, and there's a lot of vulnerable people who are being intimidated by him.
I'm guessing he monitors her communications, and especially now that he knows you've seen, so I'd certainly get advice before contacting her or you could make things worse for her.
The good thing is, someone outside now knows. There's hope for change. But they've been together a long time, nothings likely to happen quickly unless she sees the light.

Cricrichan Mon 22-May-17 07:54:32

You need to report it. Even if she does end up staying, the fact that it's been reported and the police have gotten involved might make him think twice about doing it again. If he knows his abuse has been witnessed and nothing's happened, he will probably ramp up the abuse as he'll know he can get away with it.

FlossyMooToo Mon 22-May-17 07:58:30

He controls her and her dds life so much.
Her DD has suffered unimaginable trauma in childhood and is now 26 and a mum. She views this scumbag as a father figure and like her mum is financially tied to him.

They live in a different part of the country to me and have no family support. Everyone they know there are his family and his friends.
He hates me and hates it when i visit which is not often over a year ago since I was last there. He doesnt let her visit me. He sulks or creats some deama/plans something so she cant come.

I am at work all day but will call WA when i get home.

Thank you for the support.

MrsBertBibby Mon 22-May-17 08:19:14

Not much of a home for those children, is it? Report it to the police now. If their mother and grandmother won't protect them, then social services will have to.

loveyoutothemoon Mon 22-May-17 08:19:28

Try and call them during the day.

FlossyMooToo Mon 22-May-17 08:22:19

The DGC dont live with him but the live in a house he owns and if my friend leaves him he will make them all homeless.

I am in meetings all day so i will have to call them tomorrow.

Cricrichan Mon 22-May-17 08:44:06

He smashed her head in the cabinet in front of you. Imagine what he does without witnesses. He could kill her. How much more traumatic for her DD if her mum ends up being murdered? Will her daughter not get council accommodation etc? Maybe your friend and her daughter could move in together? They could work and look after the children - take it in turns, to pay the rent. One could work evenings, the other days etc.

FlossyMooToo Mon 22-May-17 09:09:19

I went through all of the possibilities with her. I offered them all to come stay with me. I live in the city they used to live and they have some familiy here.
She promised me he had not done ut befire but I told her that it makes him doing it in front of me worse!
I am trying not to put pressure in her but get through to her at the same time.

Dawnedlightly Mon 22-May-17 09:16:45

Flossy leaving it until tomorrow isn't good enough. You've seen the reality of the violence; you have to report it urgently.

onalongsabbatical Mon 22-May-17 09:17:00

Floss you could be her only lifeline, you're right to be cautious, if she thinks you're going to aggravate the situation she'll stop confiding in you. I get what people are saying but just calling the police isn't going to help her, in my opinion. They could turn up and make him a whole lot worse without finding out anything or having any grounds to arrest him. Will you keep us posted? Thank you.
I'm glad she's got you. But you might be ALL that she's got, so you don't want to jeopardise that by blundering in.

RJnomore1 Mon 22-May-17 09:18:08

You don't go from nothing to that sort of assault in front of a witness do you?

Was he drinking? It's no excuse but just for context.

It's incredibly hard seeing someone like that and being powerless op. She knows you're there for her.

RJnomore1 Mon 22-May-17 09:18:59

Onalong is right sadly.

Women's aid should have good advice.

onalongsabbatical Mon 22-May-17 09:19:17

I wasn't posting to contradict Dawned, it was a crosspost - I agree it's urgent, but I think advice from Women's Aid is first. Because they are the experts and they will understand what to do and how it could pan out.

fridayrain Mon 22-May-17 09:21:13

My biological dad killed my mum. Please phone the police. Try and get them rehoused back to where you live now. She is clearly not strong enough to do this herself and she needs help.

ShoesHaveSouls Mon 22-May-17 09:27:52

I also know someone whose biological dad killed her mum. In front of her. She was 7.

It's so awful - I used to think "why don't they leave?" - until I saw the Panorama on DV, with the woman who said "She can't leave - she might be killed." It's terrifying.

I'm not sure about calling the police on her behalf - she's likely to deny to the police through fear, and then he'll take it out on her. Can she be encouraged to make a call to Women's Aid?

RockyBird Mon 22-May-17 09:29:45

If he's willing to do that in front of you, what's he doing behind closed doors?

MrsBertBibby Mon 22-May-17 09:31:39

The police don't need her evidence to prosecute. They have yours.

C4pinkwheels Mon 22-May-17 09:36:32

When men like that get to the point where they are careless and lash out in front of people they are on a well documented continuum heading towards more extreme violence and possibly murder.

From the time my first husband hit me in front of other people to the night he tried to murder me was five months. I was subjected to three hours of torturous beating before my then seven year old daughter managed to phone the police.

Her DD would get help as a priority if she were made homeless because she has children, if she is part of a freedom programme she may be able to get a place in a refuge. There are steps he has to go through in order to evict her from his property, if he became threatening or violent she could take out an injunction to protect herself and her DC. Your friend could have him arrested and while he is being held for questioning get an injunction to prevent him entering the property which will give her the breathing space she needs to escape. No amount of financial dependance is worth being beaten.

If anyone had phoned the police for me I would have been so grateful, to have that burden taken away would have meant the world. It would have meant that someone else recognised my suffering and the years of brainwashing that made it all my fault could've been acknowledged by me for the first time.

You must tell the police or WA what is going on.

RJnomore1 Mon 22-May-17 09:47:55

The problem is you can't just rehouse someone against their wishes and you risk driving her away (or him removing you from her life completely). I agree it's completely awful and urgent and absolutely should be police but I still think wa first for advice.

I'm so sorry for those of you who have been through this or lost someone flowers

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