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Are these wedding jitters or proper cold feet?

(25 Posts)
imightneedsocks Sat 20-May-17 16:47:27

I've been with DP for three years and we get married in November.

There was a big spark when we first met and we had a regular sex life. I love him, I'd never want to hurt him and he's one of the kindest, most loyal and caring men I've met.

We get on well, we never argue and have similar values generally speaking. All good so far.

However the past few weeks I've been feeling unsettled. It's hard to pin point what I'm feeling...partly that I'm not 100% sure I still find him sexually attractive (but I've had the same feeling with every long term relationship after a couple of years so that could be me and/or the antidepressants I'm on).

Partly I'm wondering whether I'm cut out to be with someone for a lifetime. I very much wanted to get married though and was so very happy when he proposed. So perhaps this is just wedding jitters?

I also keep thinking maybe I should be with someone else...but then I think this is just pre-wedding jitters as I know that I'm happy with DP in so many ways.

I keep going round and round in my head, with no clear answer.

Did anyone get pre-wedding jitters? Is that what this is? Or do I have cold feet?

I don't want to walk away from a very good man and then realise I'm just being a bit of a dick and that I've made a terrible choice based on terrible logic (grass is greener, etc)...

rumred Sat 20-May-17 17:01:43

I've felt like this in a few long term relationships. From my experience it's your sub conscious telling you something isn't right, despite many boxes being ticked.
Can you talk honestly with a friend about this, to help clarify what the source is and if you need to make big or small changes?
The discomfort is worth looking at in more detail I think

jouu Sat 20-May-17 17:08:34

I've read that on average, most women lose sexual interest in a man within 2 years. And men typically take 15+ years to lose interest to the same degree (!)

In my experience, it's only if you are really really compatible and really good, fun friends that the spark lasts beyond that.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't marry if I felt the sexual spark was waning. You don't have to get married. You can give it another year and see if it improves. Or you can move on. Maybe you won't find a giant spark with the next man either... But again... That doesn't make it a good idea to marry this guy.

Hermonie2016 Sat 20-May-17 17:24:06

ADs can definitely cause a loss of libido.How long have you been taking them?

How old are you both? It's important not to settle but equally after 2 years relationships can move into a more settled phase.Wedding planning can also be a cause of additional stress.

Do you have fun together and can you communicate? Also consider your upbringing and what that has taught you about relationships.

EC22 Sat 20-May-17 17:30:37

I had jitters like this. Convinced myself I was attracted to other people, didn't want to settle down. I split up with my fiancé, called off the wedding.
I was haunted with regret for a long long time. I did want all the things I thought I didn't.
Think hard before making a decision either way.

imightneedsocks Sat 20-May-17 17:43:30

I'm 35 and he is 38.

I've been on antidepressants for a couple of years (and due to the seriousness of my condition I can't come off them or change them).

It would absolutely break his heart if I even mentioned postponing the wedding, never mind calling it off. I do love him, I just can't see myself ever being able to hurt him that much.

imightneedsocks Sat 20-May-17 17:49:48

We have lots of fun together, we communicate really well (hence no arguments).

He's a great guy, he's respectful and kind and lovely. There's absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship other than that the spark has (for me) waned and that I find little habits of his irritating.

But...I'm well aware the spark could be my meds, it could be that I don't have a high libido and need the new-ness of a relationship to be interested. Neither of these things will be fixed by walking away.

And the irritating habits thing...no-one is perfect, and the things he does are so tiny in the whole scale of things (especially compared to other things you read on here).

If I left him I would probably either end up having a child alone or not having children.

I dated for five years before I met him and am quite aware that the grass is not particularly green on the other side. I think sometimes I look back at single life with rose tinted glasses when at the time I was very lonely and sick of meeting shitty guys...

KoolKoala07 Sat 20-May-17 18:02:06

I think sometimes we become jittery about things when they suddenly become 'real'. Unfortunately this is something only you can make the decision for. I'm not saying you should make do but sometimes I think we can keep looking for perfection (relationships, jobs, homes etc) but more often than not it doesn't exist.

poopsqueak Sat 20-May-17 18:04:21

Anti depressants definitely dull sexual urges. I didn't want to look at my partner when I was on them and I found it really hard to you know, erm, orgasm when we were 'doing it'

It all felt a bit numb to be honest.

imightneedsocks Sat 20-May-17 18:09:23

@EC22 has hit the nail on the head I think. I can be a bit restless and rash sometimes and I'm worried I'm just being my usual self, would jack it all in and then realise I've made a grave error.

I probably just need to take some deep breaths and have a cup of tea!

In a way I'm wondering whether I'm just winding myself up needlessly and if I stopped worrying all would be fine. Surely the fact that I can't even imagine hurting him/leaving him means something...

<goes to put kettle on>

AntiHop Sat 20-May-17 18:16:04

It's definitely true that some people get reduced libido with AD. Can you discuss this with your gp?

Do you ever find yourself being attracted to other people? Can you imagine having sex with someone else and enjoying it? How do you feel when you think back about previous sexual encounters you enjoyed? Do you masterbate?

CosyPinkBlanket Sat 20-May-17 18:16:22

I had major cold feet before I got married to my now DH. We were together 7 years when we got married and my thing was what if I woke up one day and didn't love him anymore. I drove myself mad with that worry and ended up on antidepressants. They helped massively and stopped that intrusive thought/worry. I went through with the wedding and was still nervous about whether I was doing the right thing on the morning of the wedding but when I was taking my vows, I've never felt more confident in believing them and we're still happily married 7 years later and have a baby daughter. Like you I don't have a massive sex drive (and I'm not taking any meds) and I sometimes miss the excitement of newness but I wouldn't change anything - he's my best friend and I can't imagine being married to anyone else. There's nobody I'd rather hang out with or travel with. Maybe a bit of counselling would help to help manage your expectations of long term relationships? It helped me. I went to a Relate counsellor. I always think that even if left him and met someone else, that newness would wear off also. That just my experience but hope it helps. x

imightneedsocks Sat 20-May-17 20:05:33

I don't masturbate or think about sex with other men, or even dream about it. Again, this isn't how it's always been.

I will talk to my GP but not sure there is anything available for low libido in women(?) and I can't change medication (I'm too high risk to taper off the current meds).

HazelBite Sat 20-May-17 20:43:34

Op I have been married twice.
Prior to my first marriage I had no worries , no pre wedding jitters felt quite confident about its success.
It was a disaster!
Second marriage I was worried, nervous that I would meet some-one who would turn my head, worried about making another commitment.
We celebrate our ruby wedding this year!.

I think you can't really tell how your marriage will turn out but you sound like you have got a good and solid basis for a good marriage.
Why are you having doubts now when previously you were happy and content in your relationship has anything between you changed radically, or is it a sympton of your anxiety?

Zubba Sat 20-May-17 20:51:54

It would absolutely break his heart if I even mentioned postponing the wedding, never mind calling it off. I do love him, I just can't see myself ever being able to hurt him that much

You'll hurt him a damn sight more if you go through with the wedding then decide a year or two down the line that it's just not working.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 20-May-17 21:00:52

You have been with him for 3 years and have needed anti-depressants for 2 years. That's interesting.

imightneedsocks Sat 20-May-17 21:30:13

It's not that interesting. I have bipolar disorder. I should have been on antidepressants the whole time.

captainproton Sat 20-May-17 21:41:28

I called off a wedding because of a nagging doubt. Best Decision of my life. Your relationship sounds nice, but I'm not detecting any passion or mentions of love.

The man I married drove my crazy for many years, we used to bicker like hell and tease one another, and although owing to small children and Breastfeeding my libido has plummeted, I still look at him and find him very attractive. He drives me mad and always has done. I have heard anecdotally that if you don't argue with one another your relationship is not healthy. How true that is I don't know.

Personally I wouldn't marry anyone I didn't feel an over riding feeling of love for.

junebirthdaygirl Sun 21-May-17 12:34:36

My dh has bipolar and one of the symptoms is making rash decisions usually to his detriment. He is always sorry later. My understanding is he feels a bit depressed and gets this mad notion that if only such and such happened he would feel great again. So be careful not to throw away whats sounds like a good relationship. Bipolar does encourage you to constantly look for excitement but it rarely ends well.

imightneedsocks Mon 22-May-17 06:32:55

Thanks @junebirthdaygirl.

That's what I'm afraid of. That I'm just having a 'moment' and could throw everything away for nothing.

I feel like he is massively irritating me at the moment - like all of his little bad habits are grating on my nerves but...irritability is also a symptom of my bipolar so I just keep going around in circles.

One minute I think "This is just a temporary phase, bipolar or not, which will pass and you'll thank god you didn't say anything" and "I shouldn't be getting married, I'm not going to be happy"

TatianaLarina Mon 22-May-17 10:08:56

In the circumstances I think it would be sensible to postpone the wedding, it might help to clarify your feelings.

I'd be wary of ditching someone at 35 unless you are 100% sure it's not right, because it could be a long slog to find someone else, and bipolar will narrow your options as some guys will not want to take that on.

chestylarue52 Mon 22-May-17 14:41:27

You can postpone the wedding by saying you don't feel mentally healthy enough to go through with the whole wedding 'thing' at the moment. You don't have to tell him you're not sure if you fancy him.

Huskylover1 Mon 22-May-17 15:01:13

I've read that on average, most women lose sexual interest in a man within 2 years

Only if he's doing it spectacularly wrong confused

I think your lack of libido is the problem here. The spark for me, is the sexual attraction to DH. It's hardly going to be a spark flying moment when he's snoring or farting.

I think if you can get your sex drive back, and your sex life on track, that your worries will disappear.

imightneedsocks Tue 23-May-17 12:35:31

Argh....I keep going round and round and round in my head.

One minute I'm convinced that DP, as lovely as he is, is the wrong man as the spark isn't there and I find some things he does/says irritating and he is so far away from my usual 'type'.

Then...half an hour later. I think I'm just winding myself up about nothing, that everything is good and that I can't believe I was even considering throwing it away.

I have arranged to speak to an ex of mine, a bit of an odd choice to speak to but he is basically the male version of me so if anyone can give me any insights into WTF is going on with me it will be him.

Also he's the one I compare all men to...so how I feel about things after speaking to him again will tell me a lot I think.

I've also arranged to meet a good friend to chat things over on Friday morning...

imightneedsocks Tue 23-May-17 12:50:28

I've also just emailed a counsellor to see if I can get some specific short term counselling.... sad

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