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Feel stuck because of our baby

(9 Posts)
freshstartplease Sat 20-May-17 07:46:40

Name changed for this -

Have felt unable to talk about this with family and friends, any advice would be appreciated.

I have 1 DS under 1. His dad and I hadn't been dating very long when I got pregnant, I decided to continue with the pregnancy after speaking to him and him telling me he would be around for the baby and wanted to be with me etc (I would have kept the baby either way though)

As it got to the end of my pregnancy his dad did some really shitty things - updating his OLD profile - but denying he was using it. I checked again and he'd updated again so he blocked me from the site. Denied it completely and said he deleted his account (he didn't). This prompted me to get an STI test and he'd given me an STI - had only had sex with him in over a year and they checked at the start of my pregnancy for STIs so it was 100% him and something he'd obviously caught while sleeping around during my pregnancy. sad only found out about it a few weeks before my due date - could have caused blindness or pneumonia in baby if it hadn't been found.

He completely denied it and said the tests aren't 100% (true but what are the chances). Had the test redone and it was positive again. And negative after taking the appropriate antibiotics. sad

Since Ds has been born he's only met him a handful of times but makes it clear he wants to play a part in his life. So far he's contributed a grand total of £0. I've brought this up several times and he's avoided the question or changed the subject.

Feeling shit about all of this because I don't want to block him out of DS's life because they might have a great relationship in the future. But sick of having to be in contact with this man as it reminds me of the shitty selfish things he's done and never acknowledged. He can also be manipulative and try to use how I feel against me (doesn't work anymore)

He isn't on the birth certificate and I haven't contacted the child maintinence service yetbut I'm considering it.

Not sure what to do sad

TheTombstonesMove Sat 20-May-17 07:49:07

Leave emotion out of it. Use the formal channels (CSA). Don't do all the running.

jeaux90 Sat 20-May-17 08:29:15

Get practical. Stop engaging with him. Go through the CMS for payments. It's not your job to make him spend time with your DC.

My ex hasn't seen my dd for 5 years. She's 8 and it's for the best as he is a real asshole. Yes it hurts when they don't acknowledge birthdays etc and you have to do it all but my dd doesn't see this or talk about him.

isitjustme2017 Sat 20-May-17 14:01:48

I agree with everyone else. Contact CSA immediately and let them chase the money for you. Its for your child and you're entitled to it. What sort of man makes no effort to pay anything towards his child?
I assume he works and can afford to pay you something?
Make no more contact with him and once money is sorted, have a formal contact arrangement put in place.

Changedname3456 Sat 20-May-17 14:02:30

He should be paying. CMS and then formalise some sort of contact arrangements whereby he can see DS but without you there - for instance, could your parents supervise the contact time at their house?

Over time, unless he's a risk to DS, he will be able to get contact arrangements in place, whether you want it or not and he can establish PR. It may cost him some time and money to do that, but ultimately your DS' right to a relationship with both parents will mean he'll get at least limited contact.

You could play hardball and make him go the court option or you could tell him what works for you, allow some wiggle room but have your red lines in mind. Most people will go down the path of least resistance.

freshstartplease Sat 20-May-17 14:28:00

Yeah I have no idea why he hasn't paid anything - he has a decent job and salary and has money to spare. I've mentioned it multiple times and tried to speak about it and he's just tried turning it around to us having a relationship talk hmm

I wouldn't ever stop him from seeing DS, unless he did something which indicated he was a shitty father - nothing yet (except the lack of payment).. have a feeling he isn't going to take kindly to being contacted by CMS but I factored in him contributing and it's really screwed me over financially angry

I would also be worried if he had rights he might use them to spite me

freshstartplease Sat 20-May-17 14:29:18

Justme- agree with you about what kind of a man wouldn't support his child, finding it Really hard to respect him at all anymore

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sat 20-May-17 14:36:14

But he is a shitty df. . He risked your ds health before he was even born.
And he is stressing the dm of his ds which will impact on your mh. .
You give him too much slack.
Phone cms and stop contacting him until he takes you to court to sort out proper access if that's what he wants.
If he doesn't want to be a parent unfortunately you have to accept that.
Plenty of dc function, develop and grow up to be fantastic adults without a df. .
No df is better than a fuck wit one.

freshstartplease Sat 20-May-17 14:41:30

Justmade - you're completely right, I think because I haven't spoken about it to anyone, more and more things added up, I should never have let anything slide

Once or twice I mentioned parts of what was going on to a close friend/family member and when he found out he was really angry about it, saying I was trying to make people hate him (when I had only spoken to them for emotional support) sad

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