Would you go on this date?

[MrTumblesbitch]

I know by the other thread going that some people have super high boundaries, I've been single so long I don't know if I have any, so please wise ladies tell me if this needs side stepping!

Online date, have been chatting a week. He seems lovely and very promising. He originally said he was too busy to meet till after half term as he's away, which was fair enough. Then changed his mind and asked me out tomorrow afternoon as he was at a gig toorrow night.

I texted him earlier and just said "are you still up for tomorrow" and he's replied saying he can still meet for an hour if he's not too hungover, or it might be better to meet another time, and that he hasn't planned this very well.

My gut says walk away, but am I being too harsh? He seems really lovely, and we haven't met yet so he doesn't owe me anything. I just expected more than that I think.

For full disclosure, I've had many a fucked up relationship in the past so had a years psychotherapy when ds was born to try and deal with it all. Ds is 5 now and I've been single / not dating all this time. I'm incredibly inexperienced and not sure my instincts are correct ever.

So, should I reply? Go on date? Sack him off?!

Thank you all so much for reading this war & peace post!

[walmo]

I'd agree with him about meeting another time. Tomorrow is sounding like you'd be hanging about and probably let down. You deserve a proper date, not being fitted in if he's up to it.

[CandleLit]

Listen to your gut and walk away.

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

I'd probably leave this one and then wait for him to rearrange after half term. Don't hang around if you get other offers but I wouldn't write him off totally as he's been up front and honest, tried to fit you in as he's obviously keen, but then realised that would be a bit of a compromise. Something to keep an eye on if things develop though, does he have enough free time to give you what you're looking for.

[HeddaGarbled]

Cancel the date. Don't suggest meeting another time, don't make a big deal out of it, just say something like, OK, let's cancel.

Then leave the ball in his court. Do not contact him unless he contacts you first. If he makes a lot of effort and seems keen to meet, you could maybe give him one more chance but he's messed you about so he needs to do a lot of work to earn your attention now.

[MrTumblesbitch]

Thank you all - I really appreciate your help!

I will wait till tomorrow then text and breezily say, yes let's cancel, hope you have a great day. Then see what he's like moving forward but keeping this in mind.

Think for me it's fact I had to ask, rather than him being proactive in telling me that has bothered me. I'm a single parent (he doesn't have kids!) so I organise my time very differently to him I suspect!

[HeddaGarbled]

Leave out the 'hope you have a great day' bit - sounds too desperately trying to be cool with you jerking me around. 'Yes let's cancel' is fine.

[Ginger782]

Yes I agree with the above advice - cancel and let him contact you again.
He should be adult enough to be able to go to a gig and still function the next day?
If he needs to get so wasted to have fun he will be a write off the next day is he someone you want in your life full time? If he had already made the date with you he should just have a few less drinks and be happy at the gig knowing he's got a fun date to look forward to.

[TheStoic]

He can fit you in for an hour if he's not too hung over?

Wow, I could barely hold myself back from that opportunity.

[seoulsurvivor]

What Stoic said.

[scoobydoo1971]

All online dates seem 'lovely' as they only show you what they want to. It is important to not seem pushy in the early stages of trying to start a relationship. This is not going to be a dreadful sermon dragged out of one of those dodgy 'how to date' manuals. This is about getting a sense for who the person is, what their level of interest in you would be and how enthuasiastic they are to meet up. As a single parent having to juggle child-minding, why waste your free time on someone who cannot be bothered very much...better wait for someone amazing who lays the red carpet out for you. Then you know you have a keeper.

[BubblingUp]

Admitting to a forthcoming debilitating hangover would be it for me. Not interested.

[honeyroar]

I think you're right OP, he hadn't contacted you and is not put much effort into anything so far. I'd be inclined to reply "ok let's cancel tomorrow" and nothing else, then see how much effort he puts into sorting out another meet up - if he's even slightly keen he should be organising something, if he doesn't I wouldn't waste any more time on him, he's had his chance now..

[MrTumblesbitch]

I didn't reply last night and I've woken up to 3 more messages off him saying that his last message on reading it back came out wrong and he still wants to meet, he just wants me to know he would normally be on better form. Then another saying he hopes I'm having a lovely evening and he's worried he's said the wrong thing, and the third saying goodnight and that he hopes he will be seeing me tomorrow and he's really looking forward to it......

Argh! So what do I do now?! My uncertainty in how I should be treated makes me worry I'm not ready for this, but I've been single 6 years now since I was pregnant so I don't know if actually I'm just apprehensive so second guessing everything as I'm out my comfort zone.

Help!

[NashvilleQueen]

Is he after a quick hook up in his free hour do you think??

[user1483644229]

He sounds a bit flaky to me and not really being that respectful and you haven't even met him yet. I will leave it if I were you.

[MrTumblesbitch]

I don't think he's after a quick hook up - part of what has attracted me to him is that he's not been pervy at all (a rarity in OLD it would seem!) in fact we haven't flirted at all, which I like, it's been more general conversations and getting to know each other that way.

I was all set on cancelling but now he seems to have instantly regretted it and apologised for phrasing things badly I don't know if that's harsh.

[AlternativeTentacle]

'I kinda lost interest when you mentioned fitting me in and being hung over. I thought you might be a grown up with some capability of organising your day, not a hungover disorganised mess, which I could well do without so yes, let's cancel.'

[mistermagpie]

The whole thing would irritate me. The squeezing you in for an hour if he's not 'too hungover' (how old is he? 19?) and then the three whiny texts afterwards. Meet him if you want, you've got nothing to lose really other than an hour of your life, but personally I would be binning this one off. I've got a very low tolerance for being messed around though!

What I would also say is that if he is preemptively arranging to see you around a debilitating hangover and you haven't even met yet, then that's a good indication of his lifestyle. No idea what yours is like (you might be a total steamer yourself, but as a single parent I suspect not...) but something to bear in mind.

[MrTumblesbitch]

Haha mistermsgpie I can count on one hand the number of times I've left the house after 6pm in the last year - so you are right, possible life differences!

I think I'm torn because I did really like chatting to him, and he apologised almost straight away when he realised what he had said. I don't want to be a walk over though. God I don't know!

Actually, I've just had a moment of clarity - If it was a friend I would laugh at them and say let's meet another time, so maybe I do that? Cancel today, see what he's like and if he makes effort to rearrange then I will give him another chance?

That's what some of you were saying up thread actually..... I am slow, but I got there in the end! I think cancelling totally might be a bit extreme now, but I like idea of seeing how he bounces back from me having a firm boundary on what I expect - even if he did phrase it badly.

[hiddenmnetter]

He sounds like a dick.

[OuchBollocks]

Sounds like he was expecting you to fall in with his ever-changing plans without complaint and has now realised he has to work a bit harder to draw you in. The planned hangover, the messing you around and changing his mind twice, the "oh but I didn't mean that" when he meant exactly 'that' ie messing with your head - FAR too much hard work.

[LightYears]

Sounds like you've done the right thing OP.

[tinkerbellone]

He's been honest and relaxed enough to to tell you he might have a bit of a hangover (If I went to a gig I would like a drink too). You sound like you are being sensible and careful which is great.
Why not meet him? Then see if you do like him 'in person' and take it from there.
Allow him to do the contacting afterwards.
You're bound to be nervous.
When I've been on first dates; it's usually a coffee or meal. Something that's not a massively long time (in case it's awkward and you don't like him in 'real life' )
Xx

[TheStoic]

If you do want to give him another chance, just say: Perhaps another time :-)

Shows you value yourself and your time, and will make him want to make it up to you.

[SuperPug]

Yes to Hedda.
Free for one hour does sound a bit like fitting you into the day, not as time he genuinely wants to devote to spending time with you. Not exactly sure whether that would be worth it with transport etc.?
However, he does sound genuinely sorry for upsetting you. Play it cool and see what he comes back with.
No time for games etc.