Why doesn't he want sex with me?

[Ascot37]

I'm new here and while having a look through the discussions I found one on frequency of sex... it seems everyone else's partner/husband wants more and I have the opposite problem. I've been with my partner for 4 years and we used to have sex all the time. After about 18 months he just never seemed to want me anymore. We now have sex about once a month and then because I start moaning about it! All my friends say their husbands want it all the time and I'm left feeling very unattractive because he doesn't want me. If I try to initiate it he just says he's tired, I've asked him about it and he says it's normal?! Does anyone else have this problem? Am I unreasonable to want more intimacy in my relationship?

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

Nope, not unreasonable in wanting more intimacy. He's not unreasonable for not wanting intimacy constantly.

because I start moaning about it
^^ maybe he is seeing sex as a chore now because of the moaning. Couples go through patches of dry spells.

[Ascot37]

I agree about the moaning putting him off... I stopped mentioning it to see if that helped, it was a 7 week dry spell!

[isthistoonosy]

How old are you both? Do you have dc, if so how old are they?

[RandomMess]

Sexual compatibility is important, if it's not been working perhaps its time to call a day on the relationship?

[Ascot37]

I'm 39 he is 37 both have been married before. Each have one 15 yr old daughter, mine lives with us his splits her time. Relationship is good in most other aspects (apart from he won't marry again but that's another story!) I was married before for 16 years and I know I shouldn't compare but sex was never an issue, we only stopped having sex at the end and because he was having an affair. Maybe that's why it makes me feel so crap! I have thought about leaving but seriously is incompatible sex drives a reason to leave an otherwise good solid relationship?

[HildaOg]

I think you need to look at your relationship. Obviously he has a libido since he had it a lot when you first got together. What's changed?

Moaning and nagging someone into sex is the biggest turn off and once they give in and do duty sex with you, it's bad sex and they associate sex with you negatively and begin to dread it. So stop that.

When we first get into a relationship we present ourselves as best we can. We take care of our appearance, take care to have fun with the other person, to treat them well, listen to them, respect them. We have to be on our best behaviour and present well because otherwise they'll be out the door. Once people settle into relationships and get comfortable they tend to forget those things, sometimes they go in the opposite direction.

So why doesn't he want to have sex with you? What is different now than at the beginning when you were having loads of it. If he met you today for the first time, would he want you? If you behaved when you first met as you do now would he have stayed with you?

I've only ever had one relationship where I didn't want to have sex after a while and the reason was him. His hygiene and appearance changed, his manner of speaking to me became rude, he never listened, which turned me off initially. Then came the constant pestering which led to what I used to think of as torture sex which I only did to shut him up. Then you really don't want to be near him after that...

I don't think men are much different than women tbh. Men can be just as turned off as women can if the relationship is going badly or if there are issues which a putting him off. They're not all robotic sex machines.

[springydaffs]

It would be a reason for me, yes

[HildaOg]

BTW I don't want my post coming across as though the problem is on your side. I was just suggesting the possibility of why he may be turned off. It could be something completely different either. Only you can look at your situation and know.

[Funnyfarmer]

Everyone goes through a dry spell. I don't think it's a reason to leave a perfectly good relationship for.
I would be fuming if my dp said he was leaving because I didn't put out enough.
But it's definitely something than needs sorting. After 4 years sex can get a bit monotonous. Could you try spicing things up? Maybe even being a bit romantic. ( men like romance too)
Is he on any meds? Under any stress? Could he be depressed?
Is he masturbating do you know?
If not that's more likely the problem is with him and not you.
My dp is also terrified my dd will her us. That really puts him off. The older she gets the later she's up. He will only have sex with me now if she's not in the house

[Ascot37]

HildaOg, food for thought indeed! I can pin point when it changed was when we bought our house together, he went to work on moving day and left me to it even though he could have easily taken the day off. After that he just seemed to not want me, he went a bit "cold" then the whole me moaning cycle started. I have always thought he freaked out a bit when we bought a house and that was why, trouble is if I try and talk about it or ask him how he feels about me he never says anything, he never talks about feelings or emotions and frequently tells me I'm too emotional. Maybe it is me, he doesn't fulfil my needs so I get upset which pushes him further away. It is amazing to finally talk about it though, I can't really talk to anyone else about it.

[RandomMess]

The sex nosedived after 18 months not 4 years!!! I just think it's probably mismatched sex drives and if you are the one with the higher sex drive accepting that it's going to be like the rest of your life is a huge ask...

[RandomMess]

So you can't even talk to him, he isn't emotionally supportive..

What are the good things in this relationship?

[Ascot37]

RandomMess, the more I think about the less I know! Because he's a good guy, kind, solid, we like the same things, lots of mutual friends, my daughter likes him, he's fun, we have a good life together, I like his family. But also...sometimes emotionally unavailable, doesn't want to marry ( I believe in marriage) and has a low sex drive. Ahhhhh I'm confused :(

[Ascot37]

Haha Smeaton.. for some reason at the time I didn't say anything! Can't say it hasn't been bought up from time to time though :)

[HildaOg]

That sounds very strange, you'd think that moving in together should be an exciting time. You're right, he sounds like he freaked out when he realised the commitment he signed up to. Did anything else happen around that time? Did he meet anybody new? Or seem different going to work?

If he refuses to communicate with you, there's not much you can do. You could suggest couples therapy but if he refuses to do it then maybe you should look elsewhere.

I think you'd be more than entitled to leave a man who doesn't listen to you and won't talk to you. He's in the wrong here. Of course you're emotional - he won't communicate!!!

[Funnyfarmer]

My sex drive is much higher than my dp's. Plus I'm into things that just doesn't "do it" for him. It's not a massive problem.
Like all relationships it was great at 1st. He did some stuff he didn't really enjoy to please me. After a few years I did start feel neglected his labeido went completely. Mainly because he was drinking too much. When we did have sex. It felt like a favour he was doing for me.
But it's something we've worked on and found some common ground. After a bit of talk and experimenting we've found things we both enjoy. We don't have sex a much as I would like. But when we do it's very enjoyable for us both. Even more so than the beginning. I masturbate when he's not around. Sometimes when he is .
If you both want the relationship to work I really can't see a reason why it cant

[Funnyfarmer]

Maybe the different between my dp and yours is that he willing to work at it.
But for him admitting there's a problem it might feel like him admitting he's not man enough for you. So maybe try and be a bit sensitive.
What used to turn him on in the beginning?

[SandyY2K]

Is he affectionate in other ways?

I would not mention sex to him again and see what happens. If it reaches 3 /6 months or more, then you need to decide if you can live the rest of the relationship without intimacy.

Do you do anything without him? Your own interests? Or go out with friends?

[Ascot37]

Funnyfarmer, everything used to do it for him! I do have a very high sex drive and he clearly has a low one, when we do have sex it's amazing, maybe I should just take quality over frequency and learn to live with it. It's more the lack of intimacy I miss.

[crazykitten20]

Counselling? Would he go?

[Ascot37]

Is needing counselling for a 4 year relationship a sign that it's not working? He is affectionate mostly, but always on his terms, not if I just need a hug. I'm pretty busy, stressful job, but do have a good group of friends. Trouble is they are mostly mutual (we live in a small town) I feel like I do too much without him ! Seriously the more people are asking questions the more doubts I'm having now I'm confronting the issues. I think I have some thinking to do...

[Funnyfarmer]

How do you approach sex. Do you just ask him if he wants a bit? Or do you make moves physically?