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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Why does he do this?

109 replies

hadabellyfull · 20/05/2017 10:02

Does anyone's else's partner do this?

If I don't wake up and hug him (or have sex) or kiss him and I get straight up to do chores like peg out washing, and tidy up, does anyone else's DH stomp around slam around and not speak to you? He threw his laptop into the kitchen table this morning. Slammed the bathroom door and hasn't spoken to me since I got up. My anxiety is beating away in my chest!

Tbf we haven't had sex for a while, but he swore on my sons life last week that he didn't want to be with me anymore cos I had a moan about his moody behaviour, and I can't forgive him for it... it's all a mess but he's really getting me down and I don't think I like him anymore

OP posts:

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Ellisandra · 20/05/2017 10:14

You only think you don't like him.

If I didn't hug my boyfriend good morning (we always do) he's probably say "what's the rush with the chores? Where's my hug?" in a genuinely nice way, and I'd say "I have so much to do!" and he's jump up and say "what can I do?" (we don't live together, so they are 'my' chores.

You don't have to live with this anxiety, and with this behaviour.

Thinkingofausername1 · 20/05/2017 10:21

Why don't you want to be intimate with him? I think that he is getting angry because of rejection?

hadabellyfull · 20/05/2017 10:27

Maybe he is, I feel so upset about him swearing on our sons life he doesn't want to be with me anymore, and I've distanced myself from him, I know I have but I just don't feel like I like him much. He's always moody and everything is on his terms and I feel worn down.

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grungeneverdied · 20/05/2017 10:27

Tricky one, while no him being a grump isn't right and tbf quite childish at the same time you need intimacy and maybe he's picking up on the lack of it. Speak with him about it, that's the first place to start.

AhYerWill · 20/05/2017 10:27

Because he's a twat. No-one should be made to feel anxious or scared in their own home.

My ex used to strop about small things like that. Started with slamming doors, then smashing things, eventually escalated to breaking my wrist, dragging me feet first down some stairs and trying to choke me. I wish Id left the first time he scared me...

KRG13 · 20/05/2017 10:30

It doesn't sound particularly tricky to me, he just sounds like a twat.

Stomping, slamming, throwing and sulking because he didn't get a hug? No excuse

Violetcharlotte · 20/05/2017 10:33

You don't have to live with this. He's controlling and aggressive. That anxious 'walking on eggshells' feeling is awful and won't be doing your son any good at all.

Believe me, it's a million times better to be on your own than live like this.

grungeneverdied · 20/05/2017 10:37

Oh I agree he sounds like a bellsniff but some people still have "kid tantrums" as adults. When I re-read the original post it does sound like an insecure controlling man.

C0RAL · 20/05/2017 10:38

So he gets aggressive if you don't do what he wants.

And he throws things around - doors, laptops.

Next thing is that he will start breaking things. And grabbing you but not actually hitting you.

Then he will slap you and say he didn't really hit you because it was with an open hand . Or push you so hard so you are injured but he will say it was an accident.

And you will be back on here asking us how to manage his moods and swearing it's your fault because you wound him up / didn't have his dinner ready / the house was messsy / your child disturbed him while he was watching TV / you didn't provide sex on demand.

AmserGwin · 20/05/2017 10:39

Swearing on your sons life that he doesn't want to be with you? How old is he? Sounds like a childish twat. Get rid of him

wouldthatitwere · 20/05/2017 10:40

hiya, I didn't want to read and run, I'm sure you will have loads of fantastic advice very soon. But you're right in your thinking, this is not normal and he is in fact abusing you.. I'm sorry.

Bluntness100 · 20/05/2017 10:40

If he doesn't want to be with you any more why are you still together?

wouldthatitwere · 20/05/2017 10:40

blimey sorry a second ago no one had posted! I knew you'd get advice soon!

pictish · 20/05/2017 10:43

How long have you been together and how old is your son? Is he your son's bio father? You don't say.

I'm just trying to establish what point in your relationship his anger became an issue?

Sphygmomanometer · 20/05/2017 10:44

I admit I do feel a bit put out if DP jumos up in the morning without a wee cuddle.

I usually just ask him what the hurry is or shout him back through for five minutes though.

I'd nevee behave in the agressive manner you describe here. You need to tell him that its absolutely not on.

Naicehamshop · 20/05/2017 10:47

Controlling, aggressive, unpleasant man child.

The fact that your anxiety is "beating away in your chest" tells you all you need to know... relationships shouldn't be like this.

WhoAteAllTheJuice · 20/05/2017 10:52

Tbh I'm not a fan of leaping out of bed without a cuddle. Sends a rubbish signal out.

However behaviour of him is out of order. I would suggest that he listens to how it makes you feel and that you listen to why he feels rejected (which is what it is). Perhaps start the conversation texting.

Demesne · 20/05/2017 15:36

Um, no. That's horrifying. My DH does not do any of that. He does not slam, or not speak to me. He does not take offence if I get on with tasks. Good men don't do this. It's becoming fairly apparent that some women have never experienced the company of 'a good man' and expect violence, verbal abuse, destruction of property and confidence-erosion as standard, expected behaviour. It isn't.

He is abusing you and trying to frighten you. He may not have hit you yet, but he is hitting and slamming things around you to frighten you into compliance.

Your son needs this poisonous influence out of his life.

"Why don't you want to be intimate with him? I think that he is getting angry because of rejection?"

Well, I'm no fucking expert, but maybe she doesn't want to be intimate with a threatening, abusive twat?

user1491572121 · 20/05/2017 15:38

Not normal at all and absolutely not ok. He's bullying you. It's emotional abuse.

alicemalice · 20/05/2017 16:04

There is a book called 'Why does he do that?' and it's all about men like your partner, who get aggressive when you don't do what they want.

hadabellyfull · 21/05/2017 17:54

Yes I don't feel like being intimate with him cos I can't say I like him right now. He hogs the remote and it's almost considered his remote, I asked to watch something I'd recorded and he objected saying he's going out in a mo watch it then... but I've been having to endure discovery channel all day, while I've been ironing cooking and cleaning and he's sat on his ass!

I objected and he then said 'what's the issue watch it when go out' I pointed out he's had the remote all day but he just got annoyed with me and said 'yes I'm well aware I've sat down all day!!' (As if i was getting at him for resting) it's this kind of behaviour that drives me mad and I just sometimes think I'd be happier alone

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ZeroFeedback · 21/05/2017 18:02

I think you would be happier and safer alone too.

My DW is someone who thinks half the day is lost if we sleep in after 9. She gets out of bed without giving me a cuddle and I genuinely never knew that was a problem for anyone.

Kind words and affectionate gestures are part of a relationship but not compulsory at certain times.

I get frustrated at times and may shut cabinet doors harder than necessary but have never damaged my own laptop.

You seem that upset by the remote incident that I can't imagine it being a conversation of normal tone let alone one without aggression.

He's sworn on your sons life that he does not want to be with you? He needs to get the fuck out then

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hadabellyfull · 21/05/2017 18:09

Thank you and it's nice to hear a mans point of view.

I feel like I'm always having to compromise my own happiness to make him happy, cos if he's happy then he's not moody... if that makes sense.

My husband too thinks that laying in 'we've lost half the day!' Drives me insane. He doesn't know how to chill out and holiday times he can't sit on the beach with a book and a cocktail, he has to be hiking or swimming - which is fine but he is constantly falling out with me and my son for not doing what he wants us to do. It's only been the last two years I've put my foot down and said no, and stuck at no!

My DH is driving me insane and I'm doubting my own sanity!!

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Mrsmadevans · 21/05/2017 18:14

He's a bully and he is making you out to be the one at fault, classic bully behaviour. I can't see him changing .

AmateurSwami · 21/05/2017 18:15

I'd be long gone

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