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What I didn't know didn't hurt me?

(169 Posts)
happygolucky2017 Mon 22-May-17 01:15:28

Here goes.. I'm prepared to be told I'm stupid and only thing to do is end it. sad

Been dating a guy for 7 months now, no label on it yet but to me we're pretty much together. Tonight he fell asleep and I've gone through his phone without him knowing (call me a pyscho haha) because I had a feeling there was something he was hiding. Long story short, he's been messaging a fair few other girls (some quite explicit). I'm absolutely head over heals for this man. He also admitted there were feelings on his side too recently. My question is to my fellow mumsnetters how on earth do I check where I stand or what we are without him knowing I've totally invaded is privacy??

Nocabbageinmyeye Mon 22-May-17 01:25:20

Honestly if you have reason to check his phone after only seven months then I would just walk away now, you know where you stand already

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Mon 22-May-17 01:28:49

"I'm prepared to be told I'm stupid and only thing to do is end it."...great advice, do this smile

Fluffypinkpyjamas Mon 22-May-17 01:44:59

Why would you not just walk away?

Justbreaking Mon 22-May-17 01:49:32

I'm sorry you've had to find this out, your thread title says what you didn't know didn't hurt you - but you had a hunch, followed it, and now you do know.
I'm at the end of that cycle. I ignored my hunches and gut feelings, and I'm paying for it.
You said that there's 'no label' but is there an expectation that you are exclusive? If there is then you have given yourself the best advice.
If not then work into a conversation about other people, if he lies then unfortunately he'll probably continue what he's doing and continue to lie about it.
If you want to see how that pans out read my thread on here.
Do it now, yes it will hurt but less than finding out you've been cheated on and lied to for months/years.
Good luck OP - I know how hard this is.

Plunkette Mon 22-May-17 01:59:17

You don't love him because you don't trust him.

It turns out you are right not to.

So you don't trust him.
He doesn't respect you.
Deceit on both sides.

What have you got? Not much tbh.

emesis Mon 22-May-17 02:01:02

It's time to cut and run! It's so so so very hard, when you've lost your heart to someone, but you'll be saving yourself a lot of trouble and more pain if you do it now.

Do you have any good friends who can support you? Get them onside to take you out or watch a movie or go away for a few days or something. You need to make a complete break for it to stick.

intergalacticbrexitdisco Mon 22-May-17 02:16:23

You want this to happen again when you are married to him, with kids?

Thought not...'cause it will.

user1486956786 Mon 22-May-17 02:21:03

7 months is a relationship in my mind, you don't need a talk if you are adults.

He's definitely not as into it as you are so I'd walk away now.

DownTownAbbey Mon 22-May-17 02:31:30

I don't understand this American dating thing. I would assume after seven months that we were exclusive.

He's not the man you thought he was I'm afraid.

mylaststraw Mon 22-May-17 03:26:17

He's sending explicit messages to a number of other women? Why would you want to stay with him?

PyongyangKipperbang Mon 22-May-17 03:55:22

You know where you stand, so why do you need to ask him?

Dump him. Firstly because he is a dick and you can do better and secondly because players hate getting dumped so that is a nice victory for you over a total dickhead.

LedaP Mon 22-May-17 05:26:02

So he has never said he us only seeing you?

TheBakeryQueen Mon 22-May-17 06:03:50

Yes you definitely need to move on. You don't need to tell him the real reason.

Also get an sti check up.

Happyfoodie50 Mon 22-May-17 07:22:42

Been there, done that.. I too got to the stage I was looking down his phone but saw stuff that wasn't as bad as you have, just conversations with lots of female work colleagues, nothing explicit but friendly banter but different to how he was with me plus never talked about these women ever so was shocked he had secret friendships. This was just Making funny jokes, making lots of effort that wasn't directed at me so feels so horrible and feel so sorry you're caught in this predicament. If that was me I would just work it into a conversation and ask whether he's seeing anyone else and go by his reaction. With my situation I blurted out .. who's Penny pretending that i saw her name pop up in his phone. It turned out he was having an affair but I told myself at the time why would he string me along , sex was good, we did nice stuff , booking holidays etc but some men like to have a mix of different situations going on.

ShieldMaidenMamma Mon 22-May-17 07:30:43

Think about how you feel now, and ask yourself how you'd feel when for example all postnatal, a different shape, suddenly a lot more dependant on him and wondering if he's still texting other women. I'm pretty sure you already know the answer here. If he's fun, let him be fun. But don't try to build anything on it.

happygolucky2017 Mon 22-May-17 08:37:46

I know I should just walk away, not explain myself to him. I know if I do that, there will be a load what ifs on my part. There will be no closure for me and it'll chew me up more than it is already.

He puts a lot of effort into what we have, I can't deny him that. We're supposed to be going away this weekend somewhere he promised he would take me from day one.

I only checked the phone out of curiosity as I'd seen a girls name pop up when he opened his phone and he said she was a mate then started to hide his phone, I thought it would only confirm what he said, oops.

We've been through the "I'm not dating anyone else" conversation and we've agreed we're on the same page hmm although, messaging people isn't dating them is it! HA!

I think I'll try and catch him out today, but need to think of the words to use.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Mon 22-May-17 08:46:54

Closure isn't really a thing when you already know the other party will lie and deny all the way through. By telling you that he wasn't seeing other peopl, he knew exactly what he's was doing then lied about it and he's already lying to you about his 'friend', therefore I have great doubts you'll get any honest answers from him.
Be thankful you found out so early on and give him the boot.

Cricrichan Mon 22-May-17 08:47:17

If he's messaging girls when you're supposed to be in the first flush of love at only 7 months, then he's not into you. He may like you and fancy you but that's it. Don't waste anymore time on him. You don't need more proof or answers.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Mon 22-May-17 08:47:44

WAIt. I missed the last bit. Why do you need to 'try and catch him out'?! You already know what you neeed to know.

troodiedoo Mon 22-May-17 08:56:21

OP the only closure you'll get is lies and possibly anger/blame directed at you for snooping.

You're going to let him talk his way out of it aren't you. Please don't. Just dump him and get on with your life.

AhYerWill Mon 22-May-17 08:59:00

If you've had the 'we're not dating anyone else' chat then he knows you are expecting him to be faithful. This isn't a miscommunication over your relationship status, this is him showing you that he's a liar and a cheat. Bin before you get in any deeper - his behaviour will only get worse and you'll only get more hurt.

Justbreaking Mon 22-May-17 09:07:02

By what you've described he'll lie to you about it, get angry at you for snooping (when in fact he's angry at being caught) and then he'll probably attempt some sort of manipulation to get you to either think you're the one in the wrong and you're crazy, or project on to you. When he's got you there he'll then 'forgive you'. Don't be a mug. He's messaging other women whilst in a committed relationship.

C0RAL Mon 22-May-17 09:12:53

What just breaking said.

happygolucky2017 Mon 22-May-17 09:40:18

Oh, I know you are all so right.

Why am I being so stupid? This is why I love this site, makes you think twice about your actions and everyone talks so much sense. He doesn't think much of me clearly, and underestimates my intelligence thinking I wouldn't find out.

Haven't spoken yet today, he will probably message around lunch time asking how I am. Do I just ignore him? blush

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