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PLEASE READ AND HELP

(41 Posts)
mrnoone Sun 21-May-17 07:56:41

Hi, basically I will sum up what's happened.
Me and my girlfriend had a baby young, this stressed her out more than she realised and started getting depressed, somewhere along the line this became my fault.
In order for her to get her head in shape, we decided to have a break where I stay at my mums with our son for a few days and then he goes to hers and stays with her, this way we both had a break from being parents. However, this was meant to be a 2 week thing and it is currently the 7th week because it is not working. She claims this is because I can't leave her alone for more than a day, which is true, I miss her more than anything, if it was my way I would never of had this break! So because I try and meet her and talk to her she has gone of the rails and I went on her phone and she has been meeting another boy and sexting him with very graphic details and pictures...this has killed me and broken my heart. I confronted him and her and he didn't even know about me or our baby and she still blames me and claims it is not cheating as we were on a break, however, it wasn't a relationship break.

The question is, there is nothing I want more than to forgive her and give her time and then be a happy family again, however, I'm struggling to even imagine a future as our happy family as every time I see her face or her body I feel sick knowing that I'm not the only one who has touched it and kissed it. If anyone has been in a similar position please help

Pagwatch Sun 21-May-17 08:01:26

You need to back off. You agreed to a break but you kept phoning and contacting her, you check her phone and then confront her - you can't pressure, stalk and bully her into loving you.it doesn't work like that

Concentrate on looking after your child and try to be rational in your dealings with her. It's not romantic to keep contacting someone who has asked you not to. It's oppressive

jeaux90 Sun 21-May-17 08:02:32

Hello. Honestly I would be focussing on your child and being a good parent and not the relationship. I would work on the contact arrangements and co parenting.

C4Envelope Sun 21-May-17 08:06:40

How young are you two?

OnTheRise Sun 21-May-17 09:10:26

I agree with Pagwatch.

Helping her feel better by giving her the space she needs is how you love her now. Pestering her and spying on her is really inappropriate, and verging on abuse.

grungeneverdied Sun 21-May-17 09:17:12

Just focus on being a dad. Only contact her about said child. Move on. Sorry to bring the harsh truth but she wanted the break to do these things not sort her head out. It's obvious, just count your loses mate you can still be a great dad. I have a 6 year old from a previous relationship who is my world. I eventually after years met another woman who is incredible and am now having another little critter. These things happen it's not the end of the world mate, chin up. You'll end up in a better place

Ellisandra Sun 21-May-17 09:20:51

"I went on her phone".

Leave her the fuck alone.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Sun 21-May-17 09:25:01

You can't force her to be with you. Leave her alone, she clearly doesn't want you right now and needs space.

ClemDanfango Sun 21-May-17 09:28:00

It's over concentrate on being a good Dad to your child.

mmmchocolatex Sun 21-May-17 09:28:24

Concentrate on being a good dad for your kid flowers

ThePinkOcelot Sun 21-May-17 09:28:25

She's a bit of an idiot to send some bloke photos of herself! That could come back to bite her!
SorryOP, but I think you are going to have to give her the space she asked for x

Nancy91 Sun 21-May-17 09:30:21

I don't know why you're getting a hard time, I feel sorry for you!

It looks like she has met someone else, asked for space and is calling it a "break" in case things don't work out with the new man. Using you as a sort of safety net. I think she probably cheated on you if I'm honest as I've seen a few similar situations to this in real life.

That's just my opinion, I hope I am wrong and you end up happy.

KeepCalm Sun 21-May-17 09:36:41

It sounds like she's checked out of this relationship but hasn't had the guts to tell you. This partial break has been an easier way for her to do it.

You do indeed need to leave her alone although her behaviour has been awful.

Just concentrate on moving on and looking after the wee one.

racheyroo74 Sun 21-May-17 09:39:33

Hey there

Just concentrate on being a good dad you are smothering her let her time to be aslone

WaitingYetAgain Sun 21-May-17 10:26:44

I have read before that if you back off and the person is given a chance to miss you, then if the relationship is meant to work, they will come back to you/find you. You have to give her a chance to want you.

At the moment she is seeing the other guy as fresh, new and exciting. Her communication with him is probably a form of escapism from the stress of her situation with you and the baby.

Try and keep yourself busy. Do some new things, focus on the baby and through being a stable 'held together' person show her why she should come back to you. You don't need to contact her or point this out, she'll notice as it will be a big contrast to how you have been behaving.

mrnoone Sun 21-May-17 12:58:09

Hi everyone thanks for the messages I have since spoken to her and she still loves me and she didn't cheat on me, she met him at a friends party during the break- this is confirmed, she is no longer in contact with him and blocked him on everything as I believe she saw it as an escape from being a mother. I understand she probably thought the grass is greener and I understand I was too obsessive and should of given her the space she needed, I want her back and she wants me back but not yet. I am going to ask her not to see anyone else and give her the break she deserves. I have no way of knowing if she won't see anyone else but I guess I'll have to trust her. The best way to trust someone again is to trust them is what I heard the other day and that's what I am going to do. For the mean time I am going to focus on being a dad and my job. I don't know how long it will take for her to want me back (if she does) but I think time will only heal. Has anyone got an ideas on how to deal with he constant sadness and heart break and how to stop feeling sick when I think of what she did on this break?

Pagwatch Sun 21-May-17 13:13:49

I think that all sounds sensible.

I'm not sure what you want to hear regarding 'how do you deal with the sadness'.
Sometimes life throws you something and you just have to accept it and move on. You will feel sad sometimes. There is no cure for that except time and the bigger picture. What you could usefully do is think about what went wrong before, what you want from your relationship and what you need to do to be involved without having to contact her because you can't cope with missing her.
If you are not going to be able to cope with thinking about what she may have done/did then you should use the time to think about whether you should get back together at all.

I hope it all works out and I hope my comments don't sound too critical but I'm not sure you are trying to maintain a healthy relationship with an equal where you support and care for each other. You need to be able to cope with her choices by accepting or walking away.

mrnoone Sun 21-May-17 13:47:16

Hi,

I do want to make it work and I do want to accept her choices and I will, I I want to to be a healthy equal relationship like before! I was foolish and stupid before and I didn't see what I was doing. I understand now what has gone wrong and I want to go back into the relationship and be a totally different man and trust her again. We had our whole future planned and we couldn't wait but I drove her away and now we have broken up. I don't want her to see any more people in the time that we are apart but I have no place to ask of that. She can do what she wants while we are no longer in a relationship. I have told her I am going to give her the time she needs now that we have broken up and I told her that I want to work things out and eventually whether it is a week, a month or a year get back together and give it another go where I am more understanding and I'm not too clingy and I just trust her more. That's what I want and she wants too but at the moment she loves me but doesn't like me. I hope that she can start to like me again in the time that I give her to be alone. She said that she can't see us getting back together soon as i have upset her too much by going on her phone and pushing her away by being too clingy and I know that I am wrong to do all of that but I want a second chance.

Whocansay Sun 21-May-17 14:05:30

I'm sorry, but you sound absolutely suffocating. She's telling you she doesn't want to be with you and to back off, but you aren't listening.

Concentrate on being a good parent, but leave her alone.

angstybaby Sun 21-May-17 14:12:28

put a time limit on how long you're prepared to wait. i wouldn't give her more than 6 months and, quite frankly, you don't want to waste your time hanging round for her to decide she wants you. give her a bit of time but not indefinitely.

personally, i think you should cut your losses but i know it takes time to get to that point (been there, done that, wish i'd walked after 6 months and not 2 years)

good luck

mrnoone Sun 21-May-17 14:20:01

Thanks for the help but to the people telling me that she doesn't want to be with me and that I need to walk away, that is not the case. We have spoken on the phone and we have both agreed we want to get back together one day because we do still love each other and when she puts the phone down she says 'I love you' so it's not that I'm chasing her and she doesn't want me. It's that I was a bad boyfriend and i didn't realise and now she wants that time to have a break from me and for me to change and so when we do get back together I'm not the same which I totally understand. What she did is not justifiable but I do understand her side now and I am going to change. We may never get back together but the way we spoke and the way we still speak now, it's obvious we will be Together and personally after this I think we will be even closer

WaitingYetAgain Sun 21-May-17 14:52:22

Have you considered going for counselling on your own to work on yourself?

mrnoone Sun 21-May-17 14:58:38

Hi, yes I have considered it. However, I have a few friends who have done it and apparently it is a waste of time. Also, would I need to go to my local GP to ask for it?

weatherbomb Sun 21-May-17 15:10:19

You could try to self refer rather than go through your GP - have alook online. I did this with talking therapy - it might help to just talk through your feelings with someone completely neutral. You've said you are both very young. Use this time apart to be a good dad and maybe look into something that interests you so should you get back together that your focus is not solely your gf. That is just unhealthy but you've already acknowledged that. Best of luck.

mrnoone Sun 21-May-17 15:14:12

Hi once again, that's for all the messages, I know some people will have different views but I have personally made my mind up and believe that we should get back together eventually and so does she. Some people may think this is stupid and it might not work, however, I love her more than anything and I want this happy life we planned together even if for a short while in the middle we had to have a few months apart (many couples do it, my sister and brother in law have had breaks ups for months in the past, however, they are so strong and happy now) I do know some people may think I'm stupid but if you could understand that I think that it would be best for me and my family to get back together and focus on that point please?

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